...heh. he said "doody"

Or was that "duty"? In John Kerry's case, I'm beginning to be convinced that either one fits. I just happened upon his entrance to the DNC last night, stuck around for a few moments to see what he'd come up with, and after making two, maybe three passes through the hug line with his "former Vietnam mates" (I wonder what kind of sweet deal THOSE guys are getting out of all this parading), he breaks out the "reporting for duty" line, capped with a salute. I'll give the man credit, he's found another creative way to remind us that he was in Vietnam. Incidentally, according to Wizbang, he only alluded to 'Nam 14 times. I definitely had the over on that one.

After remembering that even Baseball Tonight would be more interesting than watching whatever could spew from JK's mouth next, I made it back about a half hour later, apparently missing the Olympic relay trials part of the convention. I think if Kerry is elected, his first executive order needs to be getting himself some new sweat glands. I wasn't around in 1960, but now I know how Nixon must have looked while debating Kennedy. Of course, Kennedy had Marilyn Monroe in his green room that night, John Kerry just has that man-wife of his waiting in the wings.

To cap the night off in pure Democratic symbolic style, the Kerrys and the Edwardseses met up with James Taylor and his wife/mistress/escort for a concert with fireworks. There was alot of wifey hand-holding, embracing, swaying, singing along with "Fire and Rain", and finally, the man-touching. I don't know what a new administration would bring, but if it involves this much guy-on-guy groping, I think I'll move to Canada. Or Mexico. Or the Sudan.

******

Though I can't imagine it holding a candle (or a disposable Bic, at least) to Half Baked, this new Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle deal seems to show alot more promise than I originally figured. And hell, even if the whole movie sucks Sliders (those would be the muffin-sized, onion-laced, hole-punched squares of grease extract that have made White Castle famous, for those of you outside the region), one line could be worth every penny of your $8.50 ticket.

Neil Patrick Harris (TV's "Doogie Howser, MD", of course) breaks out the line, "Forget White Castle, let's go get some strippers." Ah, how Vinnie (real life's "Max Casella", of course) would be proud of young Doog right about now. Though I'm really depressed that James B. Sikking and Lucy Boryer (sp?) are the only other cast members I remember right now. Oh yeah! Lisa Dean Ryan! Mmmm....Wanda Plenn....

Give Tom or my brother 15 minutes and they'll get it. No IMDB-ing, either! Bonus points if you reel off the names of the black guy that held Vinnie and Doogie hostage and ended up getting a gig as an orderly, or the fat white kid that worked as an orderly later on, and I believe also co-starred in "Parker Lewis Can't Lose".

Raise your hand if you need serious television-related help. I certainly do.

******

Texas no longer holds first place in the AL West. There is no reason to chase a starter in the 3rd inning, and not score again until the 9th.

I guess the Rangers just didn't "REPORT FOR DUTY!!!!" last night.

...more from the jackasses

I have no idea why I'm so attracted to the goings on at the Democratic National Convention, maybe its the repeated viewings of every clip, soundbite and painfully horrific Dennis Kucinich moment at work, but I've seen all I need to see in 30 second segments.

Sure, its their gig, and I know the Dems want to party like its 1992, but who in the hell's idea was it to troll out the Black Eyed Peas right after John Edwards' speech last night? Maybe "the Peas" were just chilling back stage, expecting to go on after Skynrd played the follow up act to Edwards, and after a long intermission, and a chance to get Al Sharpton up on stage to bust out part of the chorus, and after Edwards rolled into the painfully-reminiscent-of-a-4th-grade-assembly "hope is on the way" rant, someone backstage panicked and shoved the first band they could grab to get on the stage.

But no matter how they got up there, is it really right that they sang "Let's Get It Started", knowing that A) it was recently used as a promo for the NBA Playoffs on ESPN, and B) the actual title of the song is "Let's Get Retarded", including the lyric:

Lose control, of body and soul.
Don't move too fast, people, just take it slow.

As well as a take on epilepsy? Aren't these the "love everyone and give everyone a chance" Democrats? And now they're rolling out a thinly veiled take on mental retardation? I have nothing against the song, especially after what I've come across with doctored Outkast lyrics, but you would think that the national platform for your party's bid for the Presidency would avoid anything close to that controversial, but I guess not.

Speaking of the Kerry-Edwards ticket, I guess they have an appearance scheduled for Sunday in Bowling Green. Tarnishing the site of some of my finer debauchery with their rhetoric...I can't help but shudder at the thought. Tagging along, apparently, is Ben Affleck. Why do celebrities feel they need to have political agendas?

I can only imagine that Affleck's platform includes how his career has lost any hint of creativity and, well, "goodness" since 2001 when Bush took office, and while Sept. 11 was a horrible tragedy for all America, he was forced to sit through two months of filming Gigli. There, I've said it. The one millionth Gigli and the election joke on the internet. I never even saw the movie. I can only imagine.

