...I saw you and him walking in the rain...

After a lengthy discussion with Grant, I've confirmed that this is the greatest second half of a song ever. The only debate now is if the lyrics should say "corn flakes without the milk", or the more appropriate "corn flake" (singular) that is actually said in the song.

Oh yeah, and Playboy's Miss November 2004 likes brown and orange. GO BG!

...so the monkey jumped up on the bar...

First, apologies to Tom for stealing his title idea without a mashed potato reference to go along with it. In fact, I don't think I've had mashed potatoes in months, even.

Last night, in my haste to re-post, I forgot two things that really, really, really pissed me off on the drive home. Maybe not pissed me off, but made me think enough about how annoying people are.

First was some guy on the radio, a news reporter, who was referring to the year 2000 in his report. Now, I know when *I* refer to the year 2000, and I assume when every normal, God-fearing person on earth refers to the year 2000, they think of it as "year two-thousand". Am I right?

Not this douche bag. His line was something like, "blah, blah, blah... since the year twenty-hundred... blah, blah, blah". TWENTY-HUNDRED? Are you freaking kidding me? I know that in comparison to say, the year 1700, or 1800, or 1200 even, it could be "twenty-hundred". But its not. Do you look at a check and say, "Oh, I just got a check for twenty-hundred dollars!"??? No! You got a check for TWO-THOUSAND dollars. Just like you get a check for fifteen-hundred dollars, not "one thousand, five hundred" dollars. Does it make you feel more educated to say "twenty-hundred"? I hope not, because you still sound like a 50 year old man who's giving the news on an AM network station at 1 AM.

It reminds me of the time I heard this guy that anchored at the first station I worked at. And, knowing he really WAS a complete jerkoff (along with his complete jerkoff wife), I shouldn't have been surprised when I heard the way he read a zip code on air. The zip code of the station was 43215. Or, in speaking terms, four-three-two-one-five. Right? Because that's how we read zip codes in this country. Not this dye-job. It was "Forty three, twenty one...five." Just like that, too. My jaw dropped. Don't these people know that you sound like an ignorant jackass while you're trying to be trendy? I guess not. Of course, this is the same guy who, while making six figures easy, reportedly got his gray spot dyed at Fiesta Hair and Tanning. Yeah, the same place that I would get my hair cut, but only when they had a "$6.99" sale, since I made about $7.50 an hour, he would go for a dye job. But he would make them open the back door for him, and do the dye job in the back so no one would see that he dyed his hair. Nevermind the day when the large gray patch on his temple magically disappeared.

Wow, that was more spirited than I thought it would be. Almost makes me wonder how I'll end up going off on the next point. Parking lots.

Maybe I'm the anal-retentive one when it comes to parking, but if I'm going to park, especially at my apartment complex, I'm going to make sure I stay inside the lines. If I think I might be a little close to one line or the other, I'll make a judgement call. If I look down and realize my WHOLE BACK WHEEL IS OVER THE LINE AND INTO THE NEXT SPACE, I'm moving the damn car! I don't know if the one I saw last night was forced into the other space by the car next to it, but I don't think so. Take the time to back up and try it again. Unless you're giving birth, or have just lost a limb in a horrifying seatbelt accident (and I didn't notice any blood trails or spare placentas around), MOVE YOUR DAMN CAR!

(Tomorrow, why people with 16 items in the 15 items or less line need to be castrated.)

...if I'd known it was THAT kind of party

I always told myself I would never be one of those to worry about "neglecting" my site. I don't know if I'd call it "neglect", but I've sat down for 3 nights in a row now and come up empty. I think part of it is the downtime at work spent staring into a computer screen, yet for the aforementioned "should I blog at work" and "I don't want any more co-workers knowing about this site" reasons, I stay away from posting until I get home. By then, its PS2, Family Guy, bed. Healthy, I know, but for some reason I just haven't been up to posting. From the looks of my comments, I can tell I've been missed.

Anyway, without further adieu, worthless bits of randomness:

-The Expos are officially (?) moving to Washington. Dan is taking it pretty hard, and looking at it from the "baseball purist" point of view that I'm sure he looks at it from, its a pretty shitty deal. Being a veteran of two franchise moves of my favorite teams, I can only imagine what the true blue (Labatt Blue, to be exact) Expos fans are going through.

