...and I'm off!

Derby time!

I have so many horses names in my head, I don't know what I'm going to do. I imagine my exchange at the window will be something like:

"uh, er, um, yeah, uh... $20... uh... "
"Sir, I need your horses, we're busy if you can't tell."
"Um... 12, 8, 4 trifecta!"

That will be about the time I realize the 12, 8 and 4 horses are still napping in the stable.

But at least I'll be styling in a pimp hat.

...and down the stretch I come!

The next three days are going to be LONG LONG LONG. The softball season opener tonight, then another softball opener tomorrow (which will already make for sore everything on my body!), with two work shifts and a going away party (if I choose to attend *grin*) thrown in before driving to Indy to get ready to head to the Kentucky Derby EARLY Saturday morning. That will be a very long day in itself, but it will be a blast, I imagine. Its supposed to rain, but hopefully Mother Nature gives me some love for my first Derby experience. A) I don't want the pimp hat to get rain soaked and potentially damaged, and B) I hope to put a days worth of use on my digital camera (for the family, memories of my trip to Churchill Downs... for the guys, memories of my trip to the INFIELD of Churchill Downs. They say its like Woodstock. Hmmm.) That and I need physical proof that I drank a mint julep at the Derby. It seems downright nasty, but I have to do it. Its like green beer on St. Patricks Day.

The next problem is at the Derby itself. I've got an idea who I'm going with on my bets (any input is appreciated), but now I've got these other "contests" coming up. One at work and a few online that I just want to join for the hell of it, but my fear now is if I pick the winner or top three or whatever online and win a t-shirt, but go a different route for some cash at the track, could I live with myself? Probably, but I'd be doing alot of kicking.

Just off the top of my head, my top three (boxed, of course) for the Derby is The Cliff's Edge, Tapit, Read the Footnotes. Other's playing in my head are Smarty Jones and Master David. We'll see what comes out of my mouth come post time.

Oh, and one more note I found today, apparently, Anna Kournikova might be in the market for a new daddy soon.

Ummmm.... dibbs.

...Sundays just got interesting

Disclaimer off the top. This one's about sports.

If there are two NFL teams I can't stand more than anything, its Baltimore and Pittsburgh, hands down. (Don't worry Cincy, if you keep getting your act together down there, I hate you too!)

As of today, two former BG football players are now under NFL contracts, QB Josh Harris and DB Janssen Patton. Harris with Baltimore, Patton with Pittsburgh. I can't hardly root AGAINST these guys, but its going to be really hard to pull for their success with these two particular teams. What makes it even harder is all along, the Browns (the beloved, beloved Browns) were said to be interested in Harris, to the point of a rumored phone call telling him they'd draft him in the third round. Didn't happen, now we get to see him twice a year, potentially calling signals for the despised Ravens. Unfortunately, the success of a QB is usually a direct correlation to the success of his team. Fortunately, Patton can average a billion interceptions a year and the Steelers can still theoretically suck.

And in the meantime, I'm left to hope, pray and beg that Kellen Winslow II isn't nearly the jackass they've (and he's) pegged himself as during his college career.

...when I grow up

Okay, IF I grow up, I realized today that I want to own a company. Not necessarily for the money, or the fame, or the notoriety or anything like that, though. I want to own a company so I can stand in front of 150 or so employees and talk about anything I want, and everyone HAS to listen to me. Of course, I got two trips to the prime rib tray and a pretty solid brownie out of the deal, but I think a third trip would have made it incredibly worthwhile. Oh, I also got to listen to Mike Wendland for an hour or so, and while most of his stuff was TV-related, it looks like his site is worth bookmarking for ANY computer user.

The Browns take Kellen "The Soldier" Winslow in the first round of the NFL Draft. My official response is... eh. I don't have the numbers in front of me, but it seems like the Browns have had 83 tight ends since they returned to the NFL in 1999, and unfortunately, the Winslow pickup means that Michigan man Aaron Shea is likely on his way out. He was a solid performer, but he was much more of a fullback than a TE, and until this offseason, the word "fullback" wasn't in the Browns playbook. Hopefully Winslow is happy with Butch Davis as his coach (Davis recruited him to the U. of Miami), and won't make too many waves with his already legendary "me first" attitude.