Eventually, it will all boil down to how happy Ben was to hear that his home state of Massachusetts will finally recognize his lifelong man-union with Matt Damon, and how it now will take all of America to get Bush out of office, so more Americans can enjoy the sweet, sweet man-love they had to keep hidden for so long.

Oh yeah, and he'll remind us that John Kerry was in Vietnam, too.

******
After scoring a total of 5 runs in their last 5 games, its now time for Texas to pull their heads out of their proverbial first-place asses and get some work done this weekend. Four games with Oakland, who sits just a half game out of first, and has won 5 straight since Texas beat their ace Mark Mulder in Oakland a week or so ago. These four are in Arlington, so I like the odds of gaining at least a split, but taking at least 3 of four and opening the lead back to 2.5 games would definitely be a good thing. Besides, by doing that, it guarantees keeping third place Anaheim at least 2 games back as well.

Why should you care? You probably shouldn't. But if I don't write about this now, I run the risk of being thrown on the bandwagon when the World Series title rolls around. (Despite the 10+ year old Rangers hat in my room that I think just walked to the kitchen to make itself a snack.) I'm not a big fan of ESPN's Tim Kurkjian, in fact, I think I want to beat him up on the playground every time he opens his mouth, but take a look at this article and tell me you don't like this team.

And Rangers fans, never fear, if the boys are down in the 9th with two out and no one on against Oakland this weekend, you can look toward the on-deck circle, see a young Blalock, Teixeira or Soriano striding toward the plate and know that...

HOPE IS ON THE WAY!!!

...we don't need no stinking badgers!

Is it just me, or does the phrase "badgering the witness" provide one of the funniest visuals ever?
******
Back from leg one of the "Farewell Columbus Tour". Four days, three cities, and let me tell you, if you haven't experienced the nightlife of downtown Findlay, Ohio, you haven't lived. Especially on Hawaiian shirt night.

And the DJ? I haven't heard that fluid of a mix of Bon Jovi and Outkast since I had that dream a few weeks back about Bon Jovi and Outkast.

As far as the Indy leg went, pretty decent. I found an apartment to live in, I'm pretty familiar with the area, though its going to take some getting used to. If nothing else, I only have to live there for a year, and there *is* a Chipotle and a b-dubs down the street. Hell, I might never make it home!

So I'm down to 17 or so days left in Columbus, and have so much to do and so much I haven't even started yet. This move is going to be rough. Its the first time since I amassed all this crap over the past 7 years that I have had to move more than 20 minutes away. This is going to be one big "pack the U-Haul to the gills" trip across two states and a temporary time zone. And finding a way to get my car out there is going to be just as tricky. At this point it looks like its going to involve a trailer hookup or calling in a couple really big favors. Though in the end, there will be beer.

Which is nice.

******

My travels have kept me out of the loop as far as the Democratic Convention is concerned. Not that I would have watched anyway, but now I'm further out of the loop than I figured I'd be.

One thing I've wondered, though, while John Kerry goes on his "Look at me! I'm George Washington!" boat ride across Boston Harbor, is that if he's all about bringing back core American values, why can't we have some people dress up as Indians and toss his wife into the harbor as well? She is one mean dude.

The funny part is the co-worker who's wife apparently has come up with a drinking game for the DNC. One drink every time someone says "Purple Heart". You might not make it to the first commercial break.

In addition, I'd toss in the following: two drinks every time a Clinton is mentioned, three for Jesse Jackson or Al Gore, one for each time they call this Obama guy the next superstar Democrat, and everytime they show Ted Kennedy, do five shots of vodka. If he speaks, finish the bottle and drive the babysitter home.

But that would be too obvious, right?

...3 couples walk into a church

Before I begin day one of the "Farewell Columbus Tour", I just have to share that if he ever actually said it or not, the mere thought of CBS golf analyst David Feherty saying the phrase "it could really grab your hosel" makes me giggle.

Someday I'll transcribe one of the top 3 jokes I've ever heard. Or at least Google it.

Play nice while I'm away.

...steal links? NEVER!

I'm just borrowing them, honest!

From The Sports Guy's Intern's column, you tell me which is scarier:

Personally, this one scares me to the bejeezus belt.

(WARNING: This is pretty disturbing. I don't like to fly, and I found it disturbing. Fortunately, I don't fly all that much, otherwise, I'd find myself a closet to live in for the next 40 or so years.)

Everything I said yesterday about letting Arabs slide through security checkpoints goes out the window. Before, during or after 9/11. We know people of this nationality are out to cause trouble, and while its only maybe 0.001% of people from Arab/Muslim/Middle Eastern nations that are out to bring us down a few thousand at a time, didn't we learn with the first WTC go 'round in 1993 that they should be looked over a few times? Racial profiling is a shitty thing, but if I'm flying to Vegas, I don't want to land in Omaha, Nebraska, wing first.