Ironically, Wednesday (or maybe it was Thursday) is the anniversary of the last game played in Washington D.C. 33 years ago. And, on Wednesday, the Texas Rangers (where the Washington Senators moved to in 1971) were eliminated from the playoffs. I had the math all figured out for the weekend, they needed to win their last 5, have Oakland lose their one of their next two, then get swept by Anaheim to put Texas in a one-game playoff. Oakland lost, Texas blew a 9th inning lead and lost in extra innings. Its funny how your expectations for a team you figured would finish dead last change when they spend some time in first place. And every time I counted them out, they made a charge and came back. Less than a week to go in the season and they still had hope. Maybe if they find some pitching next year, they'll be dangerous.

-One more baseball note, Julio Franco is hitting .305, and needs 4 hits to have 100 on the season. Just as important, even if he gets no hits in the Braves' last 4 games, as long as he has five or fewer at bats, he'll hit .300 for the year. Either way, his career average will stay at or around .300. You might not be impressed, but I am. At 46 years old (?) he has proven himself to be a valuable asset to a team, not just this year, but likely into next year as well.

-I wonder if this bear is related to this bear?

-Dan has also been kind enough to show off what we pass off as "work" each night. For those of you wondering about the Reggie Rutland/Cathy Dennis connection, here it is.

-Pete keeps telling everyone not to gamble with his NFL picks. Would someone please start betting with them? Even with a solid 9-5 week, he goes an astonishing 11-3 to win his third straight week, and open up a 4 pick lead on me. Knowing to never pick the Browns again should at least earn me a push through the end of the season.

-Funny, but at my school, they only ever gave us brownies.

-Congrats to Matt and Kim, my cousin (Matt) who got married over the weekend (to Kim). It was a great time, and whoever had the idea to put Labatt on tap, I'm forever indebted to your services. (In fact, I loved it so much that by the end of the night, I poured a full beer out on the table for my dead homies!)

-Finally, while the taste of BG's embarrassing lost has almost subsided (at least until the end of the MAC season when we all realize how big that game really was, and all the BG fans already realized it was HUGE), the road ahead for the Browns is much less attractive. Its so bad, I think the team is looking into buying scalpels and crutches wholesale next season. Fortunately, NFL 2K5 for PS2 has been a great release for the crap the Browns put on the field week in and week out. Of course, coming off a satisfying 60 point win at New Orleans, I promptly lose my starting RB for the year.

Who says video games don't imitate life?

...keep those doggies rollin, rawhide!

With a couple short hours until I bail for the weekend wedding circuit, I *almost* forgot to publish my NFL picks for the "2004 Kick Angry Pete's Ass-A-Thon". So here goes:

Houston at KANSAS CITY - Despite holding out any information on Priest Holmes injury status, and pissing off millions of fantasy football players who bench him during his 121 yard, 3 TD performance, the Chiefs finally break into the win column.

PHILADELPHIA at Detroit - Even playing this one in Detroit, McNabb-to-Owens will remind the Lions that they're still the Lions. (And maybe T.O. will stay in bounds this time.)

BALTIMORE at Cincinnati - In a perfect world, the words "stadium implosion" would appear in Monday morning's game recap.

Arizona at ATLANTA - Going into Atlanta is murderous. Just ask Ray Lewis.

Jacksonville at TENNESSEE - Has Fred Taylor given up yet? (Titans score the most points of any team this week with a 38 point effort.)

New Orleans at ST. LOUIS - I really like N.O. in this one, but its hard to pick against the Rams in the Lou.

CLEVELAND at NY Giants - Since the jinx was disproven last week, the Browns will come out with more fire than a TLC appearance at Andre Rison's house. The losing starts next week.

Chicago at MINNESOTA - Expect the Bears to pull two upsets in a row, much less a decade? I don't think so. Besides, with Mike Brown out, who's going to spark their defense? Hell, who's even ON their defense? (Aside, of course, from Chunky Soup poster boy Brian Urlacher.)

PITTSBURGH at Miami - Pittsburgh doesn't do much for me, except make me want to vomit. But Miami is just that bad.

San Diego at DENVER - High scoring game of the week, but Broncos still pull it out by 17.

San Francisco at SEATTLE - Please, please, please let Shaun Alexander be healthy and score 4 touchdowns. Please?

Green Bay at INDIANAPOLIS - The Pack tries to shake memories of sucky-ness last week against the Bears, while Indy is still pissy about blowing that game in New England. The Colts pissyness beats the Packers' pissyness by 10.

Tampa Bay at OAKLAND - Note to Jon Gruden: Stay away from the folding chairs in the bullpen.

Dallas at WASHINGTON - The Vinny Train starts to come untracked. Clinton Portis is no William Green, which is a good thing for the 'Skins.

And in bonus action, tonight under the lights in DeKalb, IL... Bowling Green 37, NIU 24. (And why is it that every time I picture the field at N. Illinois, I get images of a football field cut out of the corn, like the ball diamond in field of dreams? I don't know where they expect to put all the fans on those rickety homemade bleachers, but it should be a good ball game and a happy bus ride home for the brown and orange.)

