Saturday, February 26, 2005

Slow times at Ridgemont High...

If I was a better human being I wouldn't take such glee in the news that Maurice Clarett basically crapped down his leg at the NFL combine. But I'm not a better human being, so I'm pretty much giddy right now.

He ran a 4.82 in the 40, then a 4.71 (which TV reporters supposedly said was really about a 4.81). That's after two solid years of working out, with Clarett proclaiming himself in "the best shape of his life."

After that, he apparently walked off and didn't complete the other workout stations.

Add in the history of injuries, the long layoff, and the attitude problem and he probably doesn't need to worry about paying attention to the NFL draft until at least sometime in the middle of the second day.

At this point would anyone be surprised if he got hurt during the preseason, never played a down in the league and was back living in Section 8 housing in Youngstown this time next year?

Barring something really unforseen (like him suddenly turning into something other than a big, worthless turd) I think he's going to be a very high draft choice... in the 2009 Death Pool.

I feel sort of bad. I should probably wait for him to finish running the 40 before I make fun of him. He's almost there...

I did a 40 in 4.82 seconds back in college. But that was Colt 45, so I don't think it's quite the same.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

All your questions answered...

The woman in the Overstock commericals is named Sabine Ehrenfeld. Her IMDB page leaves something to be desired. Only one picture comes up on her Google Image search (well... technically two... except one is a building) but there's a shot from the commercials here if you care.

Also, the song from the Ipod Remix commercial is called "Jerk It Out" which means I messed up the lyrics during the last post. It's by a band called "Caesars Palace" of just "Caesars" depending on who you ask.

And if you were wondering where babies come from, I've got you covered there as well.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

A potpouri of crap...

1) If you watched this week's (surprisingly entertaining) episode of the Simpsons, you may have noticed a disclaimer. It read (I'm paraphrasing here), "This episode deals with the issue of same-sex marriage. Viewer discretion is advised."

Now let me get this straight... of all the crap that's gone on during that show-- Sideshow Bob trying to kill Bart, Maggie hitting Homer on the head with a mallet, Principal Skinner and Ms. Crabappel having sex in the school closet (one of the babies looked at me!)-- it takes same-sex marriage to get a warning? This country's priorities are so completely retarded... it just makes my head hurt. The whole idea of running the country based on the morals of the most conservative of the religious right is just dumb.

2) There's a new song that I find strangely enjoyable, and nauseatingly catchy. It's in the Ipod Shuffle commercial (with the arrows and the people dancing). Sing it with me! "'Cuz it's easy when you know how it's done..." I don't know why this song sticks with me like it does. It just does.

2a) Is the new Gwen Stefani song "Rich Girl" or "Rich Boy" or something... the most annoying song ever? It's far and away the frontrunner for the "2005 'Popular, despite the fact that it sucks ass' song of the year." And I didn't think last year's winner (that "Milkshake" song) would ever be topped.

3) The new leader in the race for the "Woman who I'm not sure why I'm attracted to her award, 2005 version" is the woman from the Overstock.com commercials. She's probably 40, and looks like a poor man's Diane Lane (it isn't Diane Lane, is it?) but I always watch those commercials and think, "yeah, if I was single, I'd hit it."
Anyone have any other nominees?

Coming up at some point in the indefinite future: Michigan's dreadful roads, Michigan's dreadful drivers, and the name of the blog officially gets changed to "Listen to some jackass bitch about stuff."

Monday, February 21, 2005

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

(Deep breath) Ahhhhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

(Deep breath) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Paris got pwn3d.

And now my sides hurt from laughing too much.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Strong enough for a man, but made for Tony...

I just flipped open this week's SI, starting (as always) with Rick Reilly's column. This week's topic: Julio Franco.

I finished that and proceeded backwards through the magazine. Next page: Inside College Hockey, with a big feature on Bowling Green goaltender Jordan Sieve-alet.

If you know anyone who would find both of those articles interesting, who also has a birthday coming up tomorrow, you should get them that magazine and tell them it's from me.

'Cuz they're damn sure not getting anything else.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

I'm an idiot...

I'm officially excited about the chance of a hockey season again, thanks to this and other reports indicating that it could be back on.

If they piss me off for the second time in less than a week.. I won't be happy.

There's an announcement supposedly coming at 6pm.

Stay tuned...


EDIT:Exactly 15 minutes after I posted this, a story came across the AP wire that there was no deal, and that the talks had not made any significant progress today. I hate everyone.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Five minutes for ass-raping and a game misconduct.

Gary Bettman: You are a fucking bitch. I hope you get caught trying to pick up a 12 year old girl, and have to spend the rest of your life getting assraped by extraordinarily well-endowed men in prison.

