...I could be a baby momma!

I said this earlier to my brother, but I think I want to have Braylon Edwards' babies. Sure, it's a little disturbing to think of, and most likely anatomically impossible, but the show he helped put on in the last 9 minutes plus overtime in Ann Arbor today was amazing. In fact, it was so amazing, that next week on the official MSU roster, Jaren Hayes will no longer have a "DB" next to his name, rather it will be "BEB" for "Braylon Edwards' Bitch".

And while I get to scratch off all the notes I had written down for this post with about 9:30 left in the game, such as "Michigan got caught in a typical 'sandwich' game, with a big win over Purdue last week, and a tough matchup with 'bye' next week", or how every team circles Michigan on their calendar, but its Michigan's job to make sure they beat ND, MSU and OSU, and they're going to be 0-2. Well, 1-1 still isn't very pretty, especially with the way they pissed away scoring opportunities like one dollar bills at a titty bar against the Irish. I still have notes from the game that must be addressed.

1) Mike Tirico needs to find the deep end of a swimming pool. Face down, preferably. I don't know if this guy woke up every day growing up hoping to be the next Brent Musberger, but he does a pretty good job, if that's what he's shooting for. I'm watching the game on TV, I can get a pretty good idea of what's going on without you running your mouth incessantly. I felt worse for Tim Brant, who does a decent job every time I hear him, but now he's stuck between Tirico and whichever Bowden that was in the booth today. Does the Bowden family tree branch out at all? I've got pretty good money that says it doesn't. Their family reunions probably make the back room at Studio 54 look like Sunday School.

Speaking of Tirico, I've come up with the next great invention. From what I hear, Tivo rocks. I haven't gone in and sprung for it myself, but I'm itching. Now what if you could have a Tivo where you could pick the announcers? Maybe not WHOEVER you wanted, but have a nice selection of two or three broadcast teams doing the game, and you can listen to who you want. I was already fuming at Tirico's antics when he broke out THE MOST ANNOYING LINE EVER, which I referred a few weeks ago. He actually, honestly, without hesitation and truthfully referred to this year as "twenty-oh-four". Um, Mike? Its TWO-THOUSAND-FOUR. Maybe even "TWO-THOUSAND-AND-FOUR". But breaking out the "twenty-oh-four" line seals your fate as an arrogant prick. I want my broadcaster Tivo!!!

Also on the Tivo-related front... I know they have "ESPN Gameplan" where you can pay 15 bucks and see 20 or so games that are televised, but not in your area, which is great. But how about a free option if the game televised in my area is a stinker? Like say there's a game I really don't care about where one team with a shitty offense is beating a team with an even shittier offense and watching PBS while stuffing my ears with steak knives seems like a better option that watching that game, yet at the same time the same network is airing two teams that I really don't care about handing out shots to the sack like they were pennies at a 7-11, but I have to wait for the occasional highlight? Shouldn't I be able to pretend I'm in a different region of the country for awhile and watch the GOOD game? Fortunately, Purdue was losing on another channel, so I got my entertainment out of that. I wonder what's going to be on Joe Tiller's tape to the league office tomorrow? I used to be neutral toward Purdue, and kinda liked Joe Tiller a bit, but now I realize he's a bitch, they're all bitches, and I hope they lose the rest of the way, except when they play Ohio State. Then they can win. But I won't like it.

Oh, and Bowling Green beat Eastern Michigan 41-20. Actually a little closer than I figured (EMU even beat the spread!), but its a convincing win. They've got one more game to hammer out all the kinks before finishing against Marshall and Toledo. Two very winnable (especially the Marshall game), yet also very losable games.

I just realized that today is the first birthday of the haveyoumettony.com domain. So, happy birthday to me! Or at least to my website. Or to my website at this address. Or something. A year ago yesterday I was commenting on a squirrel peeing outside my window. Today, I still think that's funny.

Okay, time for some NFL picks...quick and nasty, just like Pete likes it:

Arizona, Detroit, Tennessee, Indianapolis, Minnesota, Philadelphia, Washington, Jacksonville, Seattle, Denver, New England, San Diego, Chicago (10-6 final), NY Jets

One final note, tomorrow is the second and final day of Ravens' RB Jamal Lewis' suspension for helping a friend buy coke. Meanwhile, Texas Rangers RP Frank Francisco pleads not guilty to tossing a chair in the middle of a brawl, yet still faces possibly a year in prison. Lewis will likely serve 2-3 months jail time, as long as it doesn't interfere with his season. Now, you tell me which part of this makes no sense at all.

And please phrase your response in the form of a question.