...and there was much rejoicing!

Zito. Mulder. Hudson.



All bitches.

All-Star second baseman down. Two relievers suspended, one facing jail time, suitcases half-packed for winter vacation, but now... it's on.

...yes they call him The Streak

So I'm kicking myself for not copying this down, but somehow I had a conversation with Dan earlier that involved the names Cat, Ray and Kevin Stevens, Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, Reggie Jackson (and later Reggie Rutland), Christopher Reeve, Kris Kross (not to be confused with Christopher Cross, but he was involved, too), Funky Winkerbean, Cathy Dennis and Oil Can Boyd, to name a few. It amazed me that knowledge of these people, Google-aided or not, takes up such a prominent part of my brain. I'm also positive that everything I learned in that Poli Sci class at BG is now gone. (I got a D- in that class, so there wasn't much knowledge to be pushed out, fortunately.)

******
Week 2 of the "Battle of the Network Stars" also known as "Tony and Pete's NFL Bitchslapfest" again goes to Pete, but again only by 1 game. He now leads the series 2-0, but the total by 2 games. Its going to be the most hotly contested contest of the fall, stay tuned or join in.

******
Okay, I just noticed that Blogger jacked up my time settings again. Doesn't it know that I'm in the land that time forgot? Although a power outage messed up my answering machine clock today, and reminded me why I'm SO glad I don't have to race around the house changing those times twice a year.

...we'll call them "Reggie"

That's my new nickname for the Browns offense. As in Reggie Miller. As in "nothing but threes". All the promise, hope, optimism, excitement, eagerness for another Sunday and whatnot I felt last weekend as the Browns finished off the Ravens with a flurry of offensive punches that would leave Muhammed Ali shaking in his shoes, is gone. If you can't score a touchdown in the NFL, you have no business showing up. Sick thing is, they almost pulled it out anyway.
No matter what the Browns do for the rest of eternity, they need to sign Phil Dawson to a lifetime contract. I don't care if he's 124 years old, I don't think anyone handles the onside kick better. First it was the "reverse field" onside kick. Then, a couple weeks later, it was the "I'll do it myself up the middle" kick. There have been a few more solid, but not as memorable kicks in between, and today he breaks out the "drop kick onsides kick". Unfortunately this means the Browns try way too many onside kicks, which means they're behind in way too many games, but at least they're close games. And as crappy as they played today, close is a good thing.

Here are some other notes I took while the game was going on:

-Courtney Brown out, is it too late to draft Shaun Alexander?
-Remember last week when Jeff Garcia "silenced his critics" by hitting on the deep ball? The critics can start talking again.
-Nice run by James Jackson, as his "how much money can I make as a free agent while you get nothing while you wonder why you didn't deal me to Miami before the season" victory tour continues.
-Testaverde is putting enough air under his passes to fill the Metrodome, yet no defenders can get position. There's no halo rule, guys, and the WR isn't allowed to call for a fair catch.
-Defense looks pretty good, though just as I figured the offense would click (like they did last week, late in the third), Dallas takes an INT and drives for six.
-If I would have put notes with my predictions, I would have mentioned one name in my Browns pick... Anthony Henry (except that I picked Dallas, of course). Great pick, nice return... and a field goal. Our fourth freakin' field goal.
-Note to self.. pick up this Jason Witten kid for the fantasy team.

It didn't get any better after the game, finding out that Winslow likely has a broken leg, Courtney Brown is going back to being the injured Courtney Brown of, oh, the last 4 years, Gerard "Pocket Change" Warren is hurt too, and the offensive line has already taken a hit as well with a mystery injury to Ryan Tucker. I know that in a sport as violent as football, injuries will happen, but with all the pulls, tears, strains and such that have knocked players out consistently over the 5 years since the Browns have been back, maybe its time to get a new training staff?

One would think the scheduling gods are going to smile on the Browns next week, with a trip to that landfill in New Jersey to play the Giants. Not so much. Somehow the Giants won this week, and it will end up being a battle of 1-1 teams.

First team to 6 is the winner.

...my plan for revenge

Revenge upcoming, in the "NFL Picks" segment of todays broadcast. But first...