Definitely not as scary, but just as sickening in its own way, the ESPY awards' version of the gaudy celebrity gift bag holds a reported 600-grand worth of junk. Free junk. Free junk for people that don't need free junk. If Kobe Bryant can drop what I'm sure he's dropping for a legal team to bail him out of a rape case, I would think he could cover his own Lasik surgery, teeth whitening stuff and 12 McDonald's salads. Hell, he can probably call Venus Williams and she'll send him a few dozen of her special hats, too. Meanwhile, I run around like a special ed kid at recess when my boss gives me a free hat.

And finally, to lighten the load a little bit, there's this one (from Wizbang.):

The ultimate reason why I, even if it means biting my lower lip until my teeth meet and sawing my fingertips off with a butter knife, try to hold back when writing about co-workers. We've all thought it, this guy/girl said it, and we all learn.

Okay, forget it. THIS is definitely the most sickening link of the day. Wizbang, you've got a new friend.

...two for $20

As much as I hate to use this space to talk about war or politics or war in this space, I'm going to make exemption #37.

I don't have the link to the story anymore, but the fact that it was "major news" that airport surveillance tapes showed four or five of the September 11th hijackers going through security is crap. Of course they made it through security, they beeped, the guard checked them again, decided they were clean, and sent them on. Unless the breakdown in security came in the fact that these guys had their faces plastered all over the airport security breakroom wall and they were let through, who cares?

Of course, in hindsight, we ALL care. Then again, in hindsight, G-Dub probably should have told a few more people they were nuts for convincing him Saddam was ready to push the button, we probably should have had better voting systems installed so the bleeding heart liberals could have spent the last 4 years in a more productive setting, like lighting each other on fire, and Bill should have told Monica, "Look, if its cool enough that I'm President for you to blow me, certainly it would be cool enough for me to incinerate that dress."

(Also, Dubya probably would have nixed the Sammy Sosa trade to the White Sox, Chris Webber wouldn't have called timeout, and Woody Hayes wouldn't have punched that kid from Clemson. Ahh, who am I kidding, that jackass would probably do it again 100 times over. Of course, he's not punching quite as hard anymore, 'cause he's dead.)

Anyway, I've said it before, I'm sure I'll say it again, I had nothing more to do with the terrorist attacks than being another ignorant American watching CNN over my Lucky Charms thinking, "Holy crap! What in the hell is going on?", but if you think that yanking four guys off a plane because they were foreign and had too much change in their pockets to make it through security would have flown before all that happened, you're silly. Hell, they could have pulled ONE guy off if he was whistling the Saudi national anthem and had a briefcase with stickers from all over the world, including Hiroshima, Nagasaki, I believe San Francisco, and had made the horrible mistake of marrying Cher for a time in the 60's, and the ACLU would be all over someone's ass until Jesse Jackson came in to finish them off.

And now that the 9/11 Report is official, how in the hell is it that its being published and sold at bookstores? Sure the hearings were all public, and access to the public record is an important thing, but if 15 or so guys were smart enough to blend into the national population for a few years, learn to fly, but not land, planes, and take out 3,500 or so Americans, don't you think they're going to take just a wee bit of interest in a thousand page book on how and why we f---ed up?

******

In more interesting war-related news, you know how sometimes you'll catch a foreign language flick and it will be all gibberish until they break out a proper name? Like a Spanish film that has an exchange like this (at 1,000 words per minute, of course):

"Que?"
"El diablo grande con queso."
"Si. Mucho grande diablo de blanco frijoles."
"Voy a comer con Homer Simpson?"

The "Homer Simpson" sticks out like a sore thumb, right? (And for the record, I know I wrote something about "alot of the big devil of white beans", but I have no idea what it means.)

Well, I learned today that the Filipino language apparently works in much the same way, except they have no non-English word for random common nouns. Watching video of that Filipino hostage coming home, I heard alot of what sounded Asian, then all of a sudden, plain as day, I hear "Gate 16" and "press conference". But it gets better. Right after I straighten out my awe and confusion from that, someone breaks out "VIP Lounge".

Tuesday is the 2 for 1 buffet, and coming to the main stage.... Diamond!

*******

Texas pitcher Ricardo Rodriguez.
Line drive.
Broken elbow.

I will not complain about the large bruise on my back from a misguided softball ever again.

(Though I'll be glad to point out that the Rangers are still in first place, and August is so close I can smell it. Smells like chicken.)

...follow the yellow brick road

Its official. I'm moving.
Sometime in the middle of August, my 7+ year stay in Columbus will be over. Part of the move is business related, part of it is socially related, but I think its a good one. If anyone is reading this that feels they should have gotten a more personal memo, I apologize, it happened pretty quickly and I was balancing a fine line between not getting my hopes up and telling people I'm moving when I'm not, and a drunken fit of "Hey, I'm moving to Indy!" So, now that I've gotten official word, here it is.