...this space intentionally left blank

The only reason this post is here is because I felt I should make the obligatory post about the World Series. Of course, the more I read online and heard on TV, the less I cared about the World Series. Congrats Boston fans, your team won. Now go away. Seriously. If it wasn't bad enough we had to spend so much time hearing about "the curse", starting earlier today and probably for many months or years to come, we get to hear "what am I going to do without the curse?" It's gotten pathetic, it really has.

The worst I think I heard was a comment in ESPN's on going chat throughout the game, when the Red Sox went down in the 9th and Keith Foulke was coming into the game, someone said, "I don't want Foulke out there, he's not a true Red Sock, he hasn't been through it all with this team."

Are you freaking kidding me? Your ownership paid alot of money for this guy to be here, and without him, the line of gas cans you kept in your bullpen would have had you watching ALL the playoffs at home. If you want to whine about how you finally won something after almost nine decades of shittyness, and its not perfectly how you want it, I know 28 other teams that would love to have what you just won (and the Yankees would like to buy it, Steinbrenner will be on the phone in the morning).

So congratulations, but not for winning, rather for finally not imploding when it mattered most. (Or being, um, "cursed", or whatever you want to call it).

And Little G, please let me know that you were running drunk and naked through the streets of Findlay with a pony keg in a wagon, and that's why I didn't get a "How ya like that, bitch!" phone call. I'd hate to think you went through so many crusty Sox hats and yards of electrical tape to turn in early tonight.

...just in case

If I ever run for political office, there are a few things I want to mention, just for the record:

-the crack of the bat and the roar of the crowd as Hank Aaron hit his 715th homerun in Atlanta, and the ball glancing off my fingertips and into the hands of the guy next to me.

-attending all those Green Bay Packers games, sitting in the front row of the end zone, finally convincing their receivers that they should jump into the stands after scoring, and market it as the "Lambeau Leap".

-killing a 3,000 pound bear with a Swiss Army knife. (I'll never forget the struggle of lugging that bear a thousand feet up the side of a mountain to my cabin retreat.)

-discovering that peanut butter and chocolate really are two great tastes that taste great together.

-finishing each of my 12 Ironman triathlons, even the one where I had my leg bitten off by a shark, and had to surgically reattach it myself before I could finish the running part.

There are more, definitely, but this should be a good foundation for any future campaign to build off of.

Seriously, this story just confirms my notion that if John Kerry wanted to be President, all he had to do is say "I'm John Kerry, and I'm not George W. Bush". And he wins, hands down. Hell, feet down, too. But he has taken to exaggerating and to some extent lying at every turn just to make himself seem like a bigger man. Hell, he was this close to turning around my very conservative (and very inconsistent) voting record. Now I just have to decide if I'm going to leave that space blank, or write in "Homer Simpson".

...dolla dolla bill y'all

If you didn't think that the corporate raping of collegiate athletics was bad enough before, think again.

As if it wasn't bad enough that we had to give in to have the "Rose Bowl presented by Cadillac" (or whoever the sponsor is, AT&T, maybe?), now they've bastardized one of the greatest 3 hours in sports (the big-eared guy that sings "God Bless America" at Yankees games doesn't count, as that only comes in at 2 hours 37 minutes) for money. What's next, "November 6th NCAA Football presented by haveyoumettony.com"?? (If I had the money, I would.) And the payout is a hair over a million dollars over two years. How is this really helping anyone? Either one of those schools could raise the price of a hot dog by a quarter and pull in half a million over two years. If they're that desperate, raising ticket prices by a dollar (which they seem to do anyway) would bring in MORE than that. This move just disgusts me. And maybe if it was called "The Ohio State-Michigan Game presented by SBC", it would be a little different, but they have to throw in the "classic" line. Um, guys, its been "classic" for the better part of 101 years, we don't need your marketing slogan.

The best part, and the part I just thought of, is that looking on my phone bill from SBC, its stamped with reminders to donate through SBC for breast cancer research. Why should I give one, five, or ten dollars when your company just gave a million dollars to get your name on the screen of a football game? I can only assume SBC, by pushing for the donations has given a sizeable amount already, but I don't think there is a cancer research hospital in the world that would turn away an extra million.

Instead, the rich get richer, and people wonder why the smaller schools in Division I college football struggle to compete, and why they still don't have a cure for cancer. What a freaking shame.

...serving up the facial

I think I might change my stance on the Red Sox winning the World Series if I get to watch Manny Ramirez continue to figure out how to catch. It was great fun when he was in Cleveland, and now that he's taken it to the biggest stage, it can only get better. I think the last time someone took a ball off the face that gracefully, they were back stage at a Sigfried and Roy show.

