Friday, December 24, 2004

Now and later

Where I am right now.

Where I will be for the first week of January.

Man, this is gonna be suh-weeeet!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Jesus Fucking Christ

Now it's Albert Dukes a freshman wide receiver at OSU.

Will this ever fucking end?

Incidentally, the crime is apparently trying to having sex with someone 12-15 years old.

Remember when following sports was fun? No matter which team/school you root for, you probably have to think back quite a while.

Outside of exactly one day, this is just a miserable year for this program.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Seven.

Apparently gluttony isn't Tom Amstutz' only sin.

This is actually kind of funny. Why would they think they'd get away with it?

Incidentally, I think the fact that EMU is making such a big deal out of it is sort of bullshit. They got pounded pretty good (it was 42-17 Toledo after three) so I don't think that one play cost them the game.

In case you're interested, you can find the EMU-Toledo box score here.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Now what?

Is there still time to change the name of this year's OSU football highlight video to "2004 Ohio State Football: What The Fuck Could Possibly Happen Next?"

This time it's Troy Smith, who apparently did something he wasn't supposed to.

The school isn't saying much, but I'd bet it's one of three things.

- Grades (not too likely, given the phrasing of some of the statements)
- Taking money from an agent or booster (possible)
- An Ebay Auction that ended the same day the school apparently learned of a violation.

My money's on the third one, which would clearly show zero institutional involvement and probably mean a two-game suspension (the bowl game and the opener next year).

Sorry, Michigan fans. I don't think this means OSU will have to forfeit this year's ass kicking.

(I'm in a better mood already!)

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

A helping hand in a time of need.

I tried to post this on Tony's page but the comments thing wasn't working.

If you're serious about it, you should check out this wonderfully morbid site for some great ideas.

A few suggestions, since my ticket to hell is clearly punched already.
-Hall of Fame baseball player Ralph Kiner (82, and suffering from some significant health issues)
-Hall of Fame baseball player Phil Rizzuto (87)
-Former major league manager Al Lopez (96)
-Darryl Strawberry (42 going on 110, and a good "wildcard" pick if you have one of those for a younger person)
-Red Auerbach (87, and I think he smoked once or twice)
-Legendary boxer Max Schmeling (99)
-Mike Tyson (38, but clearly courting death on a daily basis)
-Pat Summerall (74, not in great health)
-Rat packer Joey Bishop (86)
-James Doohan (Scotty from "Star Trek") who is 86, and was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's
-Ernest Borgnine (87)
-Kirk Douglas (88)
-Jack Palance (85)
-June Allyson (87, and already incontinent)
-Jane Wyman (90)
-Michael Jackson (46, and only a matter of time)
-Bob Barker (81, and just lost the love of his life, Rod Roddy)
-Kitty Carlisle (94)
-Art Linkletter (92)
-Louie Anderson (51, but about 12,000 pounds)
-Gerald Ford (91)
-William Rehnquist (80, and suffering from cancer)
-Sen Robert Byrd (87)
-Howard Metzenbaum (87)
-Nelson Mandela (86, including a lot of hard years)
-Lady Bird Johnson (91)
-Betty Ford (86, including a lot of hard years)
-Nancy Reagan (83, living without Ron)

And yes, clearly, I spent too much time on this.

I think we all saw this coming...

The Mets are apparently close to signing Pedro Martinez.

This is an absolutely brilliant move, assuming you want to pony up more than $50 million over four years to build your team around a starting pitcher who could barely go six innings last year, and who is aging more rapidly than Kathleen Turner.

If it were me, I would have gone after Carl Pavano, who is five years younger, has a better arm at this point, and who signed for about $13 million less with the Yankees. But that's just me.

Knowing the Mets, the next logical step will be trying to acquire Sammy Sosa, who is 36, falling apart physically, and probably due for a Jason Giambi-like "diet" that will cause him to lose 30 pounds of muscle during the off-season. You know.. by cutting out fast food and stuff.

Because the "assemble the 1998 all-stars" theme worked so well two years ago (Mo Vaughn, Roberto Alomar, etc).

Then, my next step will be flying to New York, hopping the 7 train to Shea, and beating everyone in the front office to death with a Juan Samuel-model baseball bat.

I think it's cool... but then again, I'm a dork.

We had our office Christmas party tonight.

No one got hammered and threw up in a potted plant.

No one randomly hooked up in a car outside the restaurant.

But it was still kind of sweet. We had it in the basement of the restaurant where Jimmy Hoffa was last seen.

Like I said, I think that's cool... but then again, I'm a dork.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

The Usual Suspects

Let's see... Indianapolis... a beer delivery guy... this story reminds me of two brothers I know.

No chance they'd be involved in some kind of booze-related incident, though.

Title goes here once I think of something clever.

Maybe I'm just tired, but the last entry on this week's What Do You Think? made me laugh out loud for a good minute.

That is all.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

'Scuse me while I whip this out.

2004 Michigan Football: Rock out with your cock out!

Not to be confused with this incident.

Hail, Hail to Michigan... who can't keep it in their pants.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Un-beee-reav-able!

Some crazy crap from a surprisingly entertaining Saturday in sports.

- Washington State's men's basketball team scored 29 points in an entire game. They shot 21.8% from the field, 20% from the line, and 16.7% from downtown.

- Michigan State's football team put up 598 yards of total offense; 268 rushing and 330 passing... and lost to Hawaii. The 16 penalties for 119 yards (including one that negated a kickoff return for a touchdown, and one that wiped out a long touchdown run) didn't help. In that game, for the second week in a row, Hawaii's Chad Owens put up four receiving TDs against a Big Ten defense. He had 13 catches for 283 yards and four scores against the Spartans, after blowing up for 9 catches, 155 yards and four touchdowns (plus a kick return touchdown) against Northwestern.

- Navy beat up on Army, 42-13. It's the Mids' third straight win in the series, by a combined score of 134-31. That 103 point margin in just three games is more than the previous margins of victory in the previous 13 games of the series combined.

- It's going to be Pittsburgh and Utah in the Fiesta Bowl, making for the least sexy BCS game of all time.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

It's that time of year again...

The BCS is just three games away from fucking up college football for the second straight season.

Let me just reiterate something I said last year.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Something bites.. and another one bites the dust.

I finally got around to watching the new Sports Guy cartoon on ESPN.com. Boy... I really missed out last week.

If Bill Simmons is going to cut back on his almost always entertaining columns to put together unfunny shit like this (entire cartoon: Red Sox third-base coach Dale Sveum sends runners home when he shouldn't), he's going to be living in a refridgerator carton this time next year.

Also, Indiana canned Gerry DiNardo, showing once again why they're the worst football program in the Big Ten. The guy took a team with a dead-ass bare cupboard, re-stocked it, and had it in position to make it's first bowl game in more than a decade next season.

So they fired him.

Unless they've got some real whiz kid in the wings who's absolutely guaranteed to lead the program to the promised land, it's a monumental mistake.

How many IU football coaches, hired since the end of World War I have finished their careers with a winning record? One. And he left the school almost 50 years ago.

You've got to have a little more patience when a guy takes over a steaming pile like DiNardo did. Let's not forget that IU beat two ranked teams this year (Oregon and Minnesota) and was close to other big wins (i.e. Penn State).

This is why Indiana football is Indiana football.

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