...tony, start your engine!

I'm minutes away from hitting the highway for a weekend of beer, debauchery and men driving around in circles (oh, and Sarah Fisher for about 12 minutes, too). While I don't have too much to comment on, I'd like to publicly join Tom (Comments, May 25) on wondering why the hell he was spending time posting when he could be off doing so many other (legal and otherwise) things in Jamaica. I'm sure the new wifey is thrilled with his attention. But I am glad he agreed with me on the DJ issue, and if you haven't heard the Harry Caray impression, it gets more and more "award winning" the later the night gets. If I do say so myself, the "St. Josephine's bake sale" bit was pretty damn classic.

Okay, I'm off. This Memorial Day weekend I hope to save my liver, find my golf game, and with any luck win a few bucks off those guys on the track. (Oh, and if my little brother doesn't name his impending kid "Helio" or "Dario", I'm gonna be pissed.)

...la bamba="celebration"

Today's Spanish lesson brought to you by Skip the Less-Than-Sober DJ and the letter "Q". The wedding this weekend was good. I proved my dad's estimated driving times wrong, the ceremony was nice, and brief, which made it that much nicer, the weather cooperated big time, and I not only saved 20 cents a gallon on gas by finding the cheap station in town, but I saved 2 more cents by the time I finally could stop to fill up there.

Then we get to the reception. The only time a wedding DJ should really be acknowledged is after the fact, when you say "Man, that DJ was good. No chicken dances, and his segue from Flock of Seagulls to 50 Cent was flawless." This guy was a joker in the finest sense of the word. But, his comments during songs aside, he played music that let people dance, and dance they did. (I believe there's a picture or three out there of me and Tom doing the "sprinkler".) And the reception dinner could have been the best wedding dinner I've ever had. Ever. Hell, even the cake was awfully damn tasty. I know there was more to be said, and there probably will be at some point in time, and I'll get to it then, right now, I'm blank.

I tried to post a picture on here using Blogger's new "photoblogging", but it wouldn't let me edit the post to put some text around it, so I'm going to have to manually show off the happy couple:



They're not nearly as pimptastic as the handsome young man on the left, but they try.

Sunday was a good time, too. Aside from the bad golf, it was a good day to relax, then sit for 4 hours in a power outage. Of course, without the power outage, I never would have been able to reaffirm my stance as the household "Yahtzee" champion by pounding my folks into a dice-ridden submission not seen in decades.

And now its another week. Or at least 2 days into another week. There's some Blogger-related learning to be done, though that's looking more and more like a June project. Excuse my dust if I really botch this one up.

...yes, dear

So the revamp of the site will definitely wait until next week, at least. That week is pretty busy, too, but I should be able to find some time on Monday or Tuesday to figure the whole permalink/RSS issue out and get on with my new template. It'll likely look a hell of alot like the current template, just because the "met tony?" idea works so well, but we'll see.

Anyway, in 6 or so hours from now I'll have another set of married friends. My old roommate Tom (who I have a picture of, but am too rushed/lazy to scan right now) is marrying my friend Shauna (who I don't think I have a picture of to be too lazy to scan, and I almost left the "a" off her name, which would make me question Tom a little bit). I've known Shauna for a long time. Like 13 years long. But when I say it like that, it makes me feel old. So we'll stick with "a long time". Tom has commented here a number of times, and should really have his own blog, considering he has the same 3rd grade sense of humor that I do, and at one time considered himself a "journalist". Maybe that will be my next project. Anyway, when and if I ever list my most memorable alcohol related nights, he's likely to fill all the spots not already taken by Kurt. You'll see what I mean. All I know is it will be nice to see the two of them in front of a room full of friends and family, get that content look on their faces and say those two special words... "Open Bar".

Before I make the mad dash to Toledo, I absolutely must thank Mr. Poon for reminding me that The Sports Guy comes out on Fridays, and not sometime randomly on Tuesday when Kurt sends me an IM saying "Wow. Did you read Simmons yet?" Not that the above article is anything *truly* spectacular, and I detest the use of the word "ramblings" anymore, but find the picture of former Bengals RB Corey Dillon, go up about 6 lines to that one sentence post, and it should be nominated for a Pulitzer.