I had originally considered (deeply) going to today's Michigan-Purdue game. The final score makes me wish I would have gone (that and the copious amounts of beer and farm animal flesh that would have been consumed), but I don't think I would have been responsible for my actions if I had to watch Garrett Rivas knuckle another 30-yd field goal barely over the bar, or kick a 35 yarder that goes right and stays right, and keeps going right some more. For a team with that much offensive firepower, there's no reason to have to try as many FG's as they do, and then miss (or make) them horribly when they kick them. But a win's a win, especially on the road in the Big Ten. And BG won big, again, which continues to make the November 23 game at Toledo that much better.

On to the pros, where I refuse to talk about my progress in tracking down Pete for the Pick 'Em God title of the world, since last time I did that I put up a four-spot the next week. So I'll just shut up and pick.

ST. LOUIS at Miami - Do I even need to explain this pick? Miami is so bad, their mascot is actively searching for a tuna net to end it all.

Tennessee at MINNESOTA - Its probably about time for Steve McNair to get hurt again, but regardless, Minnesota's offense on the plastic grass of the Metrodome is just disgusting. And to think they still have over 2 months before they have to start sucking!

Detroit at NY GIANTS - Reason #13,258 to hate New York. The Giants get good and we're subjected to another season of Mrs. Kurt Warner.

Chicago at TAMPA BAY - Chicago gets a defensive TD, but TB wins it 13-10. Or was that the Bears game last week?

SAN DIEGO at Carolina - Why not? The Chargers have screwed me every week I don't pick them. Might as well switch it up!

Buffalo at BALTIMORE - Buffalo was on their way to being the worst team in football until Miami got in their way. If memory serves me, this is game one of Jamal Lewis' lengthy two-game suspension for helping a buddy sell cocaine. Good luck Jamal, we all love you!

PHILADELPHIA at Cleveland - If the Browns can shut Terrell Owens up, I'll be happy. If they win this game, I'll never pick against them again.

Jacksonville at INDIANAPOLIS - So Indy beats them in Jacksonville a few weeks ago, now gets to do it again, at home, after a week off? Yeah, I'll take the Colts by 17.

Atlanta at KANSAS CITY - At this point, Chiefs fans are telling stories of blind squirrels and their nuts.

NY Jets at NEW ENGLAND - This is almost a safer pick than the Dolphins losing... and the Jets are actually good!

SEATTLE at Arizona - As long as their not up 17 with 6 minutes left, the Seahawks are golden!

Dallas at GREEN BAY - Just in time for Halloween, the Jekyll and Hyde Packers come up with a win.

NEW ORLEANS at Oakland - They're not booing, they're saying "Deuce! Deuce!" What, its in Oakland? Yeah, they're probably booing then.

DENVER at Cincinnati - See Miami.

...next on the main stage

What do former NHL-er Theo Fleury and OSU RB Lydell Ross have in common?

No, Ross has never (to my knowledge) had a cocaine addiction, nor has he slid the length of a hockey rink on each and every one of his body parts following an overtime goal.

And no, Fleury isn't averaging a whopping 57 yards rushing per game this season.

Still stumped?

Think cocoa butter and booty glitter.

Theoretically, I should have more to comment on this. But I don't. And I think it stands just fine on its own.

...save the baby seals! (for their fur)

Is it just me, or is having an "Environment" license plate on an SUV alot like saying "Meat is Murder! (Please pass the A-1 sauce.)"?

...drag bunts and double switches

While to the untrained eye the title of this post may appear to put into question which side of the plate I'm hitting from (as in my out-loud-to-myself question tonight, "Ruben Sierra's a switch hitter? Who knew?"), I am now the biggest National League fan in the world. The past four or whatever nights have brought me to the conclusion that maybe I don't hate the Red Sox as much as I hate their fans. And not just all their fans, but the ones that have a voice on a national website or that give constant reminders that Boston is good because the world owes it to them. The drunkeness and debauchery, however, is pretty cool. The past hour and a half has pretty much been a preview of my month of February immediately following the Browns winning the Super Bowl. Fortunately, by the time that happens, I'll have built up at least a months vacation at work, and the $63.75 in my 401K will be enough for a keg and some party favors. (And yes, I really did take a picture of a video game screen, and no the offsides wasn't turned off.) So regardless, I'm a Houston Cardinals fan now, but only until November.

Actually, while it wouldn't be a bad thing to see the Cardinals win, seeing how most of their roster has been there for at least a couple of years, and their "ringer" is Larry Walker, a member of the top 5 "Who would I really like to go on a roadie with?" list, I could dig that. But the Astros have players like that, and then some. To see Biggio and Bagwell get their due after sticking it out for so many years would be cool. (Especially if Bags grabs his junk toward the Sox dugout after the win and reminds them that they traded him and now he has a ring. But I digress.) Then again, the Astros picked up Clemens to help them get there. A definite negative.

