Sunday, January 30, 2005

Back in the saddle again...

After an unfortunate run-in with some unpleasant chap(s) who is/are almost undoubtedly still living in his/her parents' basement, I gave the site some Cialis, and now it's back up.

But if it stays that way for more than four hours, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to seek medical attention.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

... and for half the price!

It's an absolutely unbelievable day of soccer news... so much so that I think it deserves its own post.

The world's best teams are now scouting... get this... get this... a 9 year old. Apparently, the kid's the best ball-handler that age that's ever been seen outside Neverland. (Hi-yo!) You can allegedly see video of the kid in action here. Although I haven't looked at them yet.

A German referee admitted to fixing matches. This, of course, is definitive proof that all the crazy, paranoid theories about the Crew's failure to win the MLS Cup are 100% true.

And England's soccer federation just released a DVD of the country's greatest soccer players that was whiter than Upper Arlington.

I doubt that this day of soccer news will ever be topped.

Incidentally, unless I f'ed up the punchline, Tony should understand the significance of the title to the post. I'll let him explain. Or not. Whatever.

Just because...



I saw something on the AP wire today about the first days of spring training being only about three weeks away.

This made me happy, since I've been dealing with the nasty confluence of no hockey plus no good OSU basketball plus the N.Y. Giants being out of playoff contention in July. OSU hockey (second place in the CCHA, just split with first place you-know-who) and OSU women's basketball (#3 in the country) can only get you so far.

Plus, Peter Gammons wrote a semi-flattering article about the Mets today. Okay.. semi-flattering might be taking it a bit far. But it's not as nasty as most stuff written about them. So that's nice.

In an unrelated note, making Rob Neyer's articles pay-per-view was retarded.

That is all.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Suh-man-tuh!

The Eagles go to the Super Bowl, and make a roster move clearly designed to get all the good karma from making a Tony Danza movie suddenly become a true story. Sort of.

It hardly matters. With the power of Tony on their side, the Iggles will not be bested.

Not sure what to make of this...

A friend of mine showed me this site.

One of these girls came up to him in bar and handed him a pencil with the URL on it.

I expected pretty much anything... but I wasn't ready for this.

Enjoy!

Monday, January 24, 2005

Now you've seen it, too.

I saw this and just had to share. You know... in a "this smells terrible. Here, you smell it" kind of way.



Page down to see the magic.




I'm still not sure what to make of this.





Or who took the time to put it together.




But I'm pretty sure they were German.




The toppings are also cursed...

So the Patriots are going to the Super Bowl. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

My brother is a die-hard Pats fan (and was long before it was trendy to be one). That's good.

Now we'll have to deal with more whiny "no one respects us" crap from the lunatic fringe of Patriots fans. That's bad.

My brother isn't one of those people, and he's the only Pats fan I know personally. That's good.

One of the worst offenders happens to have a popular column on ESPN.com. That's bad.

The fact that the Patriots are back in the Super Bowl means that we'll probably get one of those Super Bowl week blogs from him, and they're usually entertaining. That's good.

Unless he spends the whole time whining about the Pats not getting enough respect. Which is probably what will happen. That's bad.

The entire city of Pittsburgh is on suicide watch right now. I hate Pittsburgh. That's good.

All the obnoxious Chowds who have been enjoying a little too much success in the world of sports recently seem poised to enjoy it again. That's bad.

The thought of having to listen to talking heads fight, scratch and claw for the right to slurp down Tom Brady and Bill Belichick's banjo gravy for two weeks is definitely unappealing. That's bad, too.

But in two weeks, it really won't matter. I can't root for Philly. That entire city sucks. I hate all of their teams, I hate their fans, and I hate the city itself. It's just a steaming pile. Any team from Philly could be playing a team from the old Soviet Union, and I'd be waving a pennant with CCCP on it. (In Soviet Russia, pennant wave you!)

So I guess go Pats, even if it means that we have to listen to their most annoying lunatic fringe bitching about the sporting equivalent of "they took out so many taxes from my winning Powerball ticket!"

Incidentally, I've always thought the Patriots should go back to their old school red uniforms, white helmets and the Pat Patriot logo. I liked that look back in the day, and a Steve Grogan retro jersey would be somewhat high on my wish list if I actually took the time to put together a wishlist of retro jerseys.


And no, I didn't just like it because the Patriot is bending over.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Pimp my ride.

Before I begin, I should introduce our cast of characters, because somehow I feel it's funnier if you can picture them all in your head.


This is Kwame Kilpatrick. He's the mayor of Detroit and has pretty much constantly been in trouble for something or other the entire time I've lived here.



This is his wife, Carlita. She was at the center of the latest scandal, although everyone swears that she knew nothing about it.