Running "Cousin Geri" smack? Are you kidding me? I wonder if Jo ever let her ride her motorbike.

It gets better. Thanks to the folks at IMDB.com we learn that Geri was also in "Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams". Does it get any better than that? Pee Wee Herman and Cousin Geri in the same movie. (And don't forget about Stacy "Mike Hammer" Keach and Timothy Leary, too!)

Then, in an almost Kevin Bacon-like move through the internet, we find IMDB pimping this chick. Now that Kate Beckinsale is hitched, we might have a new frontrunner. She gets major points even if she is a pseudo-Frenchie.

...return to "normalcy"?

After two-plus years of the World Trade Center being a seemingly taboo subject in TV and movies (it has made some appearances, sure, but especially right after the attacks the big thing was everyone scrambling to edit it from their TV shows if at all possible), we have returned!

Last night, the local FOX station ran the Simpsons episode where they went to NYC to get Homer's car back from its illegal parking space beneath the Twin Towers. I could understand if they didn't run it ever again out of respect, but damn is that one good episode!

I think there was more in my head, but it turned to mush during my latest bout with technology. (Geek Speak turned on, others can return to whatever it was you weren't doing to get here in the first place.)

I'm trying my best to catch up to the blogging world and giving this site an Atom or RSS feed. I found out how to do that, unfortunately, the setup I had for this site involves a whole bunch of .ssi files, rather than .html, so it publishes funny. If a site feed tries to request an individual day, it comes up as an .ssi file, and it isn't pretty. So what I need to do is make my blog template publish as an HTML file each day, but I can't figure out how to work that with my current setup. Maybe next week when I have some time I'll just break it down to a basic Blogger template and rebuild my CSS and links around that, or maybe this is what it will take to make me take a more serious look at TextPattern, which has intrigued me since Pete started using it, or another blogging platform. I'd hate to, because Blogger really gives me what I need for free, but it would be nice to have a bit more functionality with what I'm trying to do.

Any ideas, please share.

...remedial math

Friends, Romans, "anonymous" commenters (don't think I don't know who you are!), concerned family members, and others, lend me your calculators. How hard is it to do a little math and get it right? As of today, May 21, 2004, I am EXACTLY 30 1/4 years old. Follow me? 30.25 x 12 (months in a year, you learned that in first grade) is 363 months. Thus, 363 straight months without an appearance in the police blotter, AND that means that nothing happened when I was 15. That was the other kid.

Speaking of, I had one of those WAY out there dreams last night. I don't normally care about my dreams (even if I remember them), or retell them later. But this was out there. I mean big time. Like one of those where people throw ducks at balloons, and nothing is as it seems. (Okay, so I stole that line, but it fits.) Most of the details are pretty vivid, some are still kind of sketchy.

For some reason I was at my brother's wedding reception (which was actually a year and a half or so ago, and was nothing like the dream I had), but when they were announcing the wedding party, I sprinted into the room, finishing my beer as I did so, and the room was empty. It was almost like it was a rehearsal, but there was almost too many people for that. And someone, I don't remember who, if it was a friend or relative, or some famous person, was playing "Ay Ziggy Zoomba" (Bowling Green's fight song, the absolute best college fight song on the planet) on an accordian (or is it "accordion", with an "o"??). Anyway, the festivities were short-lived, and we made our way out of the hall. On the way out, I passed my cousin Jeff, (actually I have two cousins named Jeff, this was the one on my mom's side). He almost looked like he was in the witness protection program, with hair well past his shoulders and a leather Baltimore Ravens hat on. A RAVENS HAT. As a Browns fan, that's pretty much sacrilege. The dream kind of faded after that, though there were ALOT of other friends and family members in it, and while I remember having some conversations, I can't remember what they were.

But it doesn't stop there. On Sunday, my brother and I are playing in our dad's golf league. So I had a dream that my brother and I were golfing, but it was in a different league, playing against two girls from my softball team. Nervous to get off the first tee without embarrassing myself, I hit my tee shot about 15 feet...and it turned into a tin can lid. Now, if you've ever tried to hit a can lid from deep rough, it isnt easy. I think I missed about 5 or 6 times, and finally started hitting it about 15 feet at a time... before it turned into a small nail. How I found this in the grass was amazing, much less FINALLY hitting it into the green. Most of the rest of the dream was spent convincing the others in the group that they should let me take an 8 on the hole. I don't remember, but I don't think it worked. I really hope I play better than that on Sunday.

