Always insightful

I just love this guy's stuff. He's easily the best sports writer since Grantland Rice, or at least Damon Runyon.

If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

There's an old saying that it's better to give than to receive. This is a prime exampe of why old sayings are stupid.

It's a total load of crap, as anyone who's ever received a digital video recorder knows.

If you haven't had the pleasure of playing with one of them, it's the name for the kind of product that TiVO makes. And let me just tell you that they're absolutely incredible.

It records live TV, so you can pause or rewind it if your phone rings or your laxative kicks in or whatever.

It can also be set to tape stuff in the future, using an on-screen program guide, and exactly one button.

Yes, you can do similar stuff with a VCR, but the tapes fill up, and besides, then you've got it on tape. You can equip a DVR with a DVD burner, and then you can build your own library of "The Look For Less" shows, or if you're less sophisticated, old "Seinfeld" episodes, without waiting another 14 years before the millionaires agree on terms and stop trying to screw each other out of royalties.

I got one as a wedding present from my brother, but you don't actually have to go through with something as insane as that.

If you've got a few hundred bucks and some rudimentary computer knowledge, you can build your own. If you have a few hundred more bucks, you can put that DVD burner in there as well.

If you don't have a few hundred bucks, go out and rob a bank or something. This will change your life.

Imagine, never rushing home to make sure you don't miss the first three minutes of "Match Game" on the Gameshow Network. If Brett Somers coughs up a tar-loaded lung, you'll be able to enjoy it over and over again.

Now I ask you, isn't THAT really the greatest gift of all?

I finally found the quiz... of a lifetime.

I got 8 out of 10 on this quiz .

I'm still not sure if I should feel stupid that I know so much 80's hair band music, or if I should feel stupid that I missed two (in retrospect) easy questions.

8 out of 10. I feel so full of...what's the opposite of shame?
Pride?
No, not that far from shame.
Less shame?
Yeah...

Bitter, bitter disappointment

I don't know where to begin today.

There's an article in this morning's Columbus Dispatch that says that Bobby Knight is out of the running for the head coaching job at OSU. Which is good, because what that program needs is so no-name to calm the raging excitement about it. I think OSU basketball is a little TOO hot right now, and the administration should bring in some stiff that 90% of the fans haven't ever heard of. That will make the program, in effect, invisible, and take the heat off.

Edit: Okay.. I've had some time to cool off and think about it, and yes... Tom Crean from Marquette is a much better long-term answer for the program than Bobby Knight. Thad Matta could be too. But man, it would have been suh-weet to have the General come home to retire. End of backpedalling

Then, I plop down to watch ESPN 25's list of the worst teams of the last 25 years. They showed about 45 seconds of game video during the whole hour, mixed in with a couple interviews from people saying, "yeah, they sucked" and about 53 minutes of random shots of people saying "number two" (or whatever) and Stuart F-ing Scott.

When I make a list of the biggest wastes of my time in the last 25 years, that program will rank near the top. F-U, ESPN.

This day sucks.

Like "Citizen Kane", but with a red ball instead of a sled...

I generally try not to pimp events or products too often, but if you don't love the movie "Dodgeball", you have no soul.

A cameo by David Hasselhoff? A bar called "The Dirty Sanchez"? People getting pegged with dodgeballs, and the wonderful, distinctive sound that said balls make when they crash into human flesh? Faaaaaantastic.

We can only hope that this movie will do everything for the sport of dodgeball that "Phat Beach" did for minority beach volleyball.

Come home, Bobby

Is it possible that this story is true and Bobby Knight is about to be the next basketball coach at Ohio State?

Wouldn't that be the coolest thing in school history? I kind of doubt that he's the guy to take this team back to the Final Four. He's not going to be around for too long, I'm sure (three years, maybe?) and his teams haven't exactly been world-beaters in the Big Dance in the last 10 years, either.

But man, would it be exciting. OSU basketball could very easily be the only game in Columbus next winter (with the NHL set to go on an endless lockout/pissing match) and none of the other major candidates seem exciting enough to keep the average sports fan from going into hibernation.