Pittsburgh took Miami(OH) QB Ben Roethlisberger in the first round. Good. This means I don't have to stop hating him. However, the draft gods kicked me in the jimmy later in the first round when the Bengals picked up Michigan RB Chris Perry. Now, if he can become the first 2,000 yard rusher on a winless team, I can be happy.

Headed to a baby shower for Little G tomorrow, hopefully his kid can find good use for a flask.

Oh, and I know its been said a million times all over, but on this day where college football players start planning their appearances on MTV Cribs (make sure you have Scarface!), I'd be remiss if I didn't give major props to Pat Tillman. I can't imagine giving up my menial wage to go to war, much less the millions of guaranteed NFL dollars to give his time, effort, energy, and ultimately his life for his country.

...ancient musical secret

This column from today's BG News (published from the third floor of West Hall, on the campus of the beautiful Bowling Green State University) proves one thing...to be a good musician, you need a good organ.

Crude and stretching things a bit, but they said it, not me.

...my pimp hand is way strong

It didn't take long after finding out that guys can wear funky hats at the Kentucky Derby, too, to pick out my desired haberdashery (50 cent word, btw). Now all I need is somewhere to find a big, obnoxious purple feather.



And since one day in May wasn't necessarily justification enough to buy a gaudy purple pimp hat (seen here courtesy of Garment District), I've decided to call this my "Official May Party and Tailgate Hat", with appearances at both the Kentucky Derby *AND* Indy 500 in May, plus potential random appearances around Columbus in May and throughout the summer. If only I can get that feather!

Non-pimp related thoughts:

--I wonder if Wal-Mart is hiring.
--Since when did today's primadonna attitude of professional athletes start to affect the "stars" of yesteryear?
--I know its only been three straight days with steady rain in the afternoon, but there has to be a reason why animals are pairing up on my lawn.
--Soon to make an appearance on my blogroll, I think: This guy.
--If only I were 29 1/2 years younger, I'd beat up this kid. Okay, maybe not beat him up, but I'd take away his graham crackers and tell his dad to A) get a job, and B) if you're gonna spring for a domain name, at least lose the AOL address. Geez, spiff it up and go with Yahoo, at least! Besides, this kid doesn't have his picture taken with Ozzie Smith, does he?
--Just like we're a few heartbeats away from "President Condoleezza" (which, I actually don't remember how that chain of command goes, after the Speaker of the house in the three-hole, ol' Condy might have to Columbine the Senate a little to get the top spot), we're a win or two away from returning the phrase "first place Texas Rangers" to your vocabulary. For the first time since I lived in a college town, the Rangers are... wait, I still live in a college town. Scratch that. And Chan Ho Park got the start today. I think we'll hold off on the "2004 AL West Champs" t-shirts.
--Special thanks to Kurt who pointed me to ESPN Classic today, just in time for me to watch Russ Courtnall score the weakest game winning goal in NHL Playoff history to beat the Whale in double overtime in 1992. It was a Sunday night, the game got over sometime between 11:50 and midnight EDT, because my sorry ass had to work. Incidentally, that would be the last playoff game the Hartford Whalers ever played. At least they went out in the lime green!

...Louisiana is the Pelican State

The AMC Network isn't just for your grandparents anymore. Last night they went back and forth for 8 hours with "Fletch Lives" and "History of the World, Part I". As far as sequels go, "Fletch Lives" really ranks as one of the best. I think it gets a bit of a bad rap (at least in my own mind) because the original is so damn good, but especially when compared to the crap that followed "Caddyshack", "Major League" and "Slap Shot", its good stuff. And "History of the World" just speaks for its self, Honkus.

From the "Totally Random Thought That Turns Into A Great Work-Around To Satisfy Tom's Mike Danton Fetish" Department, I was watching "Two and a Half Men" last night, and thought the psychologist looked a bit like the mom from "Webster" (Susan Clark, as I later found out, you know her as "Ma'am" or "Katherine"). So today, I looked it up, found out I was wrong, but discovered something truly interesting: Ma'am and George are married! Not only that, but they were married for 3 years before "Webster" started. Wow. Now I just wonder if they really have a secret hideout clock in their home. Okay, but to twist this around, just for Tom, in addition to his roles in "Webster", "Porky's", "Blazing Saddles" and "Paper Lion" (as himself), he also appeared in a 1995 television program titled "Fudge-A-Mania". No word on if Mike Danton co-starred.
Speaking of Danton, all signs (and some direct quotes) show that this is going to be one messed-up story. Stay tuned.