Baseball aside, someday when my head clears up I'll recap all that was (and that's allowed to tell) about Homecoming weekend in Bowling Green. Alot of others will say what they will about the proximity to major agricultural crops, or the National Tractor Pulling Championships on the west side of town every year, but BG is a damn fine college town.

On the pro side, the Browns finished up a perfect pigskin weekend for me by shoving Chad Johnson's Pepto up his Bismol and beating the Bengals 34-17. Hopefully that was just a warmup for the REAL big mouth of the league, Terrell Owens, who visits this Sunday. Its just regular season, but if the Browns can remember where they found the offense at and pull an upset, downtown Cleveland could be a fun place Sunday afternoon. (Here's where I also get to mention that a solid 10-4 week in the "Pick 'Em Till They Hurt Celebrity NFL Prognostications" got me back in the race and while I still trail Pete four weeks to two, and by six games overall, I've stopped the bleeding. Which, last time I checked, is a good thing whenever something is bleeding. To stop it, that is.)

Got a real strange/surprising e-mail today, which I've been sworn to secrecy about, but with the outside chance that it happens, it would be really, really cool. I'm talking big time. Stay tuned.

...grammar snobs

Ever see a word somewhere, think its an awfully odd and arrogant word, but one you've never seen before, then within hours, days or a week, you see it again? Today's word is askance. In 30 and a half years, I've never seen that word before. I may never see it again, but if I do, I'll be ready.

One thing I'm NOT ready for is another drubbing in the weekly NFL Cyber-Death Match Pick 'Em. I've got the final numbers somewhere, but I believe I'm 6 or 8 wins back of Pete, who may or may not be having a trained chicken make his picks for him.

We've made it to Week 6, and if you like 'em ugly, Week 6 is the week for you!

Washington at CHICAGO - Bad home teams beat bad road teams. Though there's no reason the Redskins should be this bad. And not to say Joe Gibbs' coaching methods are outdated, but once they figure out this new-fangled forward pass thingy, they should be just fine.

Miami at BUFFALO - (see above) One of these weeks, Miami will win a game, and the 1977 Buccaneers will drink champagne in celebration.

San Diego at ATLANTA - The Chargers have bitten me each of the past two weeks, so its tough to go against them, but I'd be afraid of a pissy Michael Vick, and he should be just that after the egg they laid last week.

Houston at TENNESSEE - Houston is NOT Green Bay. Lucky for them. But the old Oilers beat the new Oilers by 10.

Carolina at PHILADELPHIA - Some article I was reading online this afternoon that Terrell Owens should be MVP because he's got the Eagles off to such a great start. The Eagles ALWAYS get off to a great start. Then once the calendar changes, they turtle. They're like the Browns of the late 80's, just not nearly as fashionable. (On a side note, if the Panthers were the Ravens, I'd look for a big week out of Rae Carruth this Sunday.)

San Francisco at NY JETS - The people of San Fran haven't seen this much sucking since... ah, too easy.

Seattle at NEW ENGLAND - Seattle's a good team when they show up for 60 minutes. Last week they didn't, this week it won't matter. Besides, with the foul yellow liquid running down the legs of the Red Sox, SOMEONE has to win to keep the chowds off the window ledge.

Kansas City at JACKSONVILLE - KC might win this if Priest Holmes remembers why he's a near unanimous #1 fantasy draft pick. And if Trent Green forgets that he's Trent Green.

Green Bay at DETROIT - There's no reason to think Detroit should win this game. At all. Then again, this isn't two years ago, and Green Bay just embarrassed themselves on Monday night. No cheese for you!

Cincinnati at CLEVELAND - Thank God for those Redskins-Bears and Dolphins-Bills matchups. They make this one look like the Super Bowl. Or at least a playoff game. Okay, a meaningful December game at least.

Denver at OAKLAND - True the Raiders went home from Indy with their spikey shoulder pads wedged in their cracks, but in this rivalry, you throw the records out the window. Of course, Denver has more wins to throw out said window, but I still think the Silver and Black get it done.

PITTSBURGH at Dallas - Please let this Pittsburgh roll stop. Please!

MINNESOTA at New Orleans - Its a dome away from dome game for the Vikings. Aaron Brooks will throw 3 TD's for the Saints, but he'll also throw 3 picks and make me wonder why I put him on my fantasy roster year in and year out.

Tampa Bay at ST. LOUIS - One of these weeks, Tampa Bay is going to win a game and the 1977 Buccaneers are going to pop open the champagne to celebrate.

That's it! I'm off on a personal pilgrimage to Mecca (aka Toledo, OH), which includes my first Bowling Green game of the year. Unfortunately, expected rain in the area will keep the Falcons under 80 points on the day, but I still expect them to win a high scoring affair. 55-24, officially.