I would like to thank former major leaguer (and member of the one-ball club), John Kruk, for basically summing up everything that was on my mind for the recent chair-tossing incident involving the Rangers' bullpen. Until it comes out what was said and how it was said and how often, I don't think either side can be held totally at fault (furniture aside). This guy who's wife got popped said himself that they bought those particular season tickets so they could be close to the game and get on the visiting team's bullpen. I don't think you drop season ticket money on those seats without coming to the game armed with more than "Hey #35, you look fat in those pants!". And if its true that something was said (and repeated time and again) about a personal tragedy in one of the pitchers lives, the commissioner's office should repeal the suspension to that player and hold the jackass fan down for repeated shots to the groin.

Two examples of classic heckles (okay, one is classic in my mind only, though I believe Tom will back me up on it) I've witnessed or come up with:

At an Indianapolis Indians game, 300+ pound former Atlanta Brave Randall Simon swung and missed horribly at a third strike. On his way back to the dugout, one of the college age kids in front of us yelled (from 3 rows back next to the dugout) "Hey Simon, I bet if it was a buffet you wouldn't have missed it!" Or something to that effect. Now this is the same guy that was called a "fat monkey" by former major league reliever and Sons of the Confederate flag-waver John Rocker, so the kids get extra credit for taking the heckle in a totally different direction.

The second came at an MLS soccer game (hey, the ticket was free, or otherwise paid for, the beers were cold and so were the brats!). Sitting at midfield, front row, and whoever the guy was that was playing closest to us was greeted by semi-cordial "hellos" and "nice plays" and such, until I let loose with "You play like your sister... (pause, pause, pause) ...and for half the price!" I looked away to finish a beer, but I guess the heckle was met with a sort of amused smirk across the guy's face. I win. Of course, if the guy's sister really was a high-cost whore, then I could see where he might want to come beat the crap out of me.

Anyway, onto the football...

After a 7-9 debut, I'm only one game back of Pete, who's chilling at 8-8. I had tossed around the idea of making this a challenge to everyone that reads this site and/or is on my blogroll, but I have to beat Pete first. (Though if anyone that reads this site and/or is on my blogroll wants to join the fun, then by all means go ahead! Just drop a comment and point me to your picks!)

This week, I'm going to go without the comments, unless incredibly necessary. I mean, after 16 weeks, how many more ways could I say "Arizona sucks", anyway?

(Once again, team picked is in caps)

San Francisco @ NEW ORLEANS
WASHINGTON @ NY Giants
DENVER @ Jacksonville
Pittsburgh @ BALTIMORE
St. Louis @ ATLANTA
HOUSTON @ Detroit
Chicago @ GREEN BAY
Indianapolis @ TENNESSEE
Carolina @ KANSAS CITY
SEATTLE @ Tampa Bay
Cleveland @ DALLAS - Until the Browns can A) prove that they really can move the ball against a good defense, or B) prove that picking against them really isn't a jinx, I'm picking against them.
Buffalo @ OAKLAND
NEW ENGLAND @ Arizona
NY JETS @ San Diego
Miami @ CINCINNATI
Minnesota @ PHILADELPHIA (high scoring game of the week, 38-27 Philly)

...no runs, no hits, no chairs

Okay, so there were a few runs and a basket full of hits in tonight's Rangers game, but they apparently got the furniture tossing out of the way last night. That move still baffles me. Either some serious 'roids kicked in at that moment, or that fan must have said something REALLY bad. Like not just telling a guy what he's going to do to his mother, but when he's going to do it, where, for how long, and what direction he'll have her pointing when he's done.

Anyway, it was good to see Texas get a win tonight. Unfortunately, instead of 3 back with two more games left in this series, they're five back, sitting in the same spot they were before anyone forgot to nail down the folding chairs on Monday night. Though the next couple weeks are like an AL West-a-thon, so while I'm sticking true to my gloomy outlook for playoff possibilities, getting hot now could do magical things.

Speaking of magic, I was horribly remiss in letting the Browns game Sunday get limited to one line about their undefeated status (even though they ARE undefeated, of course!). Scary thing is, it could go on for a few weeks. With games at Dallas and at the Giants, neither team showed much in the way of teeth the first week, and Dallas' strong point is their defense, but its not quite the Ravens' "D" that the Browns found a way to pick apart late. And the Giants are, well, the Giants. According to the ESPN Power Rankings (which were pointed out to us a few weeks ago), the Giants are now relying on only the Arizona Cardinals for support in the bottom of the rankings. (Here's where I'd like to point out two things from my Week 1 predictions. A) Arizona does suck, and B) KC vs. Denver was the highest scoring game of the weekend. I just missed the score and winning team by a smidge, that's all.)

After the Giants game comes Washington for the Browns, who always seems to disappoint, though also seems to be a darkhorse favorite to do big things every year. That one could be a toss up. Then again, as a lifelong Browns fan, I know everything's a toss up. Just as easily as they could be (gasp!) 4-0, they could be 1-3 and have Bootch scrambling for answers from his hot seat.