"Hey! I'm moving to Indy!"

Not that the fun-loving party guy image has to stop. I mean, Indy is a short 3 hour drive (tops!) away, so you Columbus readers can bring the festivities west, and I've already scoped out reasons to make it back to central Ohio on numerous occasions. And besides, I've got connections out there, including a one year old who's mastered the art of pulling on door handles, it can only be a matter of time before he learns how to work a tap.

Now, with the sappy crap behind me, let me tell you how much I hate moving. How is everything that's been scattered around this place in the past year going to fit back in its boxes and make the haul west? And more importantly, am I going to have a place to put it all when I get there? Apartment hunting sucks. Fortunately, I've got at least two sets of eyes and ears helping me find places, but when I key into a certain area and the response is, "Little Mexico", its not good. (No offense to any little Mexicans reading this, please. In fact, no little Mexicans were harmed in the writing of this post. A couple Irishmen and a Ch... ah, nevermind, its too early for a Blazing Saddles reference of that magnitude, isn't it?)

So I'm left to thumbing through listings, asking questions, sending people on hunts through somewhat Hispanic neighborhoods to see where I want to live, and its not fun. The roommate thing has been suggested, and I must say, there are some kick ass houses to share, with some great rent prices, but never having done anything like that, I don't know what to think. I like my stuff to be my stuff, not shared across a fivesome. (Through the vatican? Kinky!)

******

This space was going to be filled by a recap of the Rangers game I *finally* got to watch last night. But, they got hammered, so I don't feel much like rehashing.

One question I *do* have, however, is how does a 6-foot, 180 lb. white shortstop pick "Nuthin' But a G Thang" as his "intro music" as he comes to the plate?

Oh, Michael Young, you're such a paradox.

...so you've decided to steal cable

Okay, not exactly "steal" cable, but I remembered, once again a week late, that the week or so after the All-Star break is when Time Warner throws up their free preview of the MLB Extra Innings package. While my work (and drinking) schedule might not have allowed me to see any Rangers games anyway, I was a little less than happy to find out that even though they're the only team playing an 8pm game tonight, they're on neither ESPN or Extra Innings. Boo!

Why do I like shows like "Baseball Tonight"? Because in one 25 second highlight package, I had the following roller coaster of emotions:

"Ruben Sierra is still alive?"
"Ruben Sierra has 10 HR this year?"
"God I hate the Yankees."
"Swinging for the centerfield scoreboard and coming up horribly empty? Ruben Sierra IS still alive!"

******

As of 6:22 PM, I've managed to hold off on picking up a copy of NCAA College Football 2005 for PS2. But my immune system is weakening, and I'm thinking if I can get some work done tonight, and with a weekend ahead of me, I might not make it to Wednesday.
One saving grace is that the closest place to pick up a copy is Target (I think), and I am living proof of the "Target Expenditure Acceleration Tangent" (or T.E.A.T., for short). Basically, if you stop in Target to buy an 89 cent loaf of bread, you'll end up spending $15 after picking up Pop-Tarts, a 12 of Pepsi, and something else or five that you really don't need, but pick up anyway. (Thanks to the allure of the Target snack aisle. Don't believe me? Wander in and check out the deals!) If you want to stop in and pick up a DVD as a gift for a friend, that $15 DVD will wind up being close to $50 after you pick up a DVD for yourself, a trip to the snack aisle, and at least 3 things off of the shelves in between.
If you go in to buy a TV, you better get ready to sell a kidney.
So I look at it like this, I can somehow justify dropping in and picking up the college football game, afterall, I live alone, and the money spent on that game would have been spent in at least a week of golfing, eating and drinking. This way, I won't leave my couch, will probably lose a few pounds from skipping meals, and I'm set. That and I have a $20 return I have to take in, so it will be like getting the game for half price. I'm golden, right? Nope. I'd certainly hit the snack aisle. Then remember that my PS2 controller is a little worn out, and I should probably start a new game with a fresh memory card, a new pack of boxers, some socks, and a trucker's hat that says "I'm not fat, its just a shed for my tool". And heaven forbid I run into the anniversary DVD of "Blazing Saddles"!

Someone hold me, I need an intervention.

...rock on, Uncle Ben

Which part of this picture isn't good for an 8:22AM tee time?



Keep in mind that when I got out the door for work at 1am this morning, the puddles were already inching toward my ankles.

Which reminds me of one of my best lines EVER on a golf course. Back in the summer of '96, at Forrest Creason G.C. in Bowling Green, OH, after slopping my way through a pitch shot to the right of the green, with my feet sinking lower and lower into the beyond-soaked ground, I comment that "I could f--ing grