Thursday, July 28, 2005

I need to do a little... spring cleaning...

The punchline to one of the greatest Homer Simpson lines of all time doubles as smoooooth transition into this post.

You may have noticed a few changes around here. I spent a while playing around with different templates and decided this one was the one that best fit my ever-changing mood.

Okay, the fact that it's roughly red and gray didn't hurt, especially this time of year.

I also got rid of the rather derivative name that I've been sporting for a while. I thought I ought to get rid of it a year ago, but never got around to it.

In all the excitement (and believe you me, there was a bunch of excitement), somehow I managed to wipe out all the comments you fine folks have left. Sorry 'bout that.

Not that you asked, but...

The college football questions of the day got me thinking this morning, and some of the responses got me pissed, so I'm going to throw my own thoughts out there and you can do with them what you will.

1. Who are your rival(s)?
Let's see... who does Ohio State get fired up to play every year... hmm... I'm going to say Minnesota.

Okay, maybe Michigan, Michigan, Wisconsin (more because of recent struggles and the fact that their fans are assholes than anything historical), Michigan, Penn State, and Michigan.

2. Size up your chances in your rival games this year.
The Bucks don't play Wisconsin (and now it looks like Barry Alvarez is retiring, so that should help in the future) so that's out. The other two (Michigan and PSU) are on the road, so neither is anything close to a sure thing.

I like the fact that the OSU-UM rivalry did a complete 180 when Tressel took over. Now the Bucks come out confident, prepared and ready to kill and it's Michigan's coach who looks lost and perpetually upset on the sidelines. The fact that OSU has throttled superior Michigan teams twice in the last four years (23-0 at the half is flat-out getting your ass kicked) means this is probably at worst 50-50. The fact that it's in Ann Arbor means at best it's 50-50. So I'll say it's 50-50.

As for Penn State, remember the old axiom that you can only "get up" for about three games each year? This is one of Penn State's three. This is not one of OSU's three. PSU has been dogshit the last few years, but this is a dangerous, dangerous game.

3. If you could start up a new rivalry with another team, who would it be?

Off the top of my head, I'd obviously love to see OSU kick the shit out of Notre Dame every year. That's really the only team that makes sense from both a regional standpoint and a "theoretically still relevent nationally" standpoint.

Pitt? No thanks.
Kentucky? No thanks.
West Virginia? Maybe if they put together a string of 10-win seasons for five years or so and really took over the Big East, but it hasn't happened.
Louisville? Maybe if they show that they can compete on the BCS level on a consistent basis.

Really, I think you need to go outside the region. In no particular order, I'd love to see home-and-home series with: Oklahoma, Nebraska, Southern Cal, Miami (FL), Florida, Tennessee and Florida State. If there was a way to get some of those southern boys up in the Horseshoe late in the season, that would be awesome. But it probably won't ever happen.

4. Overall, what do you think the best rivalry in college football is?

The question stipulated that you can't pick one involving your team, but really there's only one answer to this question.

However, to follow the rules, I will say that Army/Navy is incredible to see in person (I've been to two of them).

I really like the atmosphere at the games where it's 50/50 (Georgia/Florida, Texas/Oklahoma), but I guess that really wasn't the question.

I guess Notre Dame-Michigan is the only game that makes me say "I really want to see that game" every year.

Alabama/Auburn, Florida/FSU, USC/ND, etc just don't have that annual pull.

5. Lastly, game trophies. What are the best and worst rivalry trophies out there?
Best: The Axe (Wisconsin/Minnesota) is sweet. I like the Old Oaken Bucket (Indiana/Purdue) too, just for the fact that they put a new I or P link on a chain to show which team won.
Worst: The Paul Bunyan Trophy (UM/MSU) is pretty bad. There are some really crappy ones around including a shovel (UTEP-NMSU), a boot (BYU-Utah), and an egg (Ole Miss/Miss. State)

I've seen a bunch of Michigan fans calling OSU a penal institution and ripping Tressel for not punishing guys, putting winning ahead of anything else, blahblahblah.

The tone is generally reminiscent of someone who does the "LOL LOL!!!111!!" thing. Just a reminder...

Like... remember the time one of the Buckeyes got arrested for being a serial flasher around campus? He, like, totally terrorized a bunch of girls and might have to register as a sex offender! LOL!!!!! (Oh, wait... that was Larry Harrison)

Like... and remember that time OSU's all-American corner broke a bottle over some dude's head at a party and the coach said he was totally suspended for months, but when the guy got done picking the glass out of his scalp he didn't press charges and their star only sat out one game against a terrible MAC team and they let him back for the big rivalry game! What a bunch of phonies who only care about winning! (Oh, wait... that was Marlin Jackson)

LOL! And remember the time that offensive lineman got drunk at a bar, pulled out his bird and started whizzing on stuff! And that thug coach let him play in the Rose Bowl!! (Oh, wait... that was Adam Stenavich)

And the Michigan football program is so clean that it squeaks.

Sure, they've had major NCAA violations in baseball and men's basketball, but the highest profile program on campus with the biggest fanbase has never broken one rule. Not just that they haven't gotten caught... they've never broken one rule.

Even the most ardent Michigan fans would have to admit that basic logic would dictate that's not true.

OSU's got the same problems as everyone else, and it's incredibly disingenous to pretend they only happen at certain places.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Ignorance is bliss...

ESPN is asking people to rank the 30 greatest athletes in American history.

The top 10 at the moment are:
1. Michael Jordan
2. Lance Armstrong
3. Muhammed Ali
4. Wayne Gretzky
5. Babe Ruth
6. Tiger Woods
7. Jim Thorpe
8. Jesse Owens
9. Jim Brown
10. Joe Montana

When ESPN did their Sports Century rankings a few years back, they put Thorpe seventh as well. Not to be rude, but if you think there were six better athletes than Jim Thorpe and three better than Jim Brown (including Michael Jordan???) then you're an asshole.

Michael Jordan was a great basketball player. He was a dogshit baseball player and a less-than-professional golfer.

Lance Armstrong rides a bike. He's very good, and an inspiration to cancer survivors across the world. But he just rides a bike.

Tiger Woods? Muhammed Ali? Wayne Gretzky? All very good at one sport.

You could make an argument for Babe Ruth, simply because he was a Hall Of Fame-caliber pitcher on top of being the greatest power hitter of all time, but the other guys can suck it.

Jim Thorpe won Olympic gold medals in the decathalon and pentathalon (meaning he had to do more than just run), was one of the greatest college football players of his time, and played Major League Baseball. Then, there's the chandelier story (look it up sometime).

Jim Brown might have been the single greatest running back in NFL history. Oh, he was also perhaps the greatest lacrosse player of all time as well and the second-leading scorer on his college basketball team.

Both struggled personally after they left the playing field, but that's not part of the criteria.

If you think Michael Jordan (or Armstrong or Gretzky...) was a better athlete than Thorpe or Brown, you're an incredibly short-sighted imbecile. I won't even argue this point.

Monday, July 25, 2005

The waiting game

The big announcement is on hold... again. Not good times.

And to Tony's point, I liked the line and the episode was okay last night, but I wouldn't necessarily have thought to quote it today.

I generally have to watch something a couple times to start quoting it regularly. The first time I see something, I'll laugh, then forget the line because I'm wondering what's going to happen next.

I saw Wedding Crashers last weekend and remember laughing quite a bit, but I couldn't tell you what the funny lines were. I'll probably see it again and then start beating the funny parts into the ground at some point.

Once you see something a couple times, then you know what's going to happen and can concentrate on the lines more. Or something.

Raise your hands...

Mr. Poon makes a fine point about the inanity of some deodorant commercials today.

I don't see anything wrong with it, however.

I like to use one brand on my left armpit, and another on the right. Then, I go about my normal day.

When I get home at night, I go through a complicated ritual involving checking for sweat stains on the outside of my shirt, dabbing my armpits with a paper towel, and sticking my hands in my pits and smelling them Molly Shannon-style.

I tabulate the results, then with great fanfare announce that day's winner. I've got a little gold medal that I hang around the winning stick of deodorant for the night.

The next day, it gets its chance to defend its championship.

I find that not only does it add a little excitement to my morning ritual, but it also keeps both brands "on their toes" and fighting for my well-being at all times.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Mitchell, Ness & Biancalana

A recent post by djl got me thinking about the best jerseys to own.

Every schmuck in America has a LeBron jersey or a Messier jersey or a Nolan Ryan throwback.

You need something unique, obscure, and ideally completely random.

I like his idea of sticking with scrubby middle infielders, but won't limit myself to just them. For example...

Buddy Biancalana: I don't know why, but that name always made me laugh. He was a scrub shortstop on the Royals 1985 World Series team, so you'll get that sweet-ass powder blue color.

Dale Berra: Bonus points for being the super-scrubby son of a Hall of Famer, plus the role in the big cocaine scandal. The only downside is that it's a Yankee jersey (obviously with no name) so you really just look like some mook from Staten Island with a random Yankee jersey. The same goes for Andre Robertson and Butch Wyneger.

Tim Corcoran: If I ever get a Mets throwback, it'll be this guy from 1986. I had a bigger role on that team than he did.

Randy Hunt: Double bonus points for the military-style Coke Bottle glasses.

Steve Nicosia: Big, fat, slow and ugly. Basically, he was exactly like me, except he had a mustache.

Bill Schroeder: Brother had a sweet man-perm back in the day. (Best seen here.) I actually met him a couple years ago in the pressbox at Riverfront Stadium. He was a broadcaster for the Brewers at the time (he might still be).

Ernie Camacho: I mean... look at this dude. If he couldn't pitch is there any doubt that he would have majored in computer science in college, taken a job at Radio Shack after graduation, and joined some "Dungeons and Dragons" league?

Terry Forster: His Baseball Almanac page lists him at 210 lbs, which is probably about right if you left off everything below his waist. Normally, it's laughable to see some sweaty 280 lb dude in the mall wearing a Randy Moss jersey. I think a Forster throwback would be perfect for some skinny dude.

There are others-- Rusty Kuntz, Kurt Bevacqua, Edwin Nunez (Mets jersey only), Bob McClure (Mets jersey only) who deserve consideration as well.

I wonder what mediocre middle infielder from the late-80s Little G will pick. Hmmm...

Hold your breath...

Major announcement coming soon (probably a day or two). Further details as events warrant.

I've basically put my life on hold trying to get this done, thus I've pretty much completely dropped off the face of the earth blog-wise for a couple weeks. Sorry about that.

To answer a couple follow-up questions with which you're almost certainly brimming...

No. (the announcement is not that my wife's not pregnant)

Yes. (I'm still sitting on the microwave a few hours a day to make sure it stays that way)

Okay, maybe a little. (The fact that it makes my special place feel all warm and tingly is nice, too)

Friday, July 15, 2005


The Prison Bitch Name Generator.

Fun for the whole family.

Friday, July 08, 2005

So close, but yet so far...

Based on the fact that I'm starting to get twitchy, waiting for college football to start, I decided to check EA Sports' webpage to find out when the new version of NCAA Football will ship.

Would you believe NEXT WEEK????

Clearly I'm in bad shape because I'm willing to overlook the fact that this year's game doesn't have nearly as many improvements as last year, and also the fact that they put a big douchebag on the cover.

Dear God... will football season ever get here?

Just because the fucker's got a library card, doesn't make him yoda...

You owe it to yourself to watch this as well as any number of other links on that same page.

May I suggest dude runs straight into a sign, the always popular reporter falls grape-stomping, and a midget takes on a bull. All are safe for work, at least in that there's no nudity.

There's also a bunch of solid Family Guy, Chapelle's Show, and even a Simpsons clip or two.

Good for killing time.

A little of this, a little of that...

The NHL might be close to a deal. Maybe not-- it really depends who you ask. I can't wait to see someone calculate whatever the final salary cap will translate to for each team. I have a sneaking suspicion that because fans are pissed off and there's really no TV deal to spreak of, revenues are going to be way, way down and the players could actually end up with less money than they would have if they'd just taken the first offer the owners made (whatever it was) 12 months ago.

If it's even close, then Jeremy Roenick isn't the only imbecile in that union (although he's probably still the biggest).

Incidentally, I've been in sort of a "hockey hibernation" and didn't realize that ESPN had bought its way out of their NHL deal. We've got the CBC up here (Don Cherry. Sweet.) but with only NBC scheduled to televise games nationally, I'm more than a little worried about how difficult it will be to watch playoff hockey this year.

In the spirit of college football time-wasters (which are starting to become a specialty of this site, replacing bad punctuation and stupid/irrelevent posts), may I suggest taking this quiz. It's the "getting a squirming 7-year old into the back of your panel van" of college football quizzes; that is to say "more challenging than you might think."

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The spirit of Jesus compels you to say "Go Bucks"...

I can assure you that this is the only time I can foresee linking to a page with "knowing Christ and making Him known" in the banner, but I found this pretty interesting.

It's the all-time daisy-chain champions of college football.

Between the fact that the actual national champions were also the daisy-chain champions fairly often, and the random teams that were daisy-chain champions (9-4 Purdue in 2003, 7-6 Wisconsin in 2003, 6-6 NC State in 1999, 4-7 Tulsa in 1996, 6-6 Wyoming in 1994, 9-3 Baylor in 1991, 5-6 Southern Miss in 1989, etc.), it makes for a good discussion.

Plus, it was interesting to me that OSU and Michigan traded off the title in 1969, 1972, and 1981.

Plus, I'm about three days from clawing out my own eyes if college football season doesn't hurry it's ass up and get here.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Nice work if you can get it...

Check out this article by Andy Katz of

No, not because he talks about how Thad Matta is turning OSU into one of the best basketball programs this side of the Durham/Chapel Hill metroplex. Okay, maybe a little because of that.

But check out the "reporting" on recruiting. He's just regurgitating the BS rankings and reports of an entirely separate chain of websites. What the hell's the point of that?

I know recruiting is an extremely difficult thing to cover, but you're telling me that of all the people at ESPN, no one can cover college basketball recruiting on a national basis? Give me a freaking break.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Hehheh... hehheh...

She's on the pole. Heh. Hehheh. Yeah.

"It feels very good," said Patrick.

"Sarah's had a pole before so it's not untouched territory."

"What will make a difference is staying up there."

"I've been waiting 14 years and trying my whole life to get to this point... yeah let's do it."

"The first one is always a memorable one."

Plus, the whole thing is funny because we all know that women can't drive. So it works on multiple levels.

Friday, July 01, 2005

I wouldn't say I'm missing it, Bob...

Actual subject line of an e-mail I just receive from Ticketmaster: "Don't miss UT Rockets vs. Western Illinois"

That's right, tickets for the college football opener between Toledo and Western Illinois went on sale this week. Unfortunately, that means I've missed my chance to camp out near the box office and get the best seats in the house. Damn.

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