...juuuust a bit outside.

I knew there was something I needed to write about this morning. Thankfully, Tom came out of his shell/closet and reminded me of this gem.

Now, I could go on and on about how players have to turn the other cheek, or fans don't have the right to be jackasses just because they buy a ticket (though a good heckle is ALWAYS appreciated). But all I'll say is this... seeing how its the Rangers bullpen doing the throwing, I'm just impressed Francisco didn't bounce the chair in the dirt.

Seriously. I counted the Rangers out weeks ago (I swore I wrote about it, but it must have been an illusion), but this series at Oakland was a chance to get back in it. Sweep and you're a game or two out. To blow a lead in the first game of the series, with your "ace" on the mound in the 10th is ridiculous. And its not like he got squeezed and then made a mistake for a game-winning homer, it was walk, walk, error, walk, pop out, strikeout, single for the win.

Three walks, one error, one hit, two runs, and a folding chair in some chick's forehead.

At least the Browns are undefeated.

Speaking of which, my picks from earlier in the weekend came out to be slightly below average, posting a 7-9 mark for the season (which is better than I can say for my Maxim pool), and I'm just one game behind Pete. Look for this heated rivalry to continue, and look for both of us to pick against the Browns every week, because apparently, it works!

...if Chris Berman fell in the woods...

ESPN just ran a story about marijuana use in the NFL. It was a nice, thoughtful piece by the goat-eyed Andrea Kremer, that dug deep into the annals of investigative journalism to discover that "Um, I guess 50% of the players in the NFL smoke weed." and *gasp!* there are ways to cover use up for your drug test. Thanks for your input Andrea. No shit NFL players like their pot, and if Nate Newton is any example, they're probably rolling their joints with the Sunday New York Times and still looking for papers when they're done. Next week on the pregame show, a 5 minute piece on where the sun rises, and how it sets in the west. (Though finding out that former Panthers and Colts lineman Shawn King once failed a drug test because his urine sample came back "pregnant" was pretty damn funny.)

However, ESPN waited until AFTER the story to break out the real punchline. Chris Berman in a heart-felt one-on-one session with former Cowboy WR/cocaine afficionado Michael Irvin, who just happens to be his co-host on the pregame show, and a guy that he has to, at minimum, work another 16 weeks with. Berman asked a question about marijuana use in the NFL, Irvin's response was pretty much "Hey, we did it, we were partiers, we drank and smoked, but when training camp came around, we put it down. Some guys couldn't put it down and it got to them." Michael was better than them. He could put the bottle down, he learned to "just say no" to marijuana. When they started passing around the nose candy, Michael had some trouble.

Never once did they mention the blow, though. Instead, after Irvin was done talking about "being the leader of the Cowboys" (which, in the early '90's consisted of providing said drugs for the team), Berman extended a handshake across the table and muttered some line about "thanks for your candidness, Michael". I say bullshit. Don't pat yourselves on the back for a little tiptoe around the obvious subject. Your own "expert analyst" is the poster boy for the Colombian drug cartel, but yet he leaves it to "some guys just couldn't put it down" and you thank him for a candid "interview". Go back to your anniversary specials, ESPN, they are at least half the crap-filled balloon that segment was.

Then, as I turned to CBS immediately after that joke, I was confronted with a remarkable dilemma.... which is bigger, Shannon Sharpe's tongue, or my bedroom wall?

I'm going with a push on this one.

GO BROWNS! (If the upset happens, its going down in 23-17 style.)

...using the whole fist, doc?

I forgot to mention this.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this last week, so its only fair.

...kicked him in the ding-ding!

Of all the things I could throw out here as a VERY disgruntled Michigan fan, let me just say this... the next time you decide to take a heavily favored, highly ranked team into a rivalry game and decide to go for the world record of most productive drives ending in field goal attempts, either A) make sure your defense shows up for the last 20 minutes of the game, B) remember that you have a true freshman at QB who, despite a nice performance the week before was pretty much saved by the aforementioned defense, and C) if you're going to blow the game and be down 16 with less than 5 minutes left, at least tackle that damn leprechaun and beat the freaking daylights out of it.

At least Bowling Green won, albeit against a Division 1-AA opponent, but they handled them like you should handle a 1-AA opponent (despite also going for the field goal record mentioned above).