...see my vest?

I don't own a dog, in fact, I haven't had a dog since my parents killed mine 7 or so years ago. (No matter what they tell you, she wasn't 18 years old, blind and deaf with a bladder the size of a nickel! Okay, maybe just a little bit.) So anyway, I checked my site stats today, and get the usual stack of hits from Blogger Forum, and the normal series of one or two hits each from the few blogs out there that have me linked. But what surprised me was the 25 hits from JustGreyhounds.com. I thought maybe there was an accidental link in there or something, but none that I can find. I'm confused.

But I also found out this interesting tidbit:

The procedure to inseminate a bitch with frozen semen is $350. This fee includes progestrone testing and kennelling. Veterinarian Dr. John Katakasi is currently achieving a 94% success rate in inseminating bitches with frozen semen. The resultant average litter size is 7.5 pups.

Amazing. Popsicle anyone?

...some kids are just more popular

Remember a few months ago when I tried to get people to send me pictures or whatever of "have you met tony?" written anywhere? Remember how it failed miserably? Yeah, of course you don't. Anyway, I've added a new blog to my roll, and this guy has friends. Or at least suckers that read his site. Its actually pretty cool, and I'm jealous. He somehow got (at the time of this entry) 25 or so people to send him pictures, and now he knows how hideous...err, what his readers look like. Be warned, but check it out.

Now, I don't want to steal anyone's idea, but I certainly won't discourage readers from emailing me pics of themselves, you know, just for scientific reasons.

Moving on. I learned two things this weekend. One is that the words "rollerblading" and "eight miles" don't go over so well with my muscles. The other is that the day after rollerblading 8 miles, if you play tennis for any length of time, said muscles will hate your ass the following day. Today I'm about to learn why its a bad idea to try to golf after your body already hates you. Stay tuned.

Oh, and I'd also be horribly remiss if I didn't pass along what I found out last Wednesday, from a random, and as yet unidentified "secret admirer":

"i just wanted to say that you absolutely rock. you are cracking me up. in a good way."

Of course I knew that already, just wanted to remind you all. (And no, I don't *always* copy and paste lines from my IM conversations... just the good ones that benefit me.)

...Tony no function beer well without

I've never really missed beer before, until this week. I've found myself having a couple conversations about how its been awhile since I've had a beer, and then I even had a telemarketer call and rub it in. I get this call about a "beverage survey", which I figure if it could result in free beverage, then why not? Until they try to sell me a toaster, of course. One of the questions was, "Have you had a beer in the past week?". It almost hurt me to say no. Do you think the woman on the phone would feel my pain if I broke down into tears after she asked that question? Probably not. But regardless, it got me to thinking of when the last time I really did have a beer was. I think it was the couple beers I had at Pete's place almost two weeks ago (whenever the national championship game was, was it REALLY that long ago? damn! Wait, that can't be right... hmmm... now I'm confused). I guess it comes down to the fact that I need a beer. There are tentative plans to do so on Monday, but that's a whole weekend away. Hell, I've even gone to TWO baseball games without having a beer! Someone check me for a pulse, please.

In my non-beer drinking stage, I've managed to pay a sliver of attention to Comedy Central's "100 Best Stand Ups Ever". It sucks. First of all, Judy Gold is about as annoying as they come (and stand up comedians are an annoying breed to begin with). But then they go and put Dave Chappelle somewhere in the 50's or 60's? Please! Of course, if they could have come up with 50 or 60 solid stand ups to put in front of him, that's one thing. But then they get to Jon Stewart. "The Daily Show" is funny, but A) it wasn't his idea, B) its not stand up comedy (though his gaggle of scriptwriters would beg to differ, I'm sure) and C) anytime you have a bit part/cameo in another standup's movie, they win. (Have you ever watched "The Daily Show".... on weed?) I meant to compare and contrast more comedians on the list, but my ADD kicked in, and last time I checked, Comedy Central doesn't have the full list anywhere.

Speaking of stand up comedy, reading this piece of all-nighter hilarity, I was reminded of this one from comedian Larry Miller. One of the funniest bits I can remember, ever.

I'm really lucky I've decided not to write about people I work with. Otherwise, this site would not stay PG-rated for very long.