...um, err, uh, yeah, um

I realized today something that I think I noticed awhile ago, but finally got fed up with today.

The most obnoxious thing in the world very well might be people that call in to talk radio shows, then hyperventilate on air. I don't just mean a little case of the thinking train falling off the tracks, I mean flat out stuttering, stammering, and feeling like someone should grab a phone and dial 9, then 1, then when the body hits the floor press the last 1. Maybe its just a sign that I'm getting old that I listen to that much talk radio in the first place, or maybe its a sign that most of the FM station in this town seem to suck, and half the AM ones don't come in worth a crap outside the station's lobby, but everytime I hear "Joe from Omaha" wheeze his way through why he thinks George Bush is responsible for Green Bay's 1-4 start to the season, I want to drive my car through a bridge.

Apparently the WNBA crowned a new champion tonight. I was in the restroom and missed it. (The WNBA season, not necessarily the title game.)

My NFL picks this week were abhorrent. I think I got 4 right, maybe 5. Either way, Pete got back on track and is starting to mop the floor with me. Fortunately, its not a very big floor, and the season isn't even a third of the way through. There is time to mount a comeback. Or at least to mount something. Which is more than I can say for the Browns. Damn they're shitty.

...if a coke addict dies in the woods...

I had a strange feeling last night when I heard that former NL MVP third baseman Ken Caminiti had died. At first, it was pretty shocking. Someone that played the game during my prime years as a baseball fan (which hasn't been all that long ago), who always seemed to exemplify what it was to be a professional ball player. He always seemed to be dirty, and having a blast each time he took the field. Of course, he also apparently exemplified the thousand dollar coke habit of a professional athlete as well, which almost makes his passing forgettable. Sad, but forgettable. Not to get political, but if professional sports can't look at an example like this to bring the hammer down on illicit drug use in their games (Jamal Lewis, I'm looking in your direction), they might as well just give up. Here's a guy that was on the top of his sport for a number of years, everyone who was a fan knew who he was, and he was shooting 'roids and doing lines the whole time. And not until just recently has anyone listened to him about the steroids, though the coke has been catching up with him for years. I'll choose to remember the Ken Caminiti from on the field, rolling in the dirt at third to make a spectacular play, but the Ken Caminiti from off the field simply cannot, and should not, be ignored.

Oh yeah, and Superman died, which I believe officially makes William Katt the greatest living man to ever wear a cape and tights.

EDITORS NOTE: On Saturday, I had found some great quotes/lines about the Jamal Lewis situation, which also happened to vindicate, at least slightly, The Sports Guy for not writing about anything remotely interesting. However, going back today to fish them out again, they're gone. All that's left is a movie review and about 12 stories on the Red Sox. Imagine that. (Though "Quote of the Day" is still outstanding, and shockingly non-New England related.)

...I have no Channel 2

Starting tomorrow, when the NFL highlights are over, ESPN does not exist in my apartment. At least not during the 16 hours a day when SportsCenter is on. Basically, I don't need the Red Sox-Yankees series to get pounded into my brain like one of those circus freaks that pounds nails into their nose. I could go on and on, but I think Pete summed it up pretty well.

I could also write another novel on what I think of Jamal Lewis, the entire Ravens organization, the NFL and the federal court system, but why do that when John Kruk has already done it for me? (Feel free to skip past the first two sections, unless all-day weed binges and/or forced anal s..err, alleged forced anal sex *COUGH COUGH* appeal to you.)

And finally, I could probably ramble forever about Ohio State's loss this afternoon, but Dan has done it so eloquently, I don't feel the need. (Feel free to stop at the part about F1 racing, though that's pretty funny too. Definitely stop after that though, 'cause that's when the violence starts happening.)

Oh, and I'd like to thank Tyler Ecker for restoring my faith as a Michigan fan. I've been a Michigan fan since birth, am pretty fanatical about it, though not as much as I once was, and lately I've been feeling like I'm "going through the motions" with Michigan games. But today, as the Maize and Blue marched down the field behind by 4 late in the game, and true freshman (and showing it less and less every week, but still showing it) quarterback Chad Henne hit his big TE over the middle, and watching him slip one tackle and stomp untouched into the endzone for the winning score brought back memories of Desmond Howard flat out against Notre Dame, Mercury Hayes in the corner against Virginia, and even Tai Streets against Ohio State and in the '98 Rose Bowl, and everything was all right.

Any-hoo, back to the real reason I'm here, to defend my Week 4 NFL picks. Pete's backed into a corner, and Week 5 is the time to strike. Besides, my horoscope today said "This would be a good week to win some imaginary pride in some imaginary wagering over professional sporting events."