With no tin cans.

Two other observations yesterday:
-A caller on a local radio show was talking about his college graduation, and, like a typical OSU grad, he had to announce that he graduated from THE Ohio State University. Beaming with pride for his alma mater, he reminisced on his "most proudest moment in college". What that moment was isn't all that important, I'm just assuming it wasn't an English class.

-The strip club across the street from our softball fields had a sign out with this line:

"COSTUME PARTY FRIDAY NIGHT!"

Now seriously, doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose?

...i fought the law and...

First off, my thanks to the Dublin(OH) Police Department, for realizing that after difficult losses on the softball field, guys need to discuss the game over beers. And after *really* difficult losses, they have to discuss them late into the night, possibly after everyone else in the park has gone home and turned the lights off. So, thanks to some reasonable thinking, I've extended my streak of nearly 363 consecutive months without the phrase "fines and court costs" following my name in any sentence. There really is something to be said for being a little responsible and not making that next trip to the cooler. Looks like I picked the right day to start being responsible, eh?

Well before that part of the festivities, I had a revelation. Instead of all the talk about banning cell phones in cars, why not make it a part of your drivers test? If you can chat and not slow down 15 MPH on the expressway, stay in your own lane, and still use proper signals, you should be cool. If not, you either give up the phone or the car, you pick. Oh, and if you're one of those chicks (or Italians) that has to talk with your hands, you automatically lose. Sorry.

And from today's "I Hope I Never Make A Political Post" post, why are we still wasting our time with these prisoner abuse hearings? Slap everyone on the wrist, toss them in the brig, or wherever the hell they go and lets go. We've now got Iraqis saying these people should be executed. EXECUTED? I think this is why we're the leaders of the free world and Iraq is still starting their cars by running really fast to get down to the restaurant for a nice brontosaurus burger.

...you don't cut the sausage open, you just eat it.

The first time I've watched "That 70's Show" in a long time, and it delivers a line like that. Awesome. The Simpsons was even all right tonight, actually fairly decent in comparison to the quality of episode in recent seasons. Of course the highlight was Neil Diamond belting out "America" over the closing credits. A little Diamond took me back not only to my family's years of attending the Fourth of July fireworks show at old Cleveland Stadium, where before Lee Greenwood resurrected that God awful song of his, Neil Diamond boomed across the loud speakers as the grand finale was just firing up. Which also reminded me of this little piece of work from just about three years ago. I still make me laugh.

Back to the tube, how can FOX shove "American Idol", "The Swan" and now "Method Man & Redman" (or whatever similar title they gave it) down our throats, but ignore the genius that is "Family Guy"? Man I can't wait for that rumored movie to come out. And hopefully another season or 6 feeding off of that. That show is WAY WAY WAY too funny to not have a home on network TV.

Oh, and I'd like to personally thank everyone that has spent the past month bitching about how people are getting screwed by unfair voting practices on "American Idol" for making my life seem just THAT much better.

...this isn't good

Its probably not the best sign for your near blogging future when you're not only minimally inspired to post anything, but you can't even think of a title to go with it. Though there are a couple things I realize now. Either I'm not doing another "interview" for a while, or I'm going to give them their own page, that first post is a doozy! That and when I went to randomly find another new interview to "fill-in" for, I came up with something about David Alan Grier and auto racing. (Did you know he went to Yale? Makes hooking up with the Wayans brothers down the road seem so much more unimpressive.)

I'd like to publicly remind my brother that Tapit didn't win the Preakness Stakes, either. Not that he had the chance to bet, and in turn, *change* his bet this time (and Tapit didn't even run yesterday), but I felt it was worth mentioning.

So while the Rangers have come back to playing closer to .500 baseball the past week or so (while maintaining the second best record in baseball, or thereabouts), the Angels just won't lose! Its getting to be disgusting. I think they've lost once in a month it seems. They were even handing the freaking Yankees their lunch IN New York. That's a series I wouldn't have minded seeing fall into the ocean. Unfortunately it didn't happen, and the season continues.