This year's "Oh my god, did he just say that?" comment of the year award goes to Cleveland Cavs play-by-play man, and all around chodesmoker, Michael Reghi. The fact that this man has been annoying for well over a decade makes this line all that more amusing. During the late stages of the Cavs season ending game at New York, LeBron James finishes off a breakaway with a dunk, to which Reghi utters:

"Flight 23, take off and landing in midtown Manhattan."

Ouch. Condoleezza Rice has no comment.

...she's a man, man!

Funniest thing I think I've heard on TV since Sunday's Simpsons:

Tonight's 8pm Law & Order on TNT, Angie Harmon actually uttered the line: "Gentlemen, could we try to cut back on some of the testosterone, please?" Don't get me wrong, I'm still angling for the Harmon-Rohm sandwich, but that cracked me up.

BTW, if you didn't laugh at Homer's "Inseminate myself?" line Sunday, you need your funny bone checked out.

...Take me out to the BRRRRR!

Contrary to popular belief, it is absolutely NOT baseball season. At least it wasn't this past week, when I made it to two "Opening Days", the combined late-inning temperature of those games was about 85 degrees. COMBINED! And that's figuring that the Clippers game might have been hovering around 50. Regardless, its a day at the ballpark and a good time, once everything thawed out. Fortunately, this weekend is going to be in the 70's, which is nice, but if you think for one second that I'm going to give in and take this plastic off the windows, you're nuts. April in Ohio means we probably have another snowfall yet to come. Of course, this also means that its getting past the time of year where getting out golfing means that 50 is too cold, where two weeks ago, it would have meant "grab a pair and tee 'em up"!!!

Ah, ya gotta love the changing of the seasons...

...Juuuu-liooooooo!

In light of his bases loaded double last night against the Cubs, I found this fun nugget about Julio Franco.

Now I just wish he didn't have to help the Braves to do well for himself.

...return of the five

Friday's Five has become Saturday's Five, but if they're going to take two weeks off, I can certainly slack for a day.

1. What do you do for a living? Compile video for a major midwestern media corporation. (Impressed? It sounds so much better than saying I'm a TV news editor.) I also produce a TV show and act as a cable monkey for some extra scratch on the side.

2. What do you like most about your job? Besides every other Friday and lunch breaks? Hmmm... every once in awhile it lets me be hella creative, which is fun, and just recently I wound up with basically a 3 day weekend every week, which sucks ALOT less than I figured it would.

3. What do you like least about your job? Being at work at 2am everyday. Watching the same boring news video every day. Shooting here, robbery there, throw in the war, some pedophile priests and a kitten in a tree, and you've pretty much summed up my day.

4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____... ...of the morons I work with did something stupid.(aside from Nicole, Tammy, Chuck, and... um, I think they're the only ones that know about this site, and they're the best co-workers anyone could ever ask for!)

5. What other career(s) are you interested in? I still (STILL) want to kick myself in the rear and learn more web design, if not to make a career out of it, then to pull in a little extra cash or hell, even just the experience. And I've often wondered how much the guy that polishes the stripper's pole gets paid.

So there ya have it. Back on track. Is 7am too early for beer?

...Vegas?

Thanks to my good friend Kurt, I've now got the Vegas itch.

I've been there once, had a great time, but am now left with that "Wow, what if I would have known to do this?" Or "What if we would have thought of doing that?" I could be a mess.

The thing is, I have the reason to go, it would pretty much come down to airfare, time off work, splitting a hotel anywhere from 4 to 8 ways and gambling money. Unfortunately, that one's the catch.

Some day I'll make it back, and this time I'm getting me one of those t-shirts!

...when testifying goes horribly wrong

I still don't know what to make of the current administration's witchhunt that's going on with the 9-11 commission hearings in Washington, but if Condoleezza (with two z's, amazingly!) Rice is going to take up three hours of prime early morning television, she could have at least spiced it up a little. Actually, part of me was honestly waiting towards the end of the proceedings, after answering the question, "Why didn't we prevent 9-11?" for the 4 billionth time, for her to start answering with anything that comes to her mind.

-"I missed that meeting because my alarm clock was flashing '12:00'."
-"I'm sorry, I thought you said SEVEN-Eleven, and frankly, the thought of preventing Slurpees from the world disturbs me."
-"Does anyone have a Cubs score?"
-"We would have prevented it...if Batman would have returned our calls!"
-"I was preoccupied with the NY Times crossword puzzle. Does anyone know a 5-letter word for '____ bin Laden'?"

