And so it begins...

I probably won't be as faithful a correspondent as Tony is, simply because I tend to have... whaddayacallit?... grown-up responsibilities. Like a wife, house, dog, and 43 pay movie channels. But I'll try.

This seems to be as good a place as any to vent about some crap that's bugged me, but I think I'll do it in the form of a gossip column.

ITEM! I can't believe the good folks at Belmont seemingly picked some drunk guy at random out of the stands to sing "New York, New York" before last weekend's race. I don't think the guy had ever heard the song. It was like when I tried singing "Love of a Lifetime" during one particularly inspired karaoke night. Couldn't keep up with the little bouncing ball on the screen... kept forgetting the song... except this guy was doing it in front of 100,000-plus people, and a national TV audience. Absolutely dreadful. The guy got booed pretty mercilessly. I absolutely can not believe I haven't heard anyone else talking about this.

ITEM! Do you think Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" is really some tacit admission of guilt from 20 years in the past? He says very plainly that Billie Jean is not his lover, and makes another great display of pointing out that the kid is not his son. But he never once even bothers trying to deny that the kid is his lover. This would seemingly also open him up to paternity suits from anyone with a kid named "Billie Jean" because he never says that Billie Jean is not his son, either.

ITEM! Is NBC's proposed cartoon about Siegfried and Roy's tigers (working title: "Father of the Pride". Seriously.) the worst idea in the history of the medium? There are really only two ways they could take this idea. Either boring BS with talking tigers, or maybe we'll get to see a cartoon tiger maul a cartoon Nancy Boy. Either way, you know I'll be watching!

ITEM! "Garfield the Movie?" Really? What year is it again? I haven't heard anything about Garfield for minimally 10 years (outside of the usually horiffically unfunny comic strip in the paper), now suddenly he merits a live-action movie? I can't wait for next year's "Small Wonder: Big Screen."

ITEM! I kind of think the "ITEM!" thing might look dumb. But I'll probably keep it this time, and see how I like it.

Let me also congratulate my good friend Tony on a wonderful and inspired piece of unintentional comedy. A Michigan fan calling Ohio State's basketball program dirty? I'm reminded about an old saying about pots, kettles, and former Ford electricians. And yes, it looks very much like the Buckeyes will be headed for a little stop-over in Probation City.

Coming up: my limp-wristed garbagemen, the greatest invention of all-time, and why Bill Simmons must now submit all his vacation requests to me in writing.