...weekend interview

Not that it was a major part of my blogging experience, but the Friday Five has died. Its probably a good thing, though, since I was always looking for ways out of answering the given questions, and it turns everyone's blog into the same sort of deal one day a week. I've even noticed some takeoffs on the idea, but its all the same effect.

So, after searching through my archives, and seeing the Maurice Clarett "interview" I did in August, I thought to myself, "Self, wouldn't it be fun to do that more often?" And while I don't often talk to myself, and agree much less than that, even, I decided to fake more interviews. You creative types out there, feel free to play along. This will be like my "Friday Five", just not quite 5, and more random than on a Friday.

First up: 10 Questions for John Ashcroft. (From Salon.com, sometime last month, its not a REAL interview, just what they think the 9/11 commission should have asked John Ashcroft. Of course, I'm providing how he SHOULD have answered what they SHOULD have asked him. Follow?)

1) If counterterrorism was a top priority for the Justice Department prior to 9/11, why did Ashcroft ignore the FBI's specific request in August 2001 for additional counterterrorism resources?

If I recall correctly, Mr. Chairman, the FBI submitted their request on plain white paper. It is clearly listed in both the "Super Secret Government Handbook on Procedure and How to do Things", that FBI requests must be submitted on YELLOW paper, and preferably not signed in crayon by the 5 year old daughter of the FBI Director.

2) Why wasn't counterterrorism one of the seven strategic goals Ashcroft outlined in a May 2001 memo to his division heads?

I have division heads? Whoa.

I guess if I had known that back then, I probably would have included something about counterterrorism, though I distinctly remember burning my left index finger that morning trying to get a Pop-Tart unstuck in the toaster. Typing at all was difficult, but do you realize how many "t's" and "r's" there are in "counterterrorism"? Alot of them. There's no way I was going to put my poor finger through that.

Besides, if you would have read the seven goals I *did* include in the memo, where would counterterrorism fit in? I probably could have made it into an eight goal memo, but do you realize the paper that would be wasted by the extra copies of an EIGHTH goal? It could cost the company hundreds!

3) Between Jan. 20 and Sept. 11, 2001, were the FBI field offices instructed to increase surveillance of known suspected terrorists? If so, why hasn't Ashcroft been able to provide any evidence to the commission proving it?

Yes, in fact, they were. And I have evidence, though most of the surveillance tapes have been taped over with late night Cinemax movies. But some of them are still there, um, I think.

4) After 9/11, why did Ashcroft slash almost $1 billion from an emergency FBI request to bolster counterterrorism efforts?

Oh, it was only about $850 million. Don't you people read? I mean jeez, you want me to have evidence of this, and answers for that, and send out a memo about blah, blah, blah. Don't you ever get tired of hearing yourselves talk? Besides, it was only a billion dollars. They spend at least half of that on donuts and pencils. Have you ever seen the donuts the FBI eats? So soft and sweet and warm. They have these ones with chocolate on the inside. You gotta get to them quick, though, because they go first. Sooooo full of chocolatey goodness. I saw that bastard Donovan take two of them last week! TWO! And you still think they deserve that extra billion dollars? For what, coffee creamer?

5) Beginning in the summer of 2001, Ashcroft stopped flying commercial airlines and traveled exclusively by private jet because of an FBI "threat assessment." What, exactly, did the threat assessment say? Why is the threat assessment still being withheld from the public?

It said, and I quote, "If you value your ass, find a private jet." Hey, I've got money. I've got connections. Why do I want to fly in some seedy 747 with that whiny, smelly, back of my seat-kicking brat that I ALWAYS sit in front of, when I can ride in style, visit the cockpit to do a few lines with the pilots, and land where ever we damn well please, because I'm John Ashcroft?

And nothing is being held from the public. If those poor bastards want to be safe, then make some money and buy a jet. Oooh, um, maybe you better strike that one from the record.

6) Does Ashcroft regret the treatment of the 762 innocent foreign men detained by the federal government in the US for months after 9/11? Does Ashcroft think those men -- many of whom were subject to verbal and physical abuse and had their due process rights violated -- deserve an apology?

Hey, at least they're not in an Iraqi prison. Whoa, did you see how Rumsfeld blew that one? I mean, our prisoners got beat around a little, and I'm sure there was more than their fair share of sodomy going on, but at least we didn't take pictures of it! You should see Rummy's desktop on his computer. Ha! If you thought that picture of the guy with drawers on his face was bad, you ain't seen nothing!

7) In Oct. 2001, Ashcroft appeared with President Bush at a press conference to unveil a list of 22 "most wanted terrorists." Thirty months later at least 20 of those individuals are still at large. Why is the war on terrorism lagging?

Let me draw you a map. *Pulling out a big piece of paper and some Crayola markers* This is the world. Somewhere on this map, there are 20 people. These 20 people like to live in holes. Do you know how many holes there are in the world? Alot. This isn't as easy as finding a coed in the bottom of a river, Senator Kennedy.

8) Why, in the days after 9/11, did Ashcroft, along with White House and State Department officials, allow two dozen members of the bin Laden and Saudi royal families to circumvent FAA restrictions forbidding flights and leave the country without full FBI questioning?

It took a good month for us to settle into a quality racial profiling plan. These folks knew it was time to go and ducked out before we as Americans learned that people of Arab descent aren't to be trusted. If they would have waited 3 or 4 more days to take that flight back to the Middle East, I guarantee you we would have showered them with harrassing stares and anti-Arab remarks.

9) Condoleezza Rice testified that, during the summer of 2001, "there were 70 full field investigations underway of [al-Qaida] cells." Why didn't Ashcroft demand that the National Security Adviser organize daily meetings at the White House of the highest officials with national security responsibility, including himself, to force information from the bureaucracy to the top and locate the terrorist threat? Why did Ashcroft not raise the subject of those field investigations at the one Principals Meeting of national security officials that discussed terrorism (specifically, the Predator drone aircraft) before 9/11?

Whoa, whoa. One question at a time here. Besides, isn't my hour almost up? I'm meeting Rumsfeld at the China Buffet at 12:15, and you know how traffic is these days. Oh, and if you think Condoleezza can *count* to 70 without breaking out a calculator, you've got some more fact finding to do.

10) If there were structural impediments to information sharing among federal agencies prior to 9/11, why did you testify under oath before the Congress in May 2001 that the National Security Council was a "highly effective instrument" in coordinating federal agencies dealing with counterterrorism?

"Highly effective instrument"... ah, THAT nickname brings back memories. But as far as anything with the NSC goes, just because something is "highly effective" doesn't mean it works. An ice cube is highly effective in a glass of water, but if you think its going to help keep me cool next to the pool at my South Beach condo, you're sadly mistaken.

Now, if you're all finished, I'd just like to say thank you for your time, and... I'm John Ashcroft, biatch!

...sponsored by ACME

Just had to share this quiz, via Mr. Poon's site.

8 out of 10. Bring it.

...guilt

I was all ready to post something about my day, which wasn't a great day, but wasn't by any means a bad day, or even close. It was a good solid day, but now I feel like I'm posting just to not have gone 4 days since my last entry. A pretty major window to be slipping. Slept until 11:15 or so, when my brother called to let me know our friend Rod had a daughter (since most of whoever's reading this probably doesn't know Rod, trust me when I tell you to fear for the future of the world, but that's a different story). Its also my dad's birthday today, though apparently he'd rather sit in a bar than answer my phone calls. (I guess they were out to dinner before a ball game, but technically he *was* in a bar. Hopefully he didn't max out with his one beer too early!) I caught 3 or so innings of the Clippers game today, which included a semi-pricey lunch, at least for hot dogs and a drink. Since when did such a minor league operation decide they could charge 3 bucks for an average sized Sprite? Oh well, the ticket was free and it was a great day for baseball! Since I'm already going to hell for my comments on the rows of handicapped spectators, I think I'll leave that out. Lets just say that the Clippers got their money's worth with the ramps this afternoon! Cleaned the apartment a little (very little!) after that, and hit the golf course, narrowly avoiding a steady rain shower and some storms before heading home. Now my weekend's over and I have nothing to show for it except this guilty little blog post. I'm working on something else, it might go off tomorrow, but we'll see how I feel about it then.
Crap, the girl upstairs is home, I won't be sleeping anytime soon.

