Saturday, July 31, 2004

The trade winds sure do blow....

If you don't care about the Mets, or don't like profanity, I'll urge you to stop reading right now.

If you haven't heard about the trades the Mets pulled today, you can get a synopsis by clicking here.

I hate the Benson deal. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Here's why: you gave up a lot for him, and you're now going to get absolutely raped if you want to re-sign him. He's not that good, he's just the best non-Randy Johnson arm available during a down year. And it's not like he's going to be the final piece of the puzzle to get you into the World Series. This team has shitty hitting and an atrocious bullpen, too.

But that Benson deal looks like they got fucking Lou Brock for Ernie Broglio compared to the other abortion that Jim Duquette shoved up everyone's ass.

You trade away Scott Kazmir, who's your top pitching prospect (with 259 K's in 203 career innings) for Victor Zambrano.

Zambrano is not awful. He was the Devil Rays' ace, but in reality, he's a decent no. 3 starter on a playoff team. But you don't give up your best arm for a middle of the rotation pitcher. And you sure as hell don't do it when you're seven fucking games out of first with no chance at the wild card.

Look, maybe Zambrano and Benson will turn the whole season around, the Mets will run off 18 wins in 22 games or something, and they'll win the division and make it back to the World Series. Maybe I'm the moron here. But I doubt it.

I see the slow fade continuing, the Mets missing the playoffs, then blowing too much money re-signing the overrated Benson and regressing to a fourth place team next year.

Meanwhile, Kazmir will be an all-star in the next three seasons and Justin Huber (a minor league catcher they traded to the Royals in the Benson deal) will emerge as a servicable major leaguer at worst, and the Mets won't make it back to the World Series in the next five years at LEAST.

Pictured below: Scott Kazmir poses for his Hall of Fame plaque. Jim Duquette is just out of view, bending over as all the other major league GMs run a train on him.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Dems on Parade

That was an interesting evening.

Kerry was sweating like Albert Brooks in "Broadcast News".. he didn't say anything tremendously impressive, nor did he deliver it all that well.. and yet it's probably going to look like genius after Bush stumbles and mumbles through his speech. The end of the night when everyone was on stage, it looked like the end of every Saturday Night Live with Al Sharpton filling the "Tracy Morgan Memorial Token Black Guy" role.

Except with more balloons. Lots more balloons.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

This is total B.S...

Current date: July 28th
Current temperature outside: 55 degrees
Current precipitation: Raining, like it has been all day.

This is garbage. The wifey and I came home from work tonight and lit a fire in the fireplace. Honest to God.

May I just remind you again that it's July? In the northern hemisphere? WTF?

Monday, July 26, 2004

Sometimes the jokes write themselves...

Pet store or front for an underground gay sex club? I'm not sure I want to find out. Posted by Hello

This store is located about five minutes from my house, and I've been meaning to post a picture of it for about a year now. I finally got around to it this morning. I think we can all agree that it was worth the wait.

I went to a party that turned out to be a total... clam bake?

In Bill Simmons' latest work of genius, a reader asked what the female equivalent of a "sausage fest" was. Simmons replied, Great question. I even sent this one out to my friends. Out of the top 100 possible answers, 100 of them couldn't be printed. In fact, nine of them would have redefined comedy as we know it. But since this Web site is owned by the Disney corporation ... well ... you know. I could come up with some generic ones, but they would end up being about as funny as one of Tammy Pescatelli's "I'm Sicilian" routines on "Last Comic Standing."

So here's what I'm hoping: People will e-mail back and forth about this, saying to each other, "Did you read Simmons' column today? What do you think the nine phrases were?" Invariably, the readers come up with nine or 10 on their own, one of them spreads, and eventually, the female equivalent of "sausage-fest" emerges in a grass-roots sort of way. Hey, I can dream.

In a post below, Big Daddy suggests "Clam Bake." That's brilliant and certainly one of the front-runners at this point.

Other possibilities that immediately occured to me: Fish Market, Taco Stand, Tuna Fest, Estro-Festro, and Breast Fest.

I'm somewhat partial to Fish Market and Estro-Festro in addition to the aforementioned Clam Bake, but am eager to hear some other suggestions from my perverted friends.

Football and redecorating...

Future Buckeye Ted Ginn was named the MVP of this weekend's "Big 33" Game between Ohio and Pennsylvania, and I'm sure that the trophy will look nice on his mantle. My question is where that thing will go after he wins the 2005 and 2006 Heisman Trophies? Will he find another place to put the Big 33 award, or will it become a doorstop?

If you're a Michigan fan, this guy's going to give you nightmares for at least the next three years.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Global sausage fest?

Anyone who's ever spent an evening at a club that looked like a Johnsonville convention probably thinks there could be something to this study.
As a married man, I am now in a position to laugh at the idea of "bare branches."

Saturday, July 17, 2004

I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...