So here I go:

Miami at NEW ENGLAND - I wish someone, anyone would beat New England so that we don't have to hear about how many games in a row the Patriots have won this week. I really didn't mind the Pats, in fact I kind of liked them, until recently when all this "how many games in a row have they won" crap, and that all their fans are coming out of the woodwork, and they're as bad as Red Sox fans. Wait, they ARE Red Sox fans. So now, all I'm left with is to constantly remember that Bill Belichick had a chance to do this with the Browns. And of course he messed it up.

Oakland @ INDIANAPOLIS - If Oakland can't win in Houston, they might give up 50 to the Colts. Probably not, because the NFL likes to keep a 38 point cap on most games, but it could happen.

Minnesota @ HOUSTON - The Vikes could easily be the best team over the past 4 years that really pretty much sucks. Maybe once Onterrio Smith puts the pipe down they can play some football. This week, however, the suckage continues deep in the heart of Texas.

NY Giants @ DALLAS - No clue on this one, but I forgot to type "NY Giants" in all caps by the time I got to the "@", so I'll go with Dallas.

Detroit @ ATLANTA - They keep talking about cutting back on Michael Vick running the ball. No word on if Vick whines to his coaches, "But coach, its the Liiiiionnnnns!"

Tampa Bay @ NEW ORLEANS - Chris Simms gets the start for the Bucs, and somewhere Major Applewhite is at a Home Depot shopping for shower rods and extension cords.

CLEVELAND @ Pittsburgh - Because I will be driving to work during the game, I'd like to think my little streak can continue. Also, because nothing would be finer than putting a boot up Bill Cowher's ... ummm... chin.

JACKSONVILLE @ San Diego - Jacksoville is better than I thought, San Diego is also somewhat better than I thought, but until LaDanian Tomlinson starts placekicking, the Jags win a tight one.

Buffalo @ NY JETS - Jets win 17-14. How Buffalo scores twice? The world may never know.

St. Louis @ SEATTLE - Shaun Alexander is reportedly healed. 186 yards and three scores later, the STL "D" won't be.

ARIZONA @ San Francisco - At least ESPN gives San Fran a break before displaying their horrifying offense on national TV again at the end of the month.

CAROLINA @ Denver - Has anyone given me a reason to NOT hate Denver yet? Oh yeah, Quentin Grif... oops, nevermind.

BALTIMORE @ Washington - If the Ravens can have TWO players skirt serious convictions and jail time, surely they can avoid the Washington defense, right?

Tennessee @ GREEN BAY - If I'm a member of Brett Favre's family and he has a Monday night game coming up the next week, I'm NOT DOING ANYTHING. At all. Just give me a chair to sit in, and I'll watch the wall for a week. (As for the game, Favre playing for his brother-in-law's memory beats Billy Volek throwing like a girl anyday. If Steve McNair plays, Favre winning one for the dead guy still trumps it.)

...all right stop what you're doing

Got home from a long "weekend" tonight, and one of the first things I saw was this at Grant's site, and almost lost it. Damn funny stuff. Go ahead, picture it.

Also acceptable vote-clinchers include "this is my world, you're just a squirrel looking for a nut", and, to a lesser extent, "word to your mother."

For the record, THIS is still total bullshit. So much so that I'm debating getting into the coke dealing business just to see what it does to MY career. I hope Jamal Lewis and Paul Tagliabue both rot their bitch asses in the most horrible way possible. (Starting with the Browns sticking two more cleats up Jamal's personal bitch ass in early November. How convenient that the suspension ends right before a couple of divisional games?)

...tried the corner and missed

This *was* going to be another celebratory post about how the Yankees suck, and going down 2-0 at home is the greatest thing since the waffle iron, but since the left field wall in Yankee Stadium isn't about 3 feet higher (specifically, right to the left of the foul pole), and home plate isn't about 85 feet closer to first base, as Jacque Jones apparently figures, I'm left to bitch about ESPN.

Technology and sports is a cool thing. ESPN gets a plus for the "over the field" camera they have during NFL games, and whoever invented the first down line kicks ass, too. But ESPN's "K-Zone" during baseball games is just plain annoying. Even though umpires anymore are for the most part terrible, do we really need to take a second look at ball four, and because the inside edge of the ball *just* touched the strike zone, lament for a half-inning how out of control umpires are? I don't think so. The only thing the K-Zone is good for is to throw up a finger at the screen when one of the twelve billion crowd shots of a whiny-ass Yankee fan comes on, complaining that the pitch which almost hit the dirt behind the other batters box should have been strike three. Bitches.

...this place sucks! that's right, it sucks!