Bob Goodenow: Same for you, cockbreath.

All you stupid motherfuckers had to do was give $3 million on each side and you got a deal. Then you hold a sham of a 2005 season, and come back fresh for a spectacular 2005-2006 revival.

Instead, now you stupid cocksuckers will spend the next seven months not negotiating, won't start next season on time (if at all) and will ruin this sport forever. Frankly, you've probably alienated 70% of your already shrinking fan base.

Good luck making money and getting million dollar contracts when there are 6,000 fans in the seats and the league folds six teams.

As it was, I was legitimately excited last night at the prospects of a deal. I was all ready to rush out and buy tickets for at least one, and maybe two games for the abbreviated regular season. And we all know that two months of incredibly exciting playoff hockey would fix damn near anything. But now it's not going to happen.

So fuck you all.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

If anybody slams me against the boards, I'm going to pee all over myself...

According to Eklund's blog, there's reason to think that the players and owners are close to a deal to save the NHL season. Frankly, I was stunned to read that this morning. Maybe I'm just desperate for hockey, but I'm very hopeful that the season could happen.

Let me just say that if this happens, I will seriously, seriously consider running out and buying a Trevor Linden jersey. If that guy saves the season, he should get a standing ovation in every arena around the league.

Okay... I probably won't buy his sweater. But I'll post a picture of him on my blog.

Monday, February 14, 2005

What was your major? Metal shop.

I happened to catch "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" on TV on Friday night.

When that movie first came out, I was in fourth grade, and the trailer had me so excited I could barely contain myself. It showed Steve Martin pushing some woman into a canal, and at my young age, this was damn near the funniest thing I had ever seen. I finally talked my parents into letting me see it... and was unimpressed. It was okay, but they didn't show the woman getting pushed into the canal. I was bummed.

That was the last time I saw it until last week. That movie was HILARIOUS! The number of classic lines in there was off the charts. If you, like I, haven't given that one a chance in a while, do yourself a favor and rent it. I saw it on Turner Classic movies or something like that. I think it's actually on Showtime this month as well.

A couple things to think about...

Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma!
Do you want the genital cuff?
Not mother?
Why is the cork on the fork?
May I take your triton, sir?
May I go to the bathroom first? Of course. ... Thank you.

Just another Manic Monday...

Some bank and gas station here in Detroit have a special event this morning where they're giving away free gas. That's great... except people are backed up for miles hoping to get that gas, jamming every road near the stations. The freeway I drive in on was jammed up too, because of the backup. So thousands and thousands of people are going to be late for work, thanks to that bank and gas station. I think this will definitely put the old theory that "there's no such thing as bad publicity" to the test.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Stanley Spadowski commands you...

This article made me more angry than it probably should have.

It really is the single funniest show on TV right now, and the fact that it is struggling to the degree that it is just illustrates how completely retarded the American populace is on the whole.

First "The Critic", then "Family Guy"... I can't deal with that idiotic network killing another great show.

Fox, Sunday, 8:30 pm. Watch it. Get a fucking Nielson box and watch it. Tell your friends.

That is all.

Bow and arrow... very weird.

This is the house where the NHL committed suicide.

They're about 15 minutes away from killing an entire freaking season... and now there's precious little reason for the owners and players to get together and talk again.

This is so stupid. It's a league with a niche (largely regional) following, horrendous TV numbers, and virtually no history south of Philadelphia. I was really hoping the owners and players would look around and say, "hmm... apparently no one is talking about the fact that we're not playing this winter. Maybe we should get our heads out of our asses before we risk alienating the last 14 people in the world who give a shit about our sport, before it's too late."

But that didn't happen. Frankly, I blame the players more than the owners, although the owners are certainly to blame as well.

I'm sorry... but hockey players can live off of $2.5 million a year instead of $5 million. Yes, you're a pro player and one of the best athletes in the world. That doesn't necessarily entitle you to make an eight-figure paycheck. The best field hockey players in the world don't earn that, and they're good athletes. Stop being idiots, and deal with the fact that you'll only be making 40 times what the average American makes.

That being said, the owners can get bent, too. If you're so stupid that you're going to pay these guys this kind of money (I'm looking in the general direction of 33rd and 7th right now) and you don't have the income to cover it... well... you're an imbecile. I want to know how the hell these owners made their money in the first place. Clearly their business sense is non-existant.

So to sum up; screw the players and screw the owners. You've both messed up an awesome sport, and I'm not sure it'll ever be the same.

Of course there is some good news. At least the Rangers didn't miss the playoffs this year.

By the way, this blog has some interesting stuff. It's a little more upbeat than the general media reporting... but as with all blogs, who knows how much of it is total crap? Take it for whatever it's worth.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

That sucks... and that sucks...

You know the entertainment world is messed up when the thing that looks most like a real, entertaining show is fake... and the movie that looks so stupid it has to be fake... turns out to be real.

The first time I saw the promo for "Tiny House" I actually thought it looked like a funny show. (Premise: newly married couple has to live in a house where everything from the ceilings to the furniture are about 30% too small.) Then it turned out to be fake, and just a commercial for car insurance.

Then, I was watching something the other day and saw a commercial for a Vin Diesel movie, where he's a Navy SEAL, who ends up having to babysit a bunch of little kids as part of his duties. So stupid that it has to be fake, right? Wrong. It's apparently a real movie.

WTF? How did one of these things get made and the other not?

... and then I found 20 dollars.

My cable went out on Monday night. Frankly, I didn't really give a shit, since I don't watch all that much TV, and what I do watch (Lost, Arrested Development) is on the networks. However, this also meant my cable modem was out, so I'm living without internet access at home. This is not cool.

I recognize that people lived for millenia without internet access anywhere, and I also know that many others still don't have internet access at home. But when you're used to it, it sucks to lose it.

I called the cable company last night to figure out when I might get service back, and they felt they would need to send a technician. But these people are only available during the week, during normal business hours. That's great, except for the fact that I'm not at home at this time... since I'm working.

I called back this morning, and they might have an appointment available this Saturday. Maybe. If I'm lucky.

Considering that I've sent these schmucks more than a thousand dollars over the last year, I would have assumed that they would be falling all over themselves to fix my stuff. Apparently not. Unfortunately, there's no equivalent competitor available (for internet), so I'm pretty much stuck. But I'm not happy about it.

The title comes from my brother's award-winning theory that you can fix any boring or shitty story by tacking that line on the end. You could read the phone book out loud for 20 minutes... but if you end it with "and then I found 20 dollars" it's a good story.

Monday, February 07, 2005

A couple more things...

I forgot to mention how bad...

... Donovan McNabb was. For someone who ended up with pretty good numbers, he played a terrible game. If he could hit an open receiver rather than throwing a bounce pass, the Eagles probably win.

... Freddie Mitchell was. Step 1: Run mouth. Step 2: Catch one pass. Step 3 (hopefully): Die.

... the Eagles' clock management was. A lot has been written about this, but when my mother calls during the game to ask, "what are they doing???" you know a team is messing things up in a big way. If they scored that touchdown with 2:15 left instead of 1:45 (just throw a pass toward the sidelines once, or go no-huddle for one play) they don't have to kick it onside, and they probably get the ball back with an extra minute on the clock and field position about 30 yards closer to field goal range. Then, Westbrook catches that pass for no gain, killing 30 seconds. They couldn't have fucked that up more if they tried. If I was an Eagles fan, I'd be ready to kill someone.

... it sucks to be an Eagles fan. Your team hasn't won a championship in what... 40 years? Your biggest rivals have all won multiple championships (Giants 2, Redskins 3, Cowboys... umm... 3 or 4) and all the other teams in your city suck ass too. Plus your city is a shithole. No wonder they're all assholes.

... the commercials were. There were only two or three that were semi-clever. The Diet Pepsi one with P. Diddy driving the truck made me laugh the first time, but the second time they showed it, it was lame (no staying power). The Mama's Boy doll was okay. The one with Burt Reynolds getting kicked in the nuts was all right. Everyone else was just trying too hard. $2.5 million for a 30-second spot, and you just end up with M.C. Hammer getting thrown over a fence or the painfully lame "Lincoln french fry" thing. Awful.

I'm probably forgetting more stuff. Whatever.

Super? Meh....

Over the last couple years, I've found it harder and harder to watch the Super Bowl on TV.

I still care about the game, but I just can't deal with all the horse shit hoopla surrounding the stupid thing.

Six-hour pregame show? The endless "countdown to kickoff" (team introduction/anthem/flyover/coin flip/etc)? The hype over the commercials? The cameras in the pylons, the hash mark, up Terrell Owens' ass? Two sideline reporters? Fuck all that noise.

If the NFL really knows its core audience, they'll launch a "Super Bowl for men" channel next year.

Just show the game like a normal regular season game. Give us regular announcers (not the A-team, which usually is much worse than a lot of the less-hyped groups around), no sideline reporters (who add absolutely nothing, ever), the regular camera angles (no spinning cameras on top of the field), no fucking Beatles during halftime (just show me the highlights and maybe give me some analysis) and just regular commercials. I want to be able to fast-forward through the commercials with my TiVo without having everyone around screaming at me.