...subcommittees for all!

Not that I ever wanted to turn my personal space here into a political forum, but I think I'm about to do just that. I believe that if there are answers to be had in Washington, subcommittees are the way to go, but haven't we gone a bit too far? Instead of three guys asking a list of questions in a room, we have this Romanesque forum with Senators and Congressmen and photographers and writers and protestors and peanut vendors and Haitian refugees and lawn jockeys and on and on. It turns our nice, neat little political circus into a big, not so neat or nice political circus. Its like if the Barnum and Bailey folks started handing out heroin needles. ("There's a junkie born every minute!")

Of course, the latest "victim" of the subcommittee way (two M's, two T's, two E's!!!) is Donald Rumsfeld. I'm not saying he's not responsible for a little bit of whats going on, but someone thinks its a fun idea to tell his/her soldiers to play "hide the salami" with a pile of Iraqi prisoners, take a few snapshots and a little video, and now "The Donald" has 3 hours of fine televised grilling in front of some of Washington's finest. And since when does Ted Kennedy get to be on all of these panels? Everytime you look up, Ol' Barley and Hops is coming down on someone. Isn't that cruel and unusual punishment to have a Kennedy (specifically this particular Kennedy) bust you on your ethics? At some point, one of these "grill-ees" is going to look down, mid question and, in true "Animal House" fashion, start coughing while repeating the name "Kopechne". Or better yet, break out a Matchbox car and start driving it around the desk, crashing into everything, then dousing it with a glass of water ("vroom, vroom" sound effects extra). That might shut the lush up for a bit.

As for the pictures from Iraq... sure they're probably wrong on some moral ground, but these guys are so much better off than they would have had it a year or two ago. Saddam was no angel to his prisoners. Hell, half the world treats its prisoners much worse than having them wear some panties on their head and a dog collar around their neck. As far as the reported videotapes of the soldiers forcing the prisoners to masturbate and perform other lewd acts for the camera, if you replace "prisoners" with "coeds", you could sell them after Conan for $19.95 (and its here where I have to STILL remind Snoop Dogg to check for ID's).

Though I have to admit, if I were one of the soldiers, I wouldn't settle for this behavior.

I'd make them wear party hats, too.

...hit the (golden) showers!

This has to be the most disturbing trend in sports history. I've heard of football players relieving themselves in their pants while games are going on, but that's more of a "when you gotta go, you gotta go" sort of deal, and football stadiums don't exactly lend themselves to easy access facilities. Next thing you know, hitters are going to head to the on-deck circle with pine tar, the weighted donut, and a sample cup. Seriously, won't steroids do the same thing for you? Or could you at least TRY them first?

In happier news, the power just flickered. Not that flickering power is a happy thing, necessarily, but it caused me to physically duck and wait for my computer screen to implode. Maybe I should cut this one short. That surge protector should still be good, right? Lets hope so.

Anyway, before I get fried, this could be the best news coming out of Hollywood in a long, long time. More Family Guy, in both TV *and* movie form. I might not come off my couch for a month!

...heads shall roll!

On screen program listings are a wonderful thing. I don't know what I'd do without them, in fact, when visiting homes without the on screen listings, I don't know how I *do* live without them.

But someone at either HBO or the cable company needs to be flogged. After realizing I didn't want to watch the NBA or a thrilling White Sox-Orioles game, I flipped to HBO to see what was on their smorgasboard of stations. After considering catching the last 40 or so minutes of Sunday's Sopranos, I see it. The Holy Grail of channel surfing, the alpha and the omega of film... "Caddyshack".

My thumb flicks automatically to the "Select" button, Mr. Miyagi NEVER had that kind of reflex. It was as if my hand-eye co-ordination bypassed anything that didn't have to do with my retina or my right thumb.

And then I see Jonathan Silverman. And Jackie Mason. And realize those bastards meant to put "Caddyshack II", and after a continuing moment of disappointment, I wondered, once again, how that film didn't get lost in a volcano before it was even released.

...soaked

This picture does no justice to just how wet I was when it was taken.