Bobby Knight brings three things to the table, that turn a moribund, perhaps probation-bound program into front-page news again.

1) He's got a spotless reputation (NCAA violation-wise, anyway) and will likely be able to put a stop to all the nonsense.

2) Win or lose, everyone's going to be talking about the program again. None of the other front-running candidates (Jim Cleamons? Thad Matta? Gary Watters?) brings one-tenth the excitement, buzz, or "I absolutely HAVE to go to tonight's game" feeling that Bobby Knight does.

3) He's just the guy to deliver the swift kick in the ass that this program, and some of its (pick one: tempermental/spoiled brat) stars seem to so desperately need. *cough*TonyStockman*cough*

And one bonus: You just know he's going to want to shove it straight up Indiana's ass twice a year. And OSU is more than due to do that again.

Yes, he's got a somewhat checkered past, but I think it's worth the risk, just to get the program back on the national map.

Not that I'm counting, but it's 156 Days

This picture from the college football page at ESPN.com got me all fired up this morning. The Buckeyes damn well better win this year. I don't think I can take another year of mouthy Wolverine fans up here.

Please submit in writing at least 2 weeks prior...

There are certain things I check every time I hop on the internet.

I always make a point of seeing how my whatifsports.com teams are doing.

I always check The O-Zone to find out what horrific new scandal I'm missing out on at my alma mater, now that I live a couple hundred miles away.

And I always, ALWAYS see if Bill Simmons has written anything new.

Just about a month ago, he announced that he was leaving his job with Assface Kimmel Live to focus on writing for the website.

"Great," I thought. "This will mean more columns."

Then, a few weeks later, he simply vanished. Not a word why, just no columns. I kept reloading "Page 2" hoping for something, only to get a face full of "The Daily Quickie", Eric Neel, and Cold Pizza's list of the Top 25 worst all-time morning TV sports talk shows.

Then, suddenly, Bill was back. But he was writing about a trip to Italy, not sports.

Was this trip not planned? Did you get kidnapped and taken overseas? If not, why the hell not prepare people? I could have held off on reading one of the columns and saved it for the middle of that week when I really needed a fix.

As you've probably figured out already, as usual, I don't really have a point to this post. Okay, bye.

Fin.

Maybe if you didn't marry a lesbian...

Somehow this merits a story on 60 Minutes.

The article is worthwhile only because of one line.

"I stood up to it and beat it back," he said. "I don't see it as a stain, because it was illegitimate."

Beat it back? A stain?

He's trying to be funny, right? That can't just be a bad choice of words.

As for WHY he did it, I think the title of the post pretty much sums that up.

Paging Ray Patterson...

This seems like as good a time as any to explain why my garbage men are pretty much worthless.

A couple weeks ago, I set out my garbage in the appropriate cans (divided between garbage, lawn waste, and recycling), in the appropriate spots in front of my largely appropriate house.

The next morning, I found all but one can of the lawn waste taken. That can had a little orange tag on it, with the exceptionally eloquent inscription "Way To (sic) Heavy."

Now, I will grant you that the can was not light. But I was able to pick this can up and lift it to waist level (the level of the back of the garbage truck) without straining myself. And mind you, I also manage to hold down a job whose description involves more than just: 1) Pick up can. 2) Empty contents into back of truck. 3) Ride on back of truck to next house.

It seems to me that picking up cans full of stuff is pretty much what you expected to do when you took the job, right? And assuming you've completed fifth grade (your note certainly casts some doubt on that) you probably had more than one job option.

Unless these guys are too busy solving murders (a la "Men at Work" ) my advice would be to quit your f'ing bitching and throw out my trash.

Tomorrow morning is trash time again. Further bulletins as events warrant.

He taught himself to hear, and feel pain again...

This is the reason I have The Onion bookmarked.

Sometimes I forget to check it for a week or two, and then they come up with gold like this, and remind me that that page needs to be a bigger part of my daily routine.

And just because.

29 days and counting...

"EA Day" is always a big one for me, every single year. But this year, it's threatening to surpass most major holidays.

I got so excited, I think I may have blacked out a few times while reading this article.