This is Christine Beatty. She's his chief of staff, a title that works on a couple levels once you realize they're also having an affair.



Ella Bully-Cummings. Detroit's police chief, and the proud owner of a name that always makes me laugh.



Howard Hughey (left). He's the mayor's press secretary. Although you have to wonder about a boy who's a secretary... if you know what I'm saying.



Steve Wilson. He's an investigative reporter at a Detroit TV station, who has demonstrated a consistent knack for getting people to attack him on camera, making for truly spectacular television. He also finds stuff out.


Our story begins back in December, when according to sources, the mayor apparently had the cash-strapped city lease a new Lincoln Navigator to ferry his wife around in. Someone from the mayor's office referred to it as "Carlita's Christmas present," although it's also been referred to in the same breath as the huge ass ring that Kobe Bryant gave his wife after diddling the concierge in Colorado.

This was no ordinary SUV, however, as witnessed by its price tag. The city paid $24,995 for a one-year lease. This is about $19,000 more than a normal person would pay for one year of the same vehicle, and in an astounding coincidence, is also $5 less than the threshhold for which Detroit's city council needs to approve purchases. (cough)kickbacks(cough)

This story broke a couple weeks ago, exactly one day after the mayor himself went on TV to announce that the city would have to cut between 600-1000 jobs because of budget problems. Needless to say, many people were not happy that they would be out of work while the mayor's family was spending the city's money like water.

The city responded exactly as they should not have. "What SUV?" "I haven't seen any SUV?"

TV reporters found the car.

"Oh, that SUV. It was for the police chief." Of course, no one actually told the police chief, so this explanation fell apart quickly.

"It was for undercover drug operations." This also fell apart, when people pointed out that there were police lights on it, and the car was registered to the city of Detroit.

Then, there was silence. No explanation, just "it's not for Carlita."

The mayor flew to Washington, DC for a conference. There, Wilson, the reporter pictured above, asked the mayor to explain. The mayor repeated eight times, "we can talk live any time you want" (i.e. on live TV, so it can't be edited), then had his bodyguard slam Wilson into a wall. This, naturally, was shown 12 times an hour, around the clock on TV. It also followed an incident where one of Kilpatrick's mother's bodyguards (she's a congresswoman) shoved Wilson out of the way.

As required by law, the city turned over the documents related to the lease of the SUV, except for one. This was the order form where someone actually signed for the vehicle. Since no one was admitting that they actually ordered the vehicle at this ludicrously inflated price, this was kind of an important piece of the story. But the city claimed that it was lost.

A TV station showed video of actually going down to the purchasing department, asking for this document (a month ago), and the mayor's press secretary, Howard Hughey, walking out with it, saying "I'll be right back." He never returned, and the document vanished.

Just yesterday, the mayor and police chief held a press conference to explain it all.

The highlights:
- No one lied, it was just a series of communication breakdowns.

- The mayor saw the price of the car shortly after the lease, decided it was too expensive, and told the police chief (who now says she ordered it) to take it back. But he forgot about that conversation when reporters asked him about the SUV. That's why he said he didn't know anything about an SUV. He forgot.

- The SUV was leased for the purpose that reporters said it was (driving the mayor's wife around), but after the mayor said he didn't want it, it was reassigned to the undercover drug unit. This was all documented with papers saying that it was true, dated after the investigations were well underway. But it wasn't motivated by the investigations. The police chief just didn't get around to doing it for almost a month. But the decisions were made earlier. Just trust us on that.

- Reporters were to blame for the physical confrontations, because the mayor felt threatened because they were too close to him, and may have bumped him with a microphone.

- The police chief made a point of handing out packets of documents detailing all the specifics on the lease, including the page that was supposedly lost. They must have found it that morning. This packet, the chief said, showed that the city had nothing to hide. They even helpfully blacked out the names of the people who approved the lease because "they didn't want TV reporters bothering them." But they have nothing to hide.

What's the moral of the story? Detroit's messed up. But you probably knew that already.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Shocking.

Step 1: See humorous picture
Step 2: Try to stifle laugh since you're at work
Step 3: Post on blog
Step 4: Look for more humorous pictures and repeat


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I want to break free...

I think the constant parade of advertisements that run before the previews that run before a movie might be the most annoying new trend this side of "pop up" ads.

I just want to watch a movie. I understand that previews are part of that, and I'm fine with that to some extent. Show me two or three movies that somehow link to the movie I'm seeing (if I'm seeing a comedy, show me comedy previews) then STFU.

As it is now, a 7:20 movie (as I saw last night) starts around 7:40. When you're watching an ungodly long movie (like, say, The Aviator because your wife wants to see it) that means I'm sitting in that seat for about three hours. And it's all so they can pitch some crappy car or soda to me, then barrage me with previews for movies that don't come out for 18 months.