Just like my brother got to witness his lifelong dream tonight, I got to witness a bit of mine. I got to edit clips from Caddyshack for the 11pm news. I don't know if I could die happy right now, but its definitely a big checkmark on my life's "to do list". Actually, I didn't even know I had the list until Lloyd Bridges died 7 or so years ago. What I wouldn't have given for the "looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue" scene that morning. Again, more recently, Gregory Hines died, and while there was a brief clip available from "History of the World, Part I" (airing on the Bravo network tonight, btw), I think that a full sound piece of the Ethiopian Shim-Sham was in order on that day.

Since most of the people on my blogroll are, or have the potential to be, very funny people, here's how the rest of my "circle of friends" is remembering Rodney Dangerfield:

Angry Pete
Sugar, Mr. Poon?
Wizbang
Tom

While it would be redundant to have two consecutive tribute posts to Rodney Dangerfield, might I also add here that....

THE YANKEES LOSE! THAAAAAAAAA YANKEES LOSE!!!

I know they'll find some way to pull a series or two out this year, but to see them get shut out at home in the playoffs (for the second straight game, mind you) is awesome.

Oh, and I beat Pete this week in the "Meaningless NFL Pick 'Em Pool '04". If my math is any better than it was last week, I'm back within 3 games, and picking up steam!

...my dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!

Rodney Dangerfield Dies at 82

...now THAT is a tight end!

I'm still confident that Kellen Winslow will make a solid addition to the Browns future when he gets his leg back in one piece, but aside from the fact that the Browns save almost $5 million in bonus money by him missing the season (and in effect sticking one to the Poston brothers in the process), Aaron Shea's touchdown catch yesterday afternoon confirms to me that the TE position is all right. Sure, a flashy "down the field" type tight end would be great, but to see Shea take a safety valve pass, truck 15 yards and lay out two or three guys on his way into the endzone was beautiful. Almost as beautiful as seeing Lee Suggs back in action, diving through a pile of bodies in for the winning score. I don't know if it was the air conditioning duct I was standing under or what, but seeing the highlight of that gave me a few small chills.

I've also decided that the Browns do all right when I have to drive to work. The two games they've lost, I was either out of town, or the game started after I got to work. The two wins have come when I started following the game at home, and had to drive in to work during the third quarter. If this keeps up, my boss is going to wonder why I'm not at work until 9:45 on the days of the Sunday Night ESPN games.

Speaking of Sunday night TV, I'm casually working and hear that herpes medication commercial come on. You know, the one where the 30-something woman is talking about how "I'm not going to let herpes interfere with what *I* want to do."??? Why would you start now? You didn't let it stop you being a bed-hopping skank in college, rock on girl!!!

I've asked some of you already, but if I'm ever brought up on federal drug charges, find me Jamal Lewis' lawyer. Seriously, plea bargains are fine. If a bystander needs to do less jailtime so that the kingpin goes down hard and for life, that's great. But regardless, you've been busted on conspiracy charges involving COCAINE and your employer (the same employer who hands out four game suspensions like they're nickels for anyone with even a TRACE of pot in their system) hasn't come out and said anything that you've A) been indicted, or B) going to work your plea so that you can still play football. Oh yeah, and when the jackass has already been through two stages of the league's drug policy for marijuana use and is STILL getting treated with kid gloves, that's bullshit. At the very least, this guy should be suspended now, and not let back on the field until his jail sentence is over. And even then, I don't think he should be let back on the field. Maybe its just because he's a Raven, but I felt the same way about, oh, just about all the Cowboys in the '90s, too. If William Green has to sit out half the season for smoking a little grass, setting up coke buys should be at LEAST that tough.

...J-E-L-L-Ohhhh my god you got spanked

Before Bowling Green took the field against Temple yesterday, I meant to put up my usual optimistic, yet way off the final numbers prediction for a final score. I was going to go with 45-10. Maybe even 41-10. Needless to say when I first saw a score of the game, it was 42-9...AT HALFTIME. 28 more points (including a fourth-string touchdown later), and they get a 70-16 win. It looks more like a bad high school girls basketball game than a Division I-A football score, but I'll take it. Sure, it was only against Bill Cosby U., but after watching that joke of a performance against Northern Illinois the week before.

Also in college football yesterday, I'm hating that the Michigan team that showed up in the first half of the Indiana game yesterday is the one I'm getting way too familiar with, as compared to the team that was out there in the second half, making plays, scoring points, and generally just having an easy time against an easy team. If they don't start coming out of the gate with a little more fire, there are some long games ahead of them in the Big Ten. (Read: Purdue. That team is just plain scary right now.)