VH1 clearly hates me.
I have at least five or six hours of writing to do today (my only day off this week), and actually managed to drag my ass inside, out of the gorgeous weather we're enjoying right now.
Then, I walked past the TV, only to find an "I love the 90s" marathon on today.
Hmmm... should I spend the rest of my day:
A) Writing 3,000 words on why Northwestern has a chance to play in a December bowl game again this season
B) Laughing my ass off as Michael Ian Black and Hal Sparks make witty comments about "The Humpty Dance", Snap Bracelets, and Vanilla Ice.
C) Trying to make OSU hang triple-digits on Indiana on the All-American level of NCAA Football 2005.
Decisions, decisions.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

It's a hell of a day when I think about this guy...

Roger Clemens (ahem) stellar performance in the all-star game brought exactly one name to mind.

And if you think Mike Piazza wasn't doing the old "Here comes the deuce. And when you speak of me speak well" routine behind the plate tonight, you are clinically insane.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

The new phonebooks are here!

Yes, the big day has arrived.

Well, I guess not technically, but in about an hour it will officially be EA Day.

NCAA Football 2005 ships on Monday, and I have spent the whole day zooming around like a hummingbird on crack, trying to figure out how I can:
A) Get my hands on a copy ASAP
B) Blow off work without arousing suspicion so I can give it the time it so richly deserves
C) Legitimize the fact that I'm now married with a dog and a mortgage, and yet still play videogames like a dorky 12-year-old.

Don't even get me started on what's going to happen when GTA: San Andreas hits the stores this October.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Surprisingly, no eggs or cream are involved...

A new "New York style" deli opened up about five minutes from my house, so I (desperately craving some of the favorites of my childhood) decided to swing by and take a taste.

I was very hopeful, because the place calls itself something like "New York Deli" and has a line just below that on their sign that promises "A Taste of New York" and has a big picture of the Statue of Liberty. I think they were going for some kind of New York theme.

So I walk in and ask the girl at the counter for an egg cream . You would have thought I asked her to split the fucking atom. She made a face and asked me to say the name of the drink again. I repeated "egg cream." She got a confused look and said, "umm... we don't have those."

Yes, it sure is a VERY authentic New York deli. Thank God I didn't ask for pastrami or a knish. Her head might have exploded.

Maybe they should open up a Chicago-style thin-crust pizza place next door, or perhaps an authentic Kosher restaurant that serves nothing but shellfish.


Friday, July 09, 2004

I never thought I would say this..

but there is no possible way I will vote for George Bush this fall. I don't like Kerry, but dear God.

My mind was made up a little while ago (no, I still haven't seen Fahrenheit 9/11) but it's shit like this that just makes me nauseous.

Let me just sum up my feelings thusly:

As if the complete lack of WMDs, the unreal bungling of the entire Iraq mess, the unnecessarily dead soldiers, the alienation of the international community and the shitty economy isn't bad enough... let's get rid of these so people won't think he's an AWOL liar.

Look, maybe it's not a conspiracy, but at the absolute very least, it's extraordinarily shady.

If you're really interested in the crap going on in this administration, skip the fat guy's movie and read a book called "The Best Democracy Money Can Buy" by Greg Palast.

Let's get Monkey face out of office. Vote Horse face '04.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

The reason I love the internet

I have no idea how I managed to not stumble upon this page before.

That game and Tecmo Super Bowl were pretty much the end of the "outdoor time" in my childhood.

I must admit, I giggled repeatedly while reading through the team descriptions.

There's about a 90% chance that I'll do a GIS for screenshots and post them in the next 12-24 hours.


I broke down already. Man, I loved that game.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Heeeeeeere's THAD!

This picture shows:
A) New Buckeye basketball coach Thad Matta acknowledging that yes, OSU is number one.
B) Thad hailing a cab to get the hell out of Cincitucky forever.
C) Thad acknowledging that OSU will likely face at least "this many" years on probation.
D) All of the above.

The correct answer is D.

Yes, it's going to be Thad. Yes, I know this pretty much for a fact. Yes, he's a better choice than Bobby Knight, WhachootalkinboutWillis Whatshisname, and Kevin "Gene" Stallings. Yes, Andy Geiger got the right guy. Yes, OSU basketball will be back to the sweet 16 in the next couple years.

Getting wood for the rain forest

I'm starting to think that maybe I should be more involved in environmental causes.

The link is incredibly not safe for work, by the way.

Monday, July 05, 2004


What a perfect way to celebrate Independence Day... with one of the sweeter baseball-related days I've had in years.

First, the Mets sweep the f'ing Yankees, beating them in the season series just a year after going 0-6.

On top of that, Richard Hidalgo done blow'd up. The former 40-HR threat was awful with the Astros this year, but has completely turned his career around in basically two weeks at Shea. If he keeps hitting half this well and the pitching staff holds up, there could be October baseball just off Roosevelt Avenue this year.

Still sweet, but almost an afterthought at this point, my team (Prescription Cowbell) blew through the first round of the playoffs in a surprisingly easy four games. On to the LCS...

By the way, I've never really been tempted to photoshop one of those "PWN3D!" pictures, but I've seen a couple good ones of Steinbrenner recently... and I'm thinking about it now.

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