******

Why did Pete have to talk me into making NFL picks against him? I know he didn't actually "talk", but the sheer mockingness of his post, and the opportunity to prove again that I have the NFL figured out about as well as Mother Theresa has it figured out how to tie a cherry stem in a knot with her teeth, and here I am. Already down 0-2, thanks to a turnover-tastic performance by Edgerrin James on Thursday night, and a secret, yet oh so incorrect Miami pick this afternoon, here's the rest of my list (winners in caps):

Oakland at PITTSBURGH - The despicable bastards in black get the first win in the race to 8-8 and an AFC North crown.

Seattle at NEW ORLEANS - Aaron Brooks is on my fantasy team. So is Shaun Alexander. Difference is, Aaron Brooks has a team around him.

CINCINNATI at NY Jets - I don't think this one is going to be right, but it goes with my continuing hope that everything I pick isn't going to happen (see the next pick).

BALTIMORE at Cleveland - I jinx. Browns win. Or, more likely, Jamal Lewis runs for 185 kilos..err..yards, and the Ravens win.

San Diego at HOUSTON - Houston, hello! Until Phillip Rivers can prove he's the next Ryan Leaf, I have no faith in SD.

Jacksonville at BUFFALO - Its the middle of September and 85 degrees through most of the Midwest, but that doesn't mean its not going to be 12 degrees and snowing in Buffalo.

Detroit at CHICAGO - Since league rules state that someone has to win this game, I'm going with the home team. (Although after a slow start, Detroit will win some ball games and finish 7-9 this year.)

Tampa Bay at WASHINGTON - Did you know that the Redskins are worth $1.1 billion, with a "B"? They could BUY Tampa Bay if they wanted.

Arizona at ST. LOUIS - St. Louis balances a steady ground game with a deadly air attack, offset with one of the league's steadiest run defenses, and is a formidable foe for any opponent. Oh yeah, and Arizona sucks.

NY Giants at PHILADELPHIA - Since T.O. isn't allowed to carry a Sharpie in his sock anymore, he'll be signing autographs with Kurt Warner's wife's blood. Once it thaws out.

ATLANTA at San Francisco - San Francisco *might* be okay if the tumbleweeds can execute the West Coast offense as well as they hope.

Dallas at MINNESOTA - Does Dallas play Miami this year so I can make a "Tuna vs. Dolphin" joke?

KANSAS CITY at Denver - Highest scoring game of the weekend. 37-34 Chiefies.

GREEN BAY at Carolina - Despite missing Tim Couch's leadership qualities in the locker room, Green Bay reaches down deep to pull this one out.

There ya have it, Petey... read 'em and weep!

******

So I was going to join the throngs of thousands in the Blogosphere to write my thoughts/feelings/emotions about September 11th, but I remembered one thing.

I already did.

...pickin' things

Following Pete's lead, I figure there's no better time than Week 1 to do NFL picks. (Besides, there could be pride and bragging rights involved, but only if I win.) I'll get to the rest later, but for tonight's game, I'm going to go with Indy over New England. I know its in New England, but the Patriots haven't been notoriously fast starters of late, and the Colts have some piss and vinegar in their blood (which ironically, is NOT on the NFL's banned substances list) from last years AFC title game, and will take lose this one 27-24. (EDIT: Whew! What a genius I am!)

Besides, if I'm gonna live in this town, I might as well start drinking the blue Kool-Aid now.

...taking out the trash

Ever wonder where the term "laundry list of things to do" came from? I don't remember EVER making a list of what needed to go in the laundry. If it smells or isn't its original color, it goes in the laundry. White stuff first, dark stuff next.

That said, while I'm still not in total "blog at work" comfort mode (not so much for what I have to say as much as people looking over my shoulder to see what I'm doing, I don't like the people at this job THAT much yet), I have taken to writing down notes of what I come across. Unfortunately, its never nearly as funny the next morning. But here's last night's list:

Its all over everywhere now, but that annoying John Clayton-esque Jeopardy guy finally lost. I covered this a bit the other day, and Tom echoed those sentiments last night, so I don't think there's much more that needs to be said.

Except that I hope Jeopardy is just pulling our leg, and he loses alot sooner than the end of October.
******
This is mostly aimed at my brother, the Stuart Scott apologist, but there is absolutely NO WAY that this isn't the freakiest thing you've ever dealt with (its now down on the left side, something about Virtual Stu). It would be even freakier if they made his virtual eye do that virtual half-closed twitch.

Next thing you know, they're going to have a Virtual Stephen A. Smith virtually screaming at me in a virtually annoying accent.
******
From Tuesday's Rangers-White Sox game:

Jose Contreras 1.2 IP, 5 H, 8 ER 5 BB 2 K, 68 pitches

This guy's career doesn't have a Topps card, it has a milk carton.
******
Last night at work, I discovered a job perk that I never ever thought I'd live to see.