Not to poke fun at the less fortunate, but even Bowling Green has a better record against Northwestern in the last 10 months. *grin*

I'm thankful during the long nights at work that college football runs pretty much from noon to midnight on TV, and I don't even mind watching Tennessee every single week, but if I have to hear one more time from some sideline reporter reminding me that Tennessee QB Eric Ainge is former Boston Celtic punk Danny Ainge's nephew, I might break something. Oh, and while Tennessee was getting an Auburn flavored pigskin shoved up their collective Rocky Tops, it was all of a sudden not a good idea to run an offense with two freshmen QB's, even though last week when they were winning, it was the greatest thing in the world. I hate TV people, really I do.

On a side note, apparently Pete picked Dallas, not Washington last week, so he actually is kicking my ass worse than imagined. Through three weeks, he leads 30-16 to 25-21. Unfortunately, as a couple of Browns fans, we'll be forced to pick against them, effectively making that a push every week. And Pete, if the Browns take Kyle Orton with the first pick in the draft, start sizing him up for a McDonald's name tag. And then toss me into Lake Erie, please.

...wanna buy a stapler?

So after spending more time in Staples in the past two days than I have in the last 8 years combined, I thought I'd hunt down the contact information on their website to give props to the clerk that helped me out when I was more lost than Michael Jackson in a Girl Scout camp. While there's no specific link to "give props", there's a generic "something else..." page that I figured would work just as well. Except they want a phone number. Now I'm left to ask myself, was this girl's help REALLY good enough to sit through potentially 5 phone calls from Staples a month, or the dead air of a computerized dialer courtesy of Staples?

Probably not.

******
If I could be 100% assured that the dipshit that is double parking out front wouldn't find this site, I'd share the picture I took of EXACTLY what I was talking about yesterday. He's back at it. On the bright side, though, the empty space he's created on one side and the curb on the other assures me of not adding to the two dozen or so dings I already have on the sides of my car.

******
Time for this week in the NFL, though I reserve the right to change them before kickoff if in my infinite boredom at work tomorrow I come to my senses and realize the Browns really won't beat the Redskins. (Not that I'm picking the Browns anyway, not after that "roll over and die" performance they threw out last week.)

To update, I went 9-5 last week, upping my record to 25-21, while that old dirty bastard Pete went 11-3 to sit at 29-17.

Cincinnati at PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh has a nice new stadium, though if they want to implode it around 2pm on Sunday, I'll look the other way.

INDY at Jacksonville - It'll be closer than you'd think, but I don't expect the Jags to get within 10.

Oakland at HOUSTON - Remember the 6-3 Arizona/Atlanta game last week? That's some shitty football. So is this, but one team might get to 10.

NEW ENGLAND at Buffalo - Ten Frank Reich's couldn't come back from how ugly this one should get.

PHILADELPHIA at Chicago - The Eagles aren't Green Bay. Besides, that one was a fluke anyway, the Bears are almost as bad as the Browns.

WASHINGTON at Cleveland - The home field advantage for the Browns is that they save on mileage to the Cleveland Clinic at halftime. 17-15 Skins, Phil Dawson (who has a decidedly African-American accent on ESPN's NFL 2K5 for PS2, especially for a guy from Texas) will have a busy day, but still not kick a FG from beyond 40 yards.

NY Giants at GREEN BAY - Congrats on the win last week, G-Men. Now get back to working on that #1 draft pick.

ATLANTA at Carolina - Was Carolina even a real threat before Steve Smith went down? They definitely aren't now.

NEW ORLEANS at Arizona - On the bright side, I hear the sunsets in Tempe are awfully pretty this time of year.

NY JETS at Miami - Someone on SportsCenter the other day referred to them as "the NY Football Jets". Um, seeing how there are no baseball, basketball or hockey teams called the "NY Jets", you're an idiot.

TENNESSEE at San Diego - Its awfully nice of Drew Brees to offer to fade into oblivion at the same time Doug Flutie does. Of course, Flutie has a few thousand yards and a couple Grey Cups to take with him, Drew has that growth on his face.

DENVER at Tampa Bay - There's no truth to the rumor that Mike Shanahan is going to rape and plunder if Denver wins this one, but it would make for, um, interesting TV.

ST. LOUIS at San Francisco - Is it just me, or would it have been more appropriate to dedicate San Fran's new "Monster Field" on Halloween? (Actually, the Niners don't play at home on Halloween, they play in Chicago. On ESPN. In primetime. Don't let the kids watch, please. Whoa, THIS game is on ESPN, too. How does San Francisco get shut out one week, and now has two primetime games in the month of October? Maybe this is just God paying ESPN back for putting Stuart Scott on TV.)

Kansas City at BALTIMORE - No matter how good Baltimore gets from here on out (which won't be very good, once Jamal Lewis takes the stand), they still lost to the Browns. Convincingly.