I'm also not exactly clear why they have to tell you 12 different times that you shouldn't talk and that you should turn off your cell phone.

When I open the "Have You Met Tom" multiplex, movie-goers will walk in, the lights will dim, and the words "Shut the fuck up" will appead on the screen in 10-foot tall letters. It will stay there for a minute, they'll show one preview, and the movie will start.

And I'll charge five bucks a ticket and three bucks for popcorn.

So there.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Giggity giggity giggity!

Look who's back.

I'll give you a hint. It's not a Tootsie Roll.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Worst. Advertising Campaign. Ever.

"The Coldest Tasting Beer in the World"?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I guess if you're peddling something that tastes like watered-down horse piss, your options are somewhat limited. But that's the best the ad wizards at Coors Light could come up with?

Off the top of my head, I think that a slogan like "Coors Light: Ooh! It's really shiny!" would make me more likely to drink it than "coldest tasting." How does something taste cold? If you serve it at room temperature does it still taste cold?

I'm just very confused, and it's starting to interfere with my day of watching football.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Not dead...

just not posting much.

Back in Detroit, where it went from the mid-50s to the mid-20s in the span of four hours today, there's not much to talk about other than "this sucks."

More later. Or not.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Right ne-ah da beach... boooyyy!

I've been dropping that phrase into conversation all week, to the point where my wife is now using it as well.

Why? I'm livin' it up in Miami Beach. It's January 5th and I have something of a sun burn right now. That's always the sign of a good time.

We passed Magic Johnson on the beach earlier this week and sat a couple sections away from him, Derek Jeter and Gary Sheffield at the Heat-Sonics game on Monday. (awesome game... the Heat missed a tying 3 at the buzzer, but the shooter got fouled. He had a chance to send it to OT at the line, but couldn't get it done) We're going to the Heat-Knicks game in a couple hours. The last game, we had seats in the 10th row behind one of the baselines. I'm told our tickets for tonight are better than that. You've got to love knowing someone who works for the team.

We didn't end up going to the Orange Bowl, despite my incessant whining that we should. We were able to watch the planes go overhead just moments before their flyover, and I think we could hear the booing following the halftime show as well.

Seriously, if Ashlee Simpson ever appears in public again, she's got a lot of guts. She was worse than Oklahoma, and that's REALLY saying something.

Speaking of Oklahoma, what, exactly is so impressive about the Big XII? The Sooners got de-flowered by USC, Texas squeaked by a decent, but not great Michigan team, Texas Tech walloped Cal, A&M got peed on by Tennessee and Oklahoma State got spanked by the Buckeyes. I haven't watched any of the talking heads this week, but I'm guessing that they're playing up the Texas and Tech games to justify the season-long suck jobs. That was just a dreadful week for that league, and if Michigan had any clue how to stop a running quarterback, it would have been worse.

But alas, when I actually wanted them to win a game, they did not. No wonder everyone hates them.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Clever title goes here.

A bunch of crap in a big ol' hurry.

First, happy 2005.

Let me just be the first to say that Regis was absolutely dreadful filling in for Dick Clark. I don't know how bad off ol' Dickie Boy is, but even if you just propped him up in front of the camera "Weekend at Bernie's" style, he couldn't have been worse.

I'm starting the new year by flying to Miami on New Year's morning, and will spend the first seven days of 2005 in 70-80 degree temperatures, living for free out of an apartment two blocks from the Atlantic Ocean.

I got an Ipod (among other things) for Christmas. That thing rules. It's up there with TiVo as the greatest inventions of the last five years in my book.

Northwest Airline sucks ass. I flew home to NYC on Christmas night, and they managed to take about an hour to unload the luggage from our plane. Then, when it finally started appearing at baggage claim.. the luggage carousel broke. Not good times. The rest of the trip was awesome, however.

OSU kicked the shit out of Oklahoma State in the Alamo Bowl, so that was good. There's a really good chance that they'll be a dominant team this fall.

The Big Ten enters New Year's Day 2-1 (and very close to being 3-0). Iowa and Wisconsin are at least 50/50 to win their games, and I'll even be rooting for the Wolvies... although I'm not tremendously optimistic about their chances. Seriously, though: good luck and go blue.

My B.S. resolutions are pretty the same as always... stop eating like you're trying to look like a "before" picture in some gym/diet supplement ad... do something more physical than walking to the bathroom every day... blah blah blah.

Really, at the end of the year, I'll be happy if I can say two things:

1) My brother got home safe from Iraq (he leaves for there in February)
2) I got the hell out of TV news. Yes, I know where I'll be going. No, I can't tell you. Yes, it could happen in the next month. Yes, I'm incredibly excited. And yes, it involves sports.

Happy 2005, kiddies.

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