Free pork.

It was 9:30pm, and I don't think I was even in the mood for pork chops, and they weren't really even done all that well (if you can imagine pork chops made in one place, then hauled across a couple of counties and dropped at another place), and really could have used some sort of sauce, but who am I to turn down free pork!?!
******
Here is where I was going to make a funny joke about video we had last night of the World Trade Center site under water, and how the only REAL tribute to the victims of 9/11 on the upcoming anniversary would be a mud volleyball tournament.

But, somewhere on the way from here to find a link that would do the image of a giant mud volleyball pit justice, all I found were stories like this one and I had to laugh.

Stinking New Yorkers. I hope the locusts are next.

...baby please, I am not from Havana

Hurricane Ivan sets his course towards Cuba, and then if we're lucky we get to hear about people in Florida losing siding and electricity at their resort homes and their yachts getting smacked around. (Go ahead, Pookie.) When does hurricane season end, anyway? And why are so many of them given names no one would ever use?

Anyway, back to the mainland. I realized today that for as much as I hate "finger quotes", they should absolutely be mandatory when ordering a "steak" philly that actually is more hamburger-ish than it is steak. Not that it wasn't a good sandwich, but if I knew it would have been a slab of beef instead of some form of chopped/sliced/shaved beef, I would have gone with the chicken.

For my money, the best milk is 2%... (Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Larry King!)

I would be completely willing to sacrifice the next 4 months of my life if it means I can stop hearing about "ESPN's 25th Anniversary". It was cool until maybe January 18th. The last time I saw something as self-serving as this, it had the name "Trump" attached. And now they're coming out with a special DVD. Who the hell is going to buy this? And if I have to see one more SportsCenter commercial with Charlie Steiner laughing uncontrollably, I think I'm going to go Elvis on my TV. Fortunately, I've only caught one of their "top 25" shows, and it was a hack job, so I haven't had to go back and watch Stuart Scott "drop some knowledge" on me while winking at me unconsciously. Its like the left side of his face wants to sleep, while the right side wants to dance, dance, dance!

And "The Jeopardy Guy" is back. I think we'll all know the fix is in when one day they break out a game board with categories like "Sports", "80's Television" and "Drinking Games", just to embarrass the guy and get him the hell off the show. Without watching much of the show, I can only imagine they're coddling the guy just a bit.
"Tonight's Final Jeopardy answer: 'He won $1.3 million dollars on a game show, and hasn't been laid since his mom turned off Cinemax'"
"Who is me, Alex?"
"Correct!"

That or they can just take him out back and shoot him. Either way, we win.

...one if by land...

Reason 4,273 that Pete needs to have a page on my site. After realizing the vibrate mode on my phone needs a little work (to the tune of two missed calls in an hour), I get a message from Pete (and I'm assuming the background vocals were from Joel, Nate and/or Craig, but I couldn't be sure), something about "Quality Drive" in Columbus, and a boat. I have no clue what or where Quality Drive is, but apparently they have boats. If I can write about February, then certainly Pete can write about Quality Drive and its boats.

Not the greatest day of college football, but pretty close. BG hung alot closer to Oklahoma than alot would have believed (and came awfully close to my prediction, too), but Michigan won (beating those bastards from Miami of Ohio), and Toledo headed up to Minnesota and got sodomized. Quite literally.

...the best meat's in the rump

Courtesy of American Blogger (and some small town, I'm assuming Southern U.S. newspaper), we bring you the most disturbing story of the year winner, hands down, and even with 4 months left in the year. Read it, think about it, then see if you can eat bacon again. (Of course you'll be able to eat bacon again. After all, its bacon, and its delicious!)

The Browns beat the Bears tonight to finish the preseason 3-1 (and on a 3 game win streak, to boot!) Of course, since the preseason means nothing, I wonder what the Vegas odds are on the Browns matching that win total in the regular season. Among the variables at play are... if our resident $40 million soldier at tight end can use his hands as well as his mouth, if our new QB can use HIS hands as well as his mouth (Hey! Who let Terrell Owens type on my blog?!?!), if William Green can go a full season without getting baked and giving his girlfriend the keys to the knife drawer, if the NFL institutes a rule that gives 10 points for every successful replay challenge (its about the only thing Bootch has been good at), and if they finally pulled the play out of the books that calls for a 6 yard curl on 3rd and 8. Take care of that, and the Brownies might even push the 6 win mark this year! (Which, in true AFC NorthCentral fashion, should leave them a game or two out of first in the division.)