Home field advantage, suspensions, transfers, the death penalty? I mean... could this be the single greatest creation in the history of the entire world? And is there ANYONE who won't buy this game and immediately set out to do anything and everything in their power to find out what it takes to get your program the death penalty?

My dog made me post this.

Just when I thought I was special for having my own blog, the Son of Sam gets one too.

Man, that dude is always showing me up.

Cross one off the list...

So I guess this means we can take Bob Huggins' name off the list of people who might take over as the next coach of the basketball Buckeyes.

Next question; How fast can Andy Geiger get a university plane down to Lubbock, Texas?

Just because.

This article has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but I just loved the sentence that starts with "Fully clothed and asexual pornography might seem to make as much sense as non-alcoholic vodka..."

Now you want to read it too, don't you?

Hyperbole is not a football game...

I'm not usually one to get all fired up about a movie that's likely a year or two away. I'm also definitely not the type who will show up at a theater, dressed like a character from the movie.

But I'm considering breaking both these rules if this story pans out.

I'm Rick James, biaaatch!

Fire baaaaad...

Turns out there's a little controversy over Jimmy Kimmel and some comments he made about Detroit during game 2.
I was in a room full of Pistons fans when it happened, and can assure you that these folks are more than a little sensative about their perceived reputation, and probably rightly so. I seem to recall a little outdoor Bar-B-Q in Los Angeles in the early 90's, much more recently than the last such incident in Detroit.
I really wasn't a Pistons fan at all until I watched the Lakers preening and prancing around during game 1. Now, I'm really more rooting for the Lakers to lose than anything. But the Pistons remind me a good bit of the early 90's Knicks teams that I loved, so I don't feel like too much of a bandwagon jumper.

And so it begins...

I probably won't be as faithful a correspondent as Tony is, simply because I tend to have... whaddayacallit?... grown-up responsibilities. Like a wife, house, dog, and 43 pay movie channels. But I'll try.

This seems to be as good a place as any to vent about some crap that's bugged me, but I think I'll do it in the form of a gossip column.

ITEM! I can't believe the good folks at Belmont seemingly picked some drunk guy at random out of the stands to sing "New York, New York" before last weekend's race. I don't think the guy had ever heard the song. It was like when I tried singing "Love of a Lifetime" during one particularly inspired karaoke night. Couldn't keep up with the little bouncing ball on the screen... kept forgetting the song... except this guy was doing it in front of 100,000-plus people, and a national TV audience. Absolutely dreadful. The guy got booed pretty mercilessly. I absolutely can not believe I haven't heard anyone else talking about this.

ITEM! Do you think Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" is really some tacit admission of guilt from 20 years in the past? He says very plainly that Billie Jean is not his lover, and makes another great display of pointing out that the kid is not his son. But he never once even bothers trying to deny that the kid is his lover. This would seemingly also open him up to paternity suits from anyone with a kid named "Billie Jean" because he never says that Billie Jean is not his son, either.

ITEM! Is NBC's proposed cartoon about Siegfried and Roy's tigers (working title: "Father of the Pride". Seriously.) the worst idea in the history of the medium? There are really only two ways they could take this idea. Either boring BS with talking tigers, or maybe we'll get to see a cartoon tiger maul a cartoon Nancy Boy. Either way, you know I'll be watching!

ITEM! "Garfield the Movie?" Really? What year is it again? I haven't heard anything about Garfield for minimally 10 years (outside of the usually horiffically unfunny comic strip in the paper), now suddenly he merits a live-action movie? I can't wait for next year's "Small Wonder: Big Screen."

ITEM! I kind of think the "ITEM!" thing might look dumb. But I'll probably keep it this time, and see how I like it.

Let me also congratulate my good friend Tony on a wonderful and inspired piece of unintentional comedy. A Michigan fan calling Ohio State's basketball program dirty? I'm reminded about an old saying about pots, kettles, and former Ford electricians. And yes, it looks very much like the Buckeyes will be headed for a little stop-over in Probation City.

Coming up: my limp-wristed garbagemen, the greatest invention of all-time, and why Bill Simmons must now submit all his vacation requests to me in writing.

hi. i'm tom

still tom