So the puzzle thing hasn’t quite taken off as I had hoped. Oh well, its still out there for the taking. But with a sick amount of downtime at work on a Saturday morning, and this fun little “Q&A” from the Associated Press about Maurice Clarett’s pending suspension, I thought I’d have a little fun with embellishment. Keep in mind this is only an exhibition. Please, no wagering. (Oh, and if someone from the AP’s legal team is reading this, lighten up, would ya?)

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) – Some questions and answers about the
suspension of Ohio State tailback Maurice Clarett:

-Can he practice with the team?
Sure he can! But why would he? The kid obviously has his future lined up in front of him, and the minute it can stop including Ohio State, the better for him. Why not go out car shopping with LeBron, drag this deal out as long as he can and not have to mess with a practice field? He’s obviously having fun with it, why stop now?

-How many games will he miss?
Just enough to make sure he’s around for the big ones. Maybe two games at first, and if in those two weeks it looks like NC State has a really solid team, and its going to take a strong running game to bring them down, Mo just might find himself eligible before he walks out of his first class. If NC State sets up to be a pushover, Clarett can take a few more games off, maybe zip up to Youngstown for a friend’s funeral (his bill, of course), or head off to Hollywood to begin shooting on his biopic “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka II” with “longtime family friend” Jim Brown. No matter where your travels take you, Mo, make sure you’re in Madison by October 11th, that Wisconsin game could be a biggie.

-Will Clarett be in uniform for the opener against Washington on
Aug. 30?
Technically, yes. Now whether its an OSU uniform or his county blues (there ARE still 7 days until the opener, alot of faulty police claims can go down before then) is still in question. But most likely, I see Maurice on the sidelines with the scarlet 13 jersey on, towel waving in one hand, gold watch glistening on the other, all the while stealing Gatorade from the kids on the field that actually stayed in all their classes and are still driving dad’s ’91 Buick LeSabre around campus.

-Did Tressel read the NCAA’s “several pages” of allegations
against Clarett?
Jim says no, I say bullshit. Your leading rusher/Heisman candidate/poster child causes trouble all summer, then the first “official” documentation comes out of what might happen to him and you just skim over it? Right. And when I was a kid, I only skimmed Funky Winkerbean to see if Harry Dinkle finally sold a band turkey. (For the record, I knew that Harry Dinkle was the band director before looking at that site. And sorry for the pop-ups that come with it. Fucking Angelfire!

-Who will start in Clarett’s place?
Gloria Gaynor. And she will survive.

-Are further sanctions possible against Clarett and Ohio State?
Possibly, though Maurice likes to refer to the Pure Platinum incident as a “misunderstanding”, and holds his stance firmly that a “lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying.”
As for the University itself seeing more sanctions? Not likely. Word around the OSU campus is that Clarett was used as a set-up, just to see how the NCAA did its business in these matters. Athletic Director Andy Geiger has already began forming a comittee to come up with ways to protect such prized entities as the men’s and women’s basketball teams, the baseball team, and the two-time defending league champion Quiz Bowl team from a rumored blood-doping scandal.

-What’s the process for determining how long Clarett is
suspended?
What will happen is a “two-pronged litmus test” for how long the suspension should run. Athletic department officials will research the NCAA’s findings, how the University and the NCAA have handled such issues in past cases, and any other information that might give some assistance to the suspension process. However, if it is found that other institutions in similar situations have issued suspensions greater than the Buckeyes schedule will allow, or if a backup running back is injured in a game, Ohio State will be forced to resort to rock-paper-scissors and come up with a number no larger than 2. (NCAA Bylaw 12-7-8.5a) The second “prong” isn’t really a prong at all, in fact, there isn’t a second prong, but if we didn’t include it in the story, we wouldn’t get to use cool phrases like “two-pronged litmus test.”
But, for those of you that insist on a second prong, let me just tell you that it isn’t pretty. And in most countries, I don’t think its all that legal, either.

-What are Clarett’s options if he is declared permanently
ineligible?
Maurice will be free to do what he chooses if Ohio State determines that he can no longer play football at the university. That said, I would look for Clarett to increase his class load, maybe take a couple senior level BioChem classes, and devote his attention full-time to obtaining the lead role in the OSU Drama and Theatre Club’s spring production of “West Siiiiide Story: The Sharks Get Ganked”. Its a gripping tale of two Israeli immigrant brothers, forced to choose between their career as hog farmers and the dangerous life of a street thug in the Village. The brothers choose separate paths, separating them for seven years, until a mystic gypsy reunites them to fight the good fight against evil, stopping drug rings, murders-for-hire, and general tomfoolery all while searching for their elusive third brother. I’m not going to tell you how it ends, but let me just tell you that it has nothing to do with Sharks, Jets -OR- gankings of any kind, and is pretty much just a ruse to use a sophomoric Israeli hog farming joke.
If the theater doesn’t work out, he can always move back to Northeast Ohio and take care of hummers (and Hummers) for LeBron.

– Have the investigations sullied the university’s name?
Absolutely. The Ohio State University prides itself on being a leader in the classroom, in the laboratory, and the sorority girl behind the dumpster at the corner of 15th and Pearl Alley. For a 19-year old kid to think he can come into an institution such as this and use it as a stepping stone for his own personal gain, fame, fortune, and nightly SportsCenter appearances is unacceptable. This activity must be stopped and it must be stopped now. Oh, and Mo, when you make it to the NFL, don’t forget our alumni department fundraiser each April. A small donation of $500,000 earns a future student-athlete (*snicker*)the privilege of walking into Ohio Stadium, with 105,000 screaming fans ready to hoist him onto a pedestal for the world to see, and look the other way when he gets caught with his hands in the cookie jar.
Of course, if you’re not comfortable with a donation of that size at this time (and I do understand that its tough to make a living in the economic times we live in, and a $3M signing bonus doesn’t go very far anymore), a $250,000 donation will allow the university to remove your name from all future media guides when the rest of the story comes out.
If that donation level is still a little steep for your budget, 15 bucks gets you 10 minutes with the girl behind the dumpster.