Also, I found out I was a "link o' the week" thanks to Law Dork. I don't know how it happened, but I'll take it as a badge of honor. Hell, being blogrolled at all is pretty cool, being in such an elite group is, um, something else. I still haven't figured out where my place is with all the law blogs I seem to be stumbling upon. Half the stuff makes absolutely no sense to me, but its still damn funny. Sugar, Mr. Poon? and Wings & Vodka lead the way, and will be remembered if my future plans for world domination wind up in litigation.

For those of you looking for a seat on the Rangers bandwagon, we've hit some turbulence (yes, wagons are affected by turbulence, its a little known fact), and are now merely SHARING first place in the AL West, but its still first place.

...if the season ended today

Not only is it May and the Texas Rangers are in first place in the AL West (see below), but they have the best record in all of Major League freaking Baseball! Though it seems like this stretch of home games might come back to bite them in the tail when they have to make them up, I'd rather see them get home games out of the way in April and May than have to play long stretches in Texas in July and August. We'll see how it works out, but for right now, I'm lovin' it!

...at least I'm not my brother

Looking back on the weekend, I don't know if I'd say the Kentucky Derby is something to make a point of doing EVERY year, but I would EASILY say it should be on everyone's list of something to do before they're say, 35. Even in the tame setting I took it in this year, I had a blast. Lost most of what cash I took, but you'll have that, its like Vegas. But with everything I lost, and all the rethinking I did, it could be worse. I could be my brother.

I think the timeline went something like this:

Last Sunday: "Hey, put $20 on the #6 horse, no matter who it is. Six is my number, and it worked last year. 20 bucks on 6."
Wednesday: He calls and wakes me up from a much needed nap to tell me he'll call me later or tomorrow, that the 6 horse is a no go and he wants to see actual post positions.
Friday 10am: "20 bucks on Smarty Jones for the win."
Friday 1:30pm, again waking me up from a much needed nap: "I'm changing my bet. $20 on Tapit to win, and if you can cover it, make it 40, my sales manager wants in on it, too."
Friday 3pm, I call back to make sure I wasn't dreaming that he was changing his horse. It was for real. 20 on the egg eating, Guinness drinking Tapit to win.
Saturday 6:30pm I notice I have two voicemails waiting, and no way to check them thanks to rain and a jammed network at the track.

Sunday 10am EST (while you folks in the east were enjoying daylight savings time, I'm in Indiana trying to figure out which clock is right.), I check my voicemails. First is from Pete, who lost a boxed trifecta with me of Smarty Jones-Tapit-Barrego, at 6:06PM, 2 minutes before post time. "Hey, its Pete, just getting ready to watch the Derby, called to check on our bet. It looks like a muddy track, hope you're staying dry!"

If modern technology would let me reach through a cellular network and slap someone like a Stooge, I would have done it. Sunny skies gave way to clouds, which gave way to darker clouds, then sprinkles, then big drops of rain sprinkling harder, then, just about as quickly as I could open the pouch to the emergency poncho to cover the beloved pimp hat and whatever else would fit (not to include betting tickets, race programs and a couple other items that were later seen floating down the infield), the rain came. Hard. REALLY hard. By the time I realized I could probably have used a poncho myself, I was drenched from head to toe. By the time I gave in and threw on a poncho to "stop the bleeding", the hail started. Nothing damaging, probably about the size of your average fingertip, but it was hail. After hail comes one of three things, normally. Either it stops altogether, the hail gets bigger, or the Wicked Witch of the East comes rolling by your window. Fortunately, the hail, then momentarily, the rain stopped. So no, Pete, we weren't dry. We weren't dry at all.

But on to the second voicemail. Little brother lets fly a string of expletives that would make Sam Kinison blush (if in fact, Sam Kinison was still alive, and had any skin, much less skin tone to have blush, of course). Not only is he out the $80 and change his Smarty Jones pick would have made him, but he still owes me 20 for making the bet. I'll take small, unmarked bills, please. Oh, and if your sales manager can chip in a little something for me not making his half of the bet and putting him through the same pain you did, that would be nice, too.

Stop 2 in the May Party Tour... an apparently pimp-tastic wedding in beautiful NW Ohio. Stay tuned.