See the possibilities are endless! Actually, I figured at some point she'd let out a deep sigh, and let loose with "Mr. Chairman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to respectfully ask you to go screw yourself."

...blind squirrels and nuts

Three and two-thirds innings pitched and the Rangers' bullpen actually resembled something competent. Amazing. Of course, the defense did all they could to let the first win of the season wait a few more days, but the point is, they didn't get swept (which could have been VERY easy to do at Oakland, facing Hudson, Mulder and Zito), and more importantly, you, the non-sports-minded masses don't have to listen to me grumble about how long they go without winning a game. But I'm done. Now I can go on living, knowing that they suck, but won't go winless this year. It might be close, but it isn't going to happen.

The master golf plan for the week might have been hit a snag. Originally, I thought it was going to be 65 and sunny both yesterday AND today, now they're talking about rain today, too. Damn.

When they say the national average gas price is $1.75 a gallon, do they mean its really $1.75.9? Or $1.74.9? And where does the .9 come from anyway? (I know I've heard the answer somewhere, now I have to go research.)

...the Rangers are still shitty

As promised, and at lightning speed with little or no thought involved, here are my predictions for each division in major league baseball this year. I'll avoid picking individual winners, since I have no clue about individual players, as evidenced by my fantasy team this year.

AL EAST - Damn Yankees. But the Red Sox get a second chance with the wild card berth. This one is the easy one, which means Baltimore will probably finish second, and the AL West will get the wild card.
New York
Boston
Toronto
Baltimore
Tampa Bay

AL CENTRAL - KC and Minnesota will fight it out as "above decent", the rest will be fighting for 70 wins.
Kansas City
Minnesota
Cleveland
Detroit
Chicago

AL WEST - The top three in this division will be insanely close (I'd say within 7 games), but only one will get a post season spot.
Anaheim
Oakland
Seattle
Texas

NL EAST - I think the Braves have finally lost enough to not compete like they used to. Though they still have the big bats and possibly "enough" pitching to get them into second place and a possible wild card. But don't bet on it.
Philadelphia
Florida
Atlanta
Montreal
New York

NL CENTRAL - A dog fight much like the AL WEST, but with better teams. One of the top three will fall off at some point, but second place wraps up the wild card. Pittsburgh and Cincinnati battle the White Sox, Tigers and Rangers for the 110 loss season.
Houston
Chicago
St. Louis
Milwaukee
Pittsburgh
Cincinnati

NL WEST - I honestly have no idea, but unless steroids cause Barry Bonds' bones and muscle structure to turn to ashes midseason, he'll get his 50 homers, 200 walks, everyone will fall in love with him and the Giants will win the West, only to lose in the first round.
San Francisco
San Diego
Los Angeles
Arizona
Colorado

NL Playoffs
Phillies over Cubs, Astros over Giants
Astros over Phillies

AL Playoffs
Yankees over KC, Anaheim over Red Sox
Yankees over Anaheim

World Series - Astros in 7, Clemens throws no broken bats at his former teammates, but he and Pettitte are seen to moon the Yankees dugout during postgame celebrations.

...It's 3:45.. no, wait a minute... Its 4:45... hell, I don't know

I don't have a problem with daylight savings time. Really, I don't, it lets me golf later in the evenings, and I'm up well before the sunrises anyway, so that doesn't matter to me, but try driving to Indiana, the black hole of daylight savings time within hours of having to set clocks back/forward. Its messed up. How messed up is it? Radio stations in Indy have to run full-length commercials explaining how EVERY show on their air is on an hour later or earlier or whatever. When it comes to that, its time to kick the farmers to the curb and go with the flow. Oh, but somehow, all the TV shows are on at the same time as the east coast. Its ass-backwardness personified.

Even if the National Championship game last night would have been interesting, the best part still would have been the guy in the Hartford Whalers jersey sitting in the upper deck. As I said last night, its one thing to say "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to wear the Whale jersey to the basketball game?" But when the game is however many miles and a 4 or so hour flight away, and you STILL pack the hockey jersey? That's solid.