I want to watch the game, not an endless parade of horseshit and hype. And I definitely don't need to hear some announcer blowing Terrell Owens "he's definitely making a difference already!" when he has two catches for 16 yards. I don't even need the announcers really-- just give me the stadium PA guy to tell me how long the last play was.

The only major TV development over the last 20 years that's meant a damn was the creation of the yellow first-down line. Everything else is meaningless.

Dear NFL, at least think about this.
Sincerely, Me.

Okay... one last thing. Have you enjoyed listening to people whine about Jacksonville sucked this week? How it was too chilly, there wasn't enough to do, and it was tough to get around? If so... you are going to LOVE next January.

The Super Bowl is in Detroit. That means you need to get ready for temperatures in the 20s (if it's in the 30s, it's raining), shitty pothole-riddled roads, a downtown that's deader than disco, almost NO downtown hotels, high crime rates, and a city that's nearly bankrupt.

The city promised the NFL to build thousands more hotel rooms. Right now, the projects are so far behind schedule, there's no way they'll get close to being finished.

This is going to be the Super Bowl catastrophe to end all other Super Bowl catastrophes.

Everyone here is talking about how this is going to be an event to make the city of Detroit sparkle in the national spotlight.

This is going to be a significant humiliation, even for a city that has made a 40-year habit of embarassing itself. Hell, the city's mayor didn't even show up for the official "handoff" ceremony from Jacksonville officials to Detroit officials this week.

When the NFL was in Detroit for the "Freedom Festival Fireworks" last summer, the city promised to show them how well they ran a major event. Then, some guy pulled out a gun and shot 9 people in the crowd. I swear to God, this actually happened. The cops arrested someone a day later... and it turned out months later that they just railroaded him (he was released later) to make themselves look good. The real shooter is still loose.

I mean... you have no idea how bad this is going to be.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Sorry to ruin the surprise for you...

Some Super Bowl predictions...

Terrell Owens: 3 catches, 46 yards, 0 TD.
Donovan McNabb: 218 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT.
Tom Brady: 235 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT.
Corey Dillon: 24 rushes, 104 yards, 2 TDs.

Patriots 27, Eagles 13

MVP: Tom Brady
Guy who should be MVP: Corey Dillon

Number of really funny commercials: 3
Number of somewhat amusing commercials: 8

Rating of halftime show (out of 5): 2

Year when Giants will be back in Super Bowl: 2011
Year when Browns will first make Super Bowl: 2014
Year when Cardinals will first make Super Bowl: 2038

Saturday, February 05, 2005

clap clap clapclapclap...

72-46.

37-21.

Just like foot-ball... clap clap clapclapclap...
Just like foot-ball... clap clap clapclapclap...
Just like foot-ball... clap clap clapclapclap...

Friday, February 04, 2005

I don't ask much...

Something has really been bugging me this week. Well... something else, besides the Death Flu.

People keep beating the "Doug Williams Inappropriate Question" thing into the ground.

You've probably seen it about 12,000 places this week, but the one that made me snap came in the Bill Simmons weekly blog entry on Friday afternoon. In his recollections of Super Bowl XXII, he said two things stood out, one being "How does it feel to be a black quarterback, Doug?"

First of all, it was, "How long have you been a black quarterback."

And second of all... listen close... put your ear right up to the monitor... NO IT FUCKING WASN'T!!!

The question was really, "You've obviously always been a black quarterback. When did it start to matter?"

THIS IS NOT THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION!!! REPEAT: THIS IS NOT THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION!!! THE FIRST ONE NEVER HAPPENED. NO ONE ASKED IT! EVER!

But it's gotten repeated and repeated to the point where even the people at Snopes have to be shrugging their shoulders, saying "there's nothing we can do now."

That poor faceless journalist will now spend the rest of his pitiful existence with Mikey and his Pop Rocks. The truth doesn't matter, it's a good story. Except when people repeat it, everyone eventually assumes it's true. Which it isn't. By the way, the actual question is verified here, here, and here.

I just wanted to clear that up.

Update: It turns out that Snopes actually addressed this very issue already. So there.

...and that foot is me.

Dean Wormer died. Well... the guy who played him did, anyway.

I guess that raises only one question: anybody got a chainsaw?

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Eye like that... it's where the money at.

The rapper "Houston" apparently tried to kill himself by gouging his eye out. If you really need more details and a really disturbing picture, you can get them here. Frankly, it sounds a little too weird, unless the guy was seriously doped up on something. I'll believe it for sure when we actually see some confirmation somewhere.