Quick predictions for tomorrow, BG holds Oklahoma close at half, 14-10, maybe, but loses 42-17 in Norman. (Though, if everything clicks, and to use the "super positive thinking alumni" powers, how about 31-28 BG's a winner? First key to that, of course, would be to hit Jason White so hard it knocks his teeth straight.) In the Big House, Miami(OH) brings a tough team to Ann Arbor, but still goes down 38-21 to the Maize and Blue.

Finally tonight, as I'm registering to vote in Indiana, I notice on the mail-in form, at the bottom, a line that says "Please sign full name (or put mark)" and all I can think of is, in my best "Blazing Saddles" voice, "Lawdy Lord, we's gonna vote today!"

That or "I made an 'H'. It looks like an X!"

...how much for just one rib?

Aside from the highly touted Rib America Festival in downtown Indy this weekend, that subject line has nothing to do with this post. Just thought I'd give fair warning. Incidentally, also in Indy this weekend is some kind of gay and lesbian film festival. I don't know what kind of works they can be showing, but knowing that "Threesome" wasn't that good (though it did vault Stephen Baldwin into the limelight he needed to get the mechanic role in "Half Baked"), and I don't think any of the lesbian films will have catchy titles like "Slice Age" and "The Three Muffketeers". I think I'll stick to the ribs.

Call me picky, but I don't think I'm going to be eating any of this company's products any time soon. I found that out at work, which made for a nice compliment to the Danny Thomas stories shared at lunch.

So Kobe's a free man. Not "innocent", just free. Technically, OJ is more innocent than Kobe is. Unfortunately for Kobe, he just fooled around with a girl that ended up taking 15 months to realize what a whore she is and bail out. (Whereas Nicole Simpson realized pretty quick she didn't have a head anymore.) Meanwhile, in an awfully ironic, yet unrelated story...

The more I take my "None of the Above" viewpoint into each night's Republican Nat'l Convention, the more I realize one thing. Protestors are the lowest form of life. Its one thing to believe in something, its another to use everybody else not believing in something somewhat sort of similar, though not quite, but wouldn't it be really cool if we broke some laws, pranced around like we own Manhattan and then whine about the repercussions, and take a week or two off work to act like you're in 1968 San Francisco.

My thought, in convenient SAT format, is this:

cops:protestors :: hockey player:that dumbass that skates around like he owns the joint, and for one moment you catch him looking the other way

For those of you that don't follow, the dumbass is getting leveled. He probably shouldn't have to take it, but its legal and it makes for good TV. Cops get bad press all the time for the LAPD's of the world that beat (somewhat) innocent drivers in broad daylight. Don't you think the policing world is looking to the NYPD to take every chance they get to give one of those hippie wannabes a lobotomy with a billy club? The best was the freaks at the Youth Conference this morning with the "Stop AIDS" banner. STOP AIDS? I agree, its something that needs to be addressed, but how about we all slip a jimmy hat on, stop shooting heroin with needles found on the Jersey shore and work on cancer and Alzheimers and all the other diseases that are as of now incurable, and affect for the most part innocent people? (Not saying that innocent people can't come up with AIDS, but the numbers weigh heavily toward other, equally damaging diseases.)

Okay, soapbox away now.

Finally, from the recycled joke pile, I'm in a number of fantasy sports leagues every year, but one particular league has been known to have some rather long drafts. Like really long. A round a day, on a good day. Its so bad, in fact, that I think my next round pick is going to be one of Eli Manning's children.

...you're right, we *do* suck!

Now that Texas is four games out of any kind of playoff spot, with roughly a month to go in the season, there are two schools of thought. One, obviously, is that they're screwed. "Thanks for playing, the home version of our game is waiting for you at will call, see ya in the spring! And please try not to over-achieve again next year!" Not that they've played all that bad in the past couple weeks, they had the longest win streak in the bigs going not too long ago, but now with a month left, and a bunch of games where Oakland plays Anaheim and they cancel each other out, four games might be too much.

On the other hand, Texas also gets in on those Oakland and Anaheim games, many of which are at home in Arlington, and a hot streak down the stretch could make up some ground in a hurry. If only Boston would hurry up and remember they're supposed to choke, it would clear things up a little bit more.

At the very least, they kept it interesting until football season got here, and if all goes well (which, in fact, includes pigs flying), the Browns will keep it interesting until a few weeks before spring training opens up.

Of course, if the NHL would just get off its ass and negotiate a little, that little thing they like to call a "season" would be nice to have from the fall into the spring, too.

One more baseball note, 8 days after turning "46", Julio Franco is now hitting .304. Sure, he's only got about half the PA's needed to qualify for a batting title, but that's an old man hitting over .300, keeping his career average at or slightly above the .300 mark. Not too shabby.