Baseball season is in full swing. Texas takes a 4-3 lead on a homer from Mark "The Stud" Texeira (Who should really be called "Mark 'there are more e's and i's in my last name than you're ever going to guess and you don't really pronounce the X like an X, so give it up right now' Texeira"), then they go to the bullpen and HERE COME THE PRETZELS! Lets do some math. Last year, Texas pitchers appeared in 1,433 1/3 innings of baseball. Last night, with two outs in the 8th, Texas pitching blew their first (of presumably many) leads this year. So, with 0.53% (that's 53 ten-thousandths and change) of the season gone, and already the season is lost. There is no righting this ship. In my forthcoming random predicitons, I was going to say Texas would at least finish within 25 games of first (22 to be exact). Nope. Unless the top 3 in the AL West do an unbelievable job of beating the crap out of each other, the Rangers will finish no better than 37 games out of the top spot. When does football season start?

Early call to win the Masters this week: Davis Love III

...We're #66!

Actually, that joke about the NIT probably isn't all that true. Considering there are at least 15 conferences that get bids to the NCAA tournament that wouldn't make the NIT if they paid their own bus fare, and I would guess another 15 or so schools that get in for having a decent record in a decent, but not overpowering, conference. Regardless, Michigan is the NIT champion, and, unless things change 3 or 4 years from now, you can't take that away from them (as long as Ed Martin stays dead, at least). Sure, I can't wait for the year the Maize and Blue works their way back into the Big Dance, but after all that's gone down in the last 5 years, this is a great step. Sanctions, crappy recruiting (who's idea was it to bring 5'1" Avery Queen to Ann Arbor, and did he pay his own bus fare?) and just general bad play brought a once proud program to the lowest of lows, and this NIT title is more than a solid start on the road back. With all the youth on this team, to win a string of games in a "one and done" setting and take home some hardware is good. Granted, Oklahoma, Hawaii and Rutgers isn't exactly like running through Duke, Stanford and Kentucky for a title, but I'll take it. Now if the hoops gods can only find a way to get Bowling Green some time in the postseason, I'll be set.

Still waiting on a Friday Five, so I think I'll once again dip into the archives. Mr. Peabody, set the wayback machine for April 4, 2003, please...

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life? 9. Four years in a house with a big staircase in Tiffin, OH, then on to the outskirts of Toledo. Add in 3 dorm rooms and a solid 5-man party, err, ACADEMIC house in Bowling Green to get to six, then three apartments in very different areas of Columbus. And I'm not done yet!

2. Which was your favorite and why? The house in college was cool, because it was just that, college. It was big, had a great porch, a good crowd-friendly basement, and was a 2 block walk to the bars (easy access when the snow came up to your shins!). Oh, the 10 minute walk to campus wasn't bad, either. Second favorite might have to be the place I'm at now, aside from various heating issues.

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why? Exciting. For at least 2 days, everything's neat and clean, there are no dishes in the sink or piles of paperwork. Then you have to eat dinner and unpack the paperwork, and its just a place to live from then on. Finding out fun new things about the area is cool, too. Unless those new things involve a crack den in your neighbors guest bedroom. I don't think that's ever happened to me, though.

4. What's more important, location or price? Good location at a decent price. I actually bumped my price window up a bit to get the location I'm at now, but I didn't go crazy.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)? Dream house? I'm working on a FIRST house first. But I'd have to say a good sized "guys room", probably a pool, a big enough yard to convert it into a wiffle ball field, then maybe an indoor arena of some sort for basketball, hockey, whatever. Is that dreaming too much?

...life imitates police dramas

in the first 3 minutes of Law & Order today, I realized 3 things...

1) The "sound" between scenes sounds REALLY FREAKING COOL with surround sound.
2) Maybe they do it for L&O newbies (of which I am no longer one, thankyouverymuch!), but does EVERY non-robbery episode have to include the scene of one detective opening a wallet and saying, "Money in the wallet, so we know it's not robbery."?
3)I really, really want my own straight man. Even if the lines aren't all that great, I still want someone there where I can rip off a quick one-liner before a shot of the nighttime skyline fades into view. Something like this:

Me: Nice car that guy's driving with the naked girl in the passenger seat.
Straight Man: Ah yeah, a '68 Mustang. Great ride.
Me: It looks like that cowboy likes his ponies bareback.... (fade out, cue skyline... )

Of course, I also wouldn't mind being part of an Angie Harmon-Elizabeth Rohm sandwich, but only if neither one talks. *shudder*