What's the point of all this? A poster named "rickythepenguin" over on Fark had one of the funnier posts I can remember, anticipating how certain comedians would react to this news.

Enjoy!

Jerry Seinfeld: "Whhhhyyyyyyy is the word "gouge" only used with eye? Can you "gouge" your knee out? Elbow? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?"


Jimmy Fallon: "OK. Rapper Houston tries to rap himself -- lemme start over. Ssshh, Tina. Rapper Houston tried to kill himself [laughs]. OK! (Fixes hair). Earlier today, Houston goooged....gowged....Tina how do you pronounce that? Oh crap I ruined the joke. [Gay smile]

Sam Kinison: "OHHHHHH!!! OHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! THAT IS THE WORST SUICIDE METHOD EVER OH OH OH OHHHHHHHHHH!"

Denis Leary: [nervous, spitting out words] "Ok, farking Houston, ok? If you're gonna kill yourself, ok, be a farking man and get a farking GUN, OK? Alright? Do you hear me? OK? Huh? Huh? Yeah? OK?"

Jay Leno: "Tho unh.....didja hear thith, didja hear thith? Tho unh....rappper HOUSTON gouged hith eye out...yeah, yeah. Tho unh, he'th now changing hith rap name to Thyclopth. [raises hands in ""I give up" gesture]"

Bill Simmons: "Houston's eye gouge reminded me of that scene in "Over The Top" when Sly flips his lid backwards to win the Arm-Wrestling Championship and gets his son back. I hate Roger Clemens. Sports Gal loves that scene, as does my Dad. We're talking at least a 10 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale. My dad loves the Patriots."

Dennis Miller: "I haven't seen a suicide attempt that lame since Wink Martindale tried to off himself by OD'ing on Tic-Tacs while reciting THE GREAT GATSBY in the original WELSH while Pat Riley, Bette Davis, and The Great Gazoo were figuring out pi to 900 figures on an ETCH-A-SKETCH, I unnnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [runs hand studiously thru hair]"

Steven Wright: "I ran into rapper Houston the other day................................he said he would keep an eye out for me."

Making the best of a bad situation...

Okay... so I've got the flu. Not just the flu, but a particularly nasty strain of the Martian Death Flu. This is the second day in a row that I've taken off of work.

Just to put that in perspective, I had called in sick once... ever... before this week. Like... going back to my part time job in high school. So it's safe to say that I'm feeling like hammered shit right now.

However, I've made the best possible use of my time; watching old OSU football games. Specifically, the Michigan games from 2004, 2002 and 1997.

Damn... you forget how classic those games were (especially 2002 and 1997). Even this year, Michigan was really in position to win it with under 10 minutes to go before Braylon Edwards dropped that 4th-and-1 pass.

One interesting note; Gary Danielson made essentially the same comment about Edwards in the 2002 and 2004 games. In both cases, it boiled down to, "the knock on Edwards has always been that he makes the tough catch and drops the easy one." He did the same damn thing in both games, dropping a key pass late that would have given Michigan a shot to win.

And he thinks he's the best receiver in Michigan history? Sorry, sunshine... but you can't carry Anthony Carter's jock.

I'm about to pop in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl. OSU is a huge underdog, but I've got a good feeling about this one...

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Random, random, random...

Just when you think you've seen all the random stuff on the internet, someone sends you a link to something like this.

It's SFW in that there's no nudity, but there are suggestions of sexual situations, so if you work for a particularly puritanical company, you might want to wait till you get home.

Some requests that were suggested to me: beer, kiss, banana, fight, take off your top, get naked. These are all SFW.

Others that were also suggested that I can't vouch for: orgasm, kiss, lips, banana, pillow fight, fight, kick, sleep, jiggle, naked, tattoo, topless, jump, pour beer, drink beer, sing, stretch, dance, lick, hummer, wave, tickle, hat, strip, breast, dance on bar, be a pimp, magic, karate, robot, shoes, show me something, spin, read, write, hair, belly, gymnastics, fire, spread, pitcher, kiss me, hand stand, arms, phone number, I love you, laugh.

I'm not sure why someone took the time to put something like this together... but whatever. Now I want a beer.

This also seems like a good time to introduce a new segment I like to call "random thing I saw on the net that made me laugh." I'll come up with a clever name for it later; maybe something with an acronym that spells out something obscene.

There were just a couple things in various Fark threads that made me giggle.





And this one which is NSFW. The fact that they put the girl's name and phone number on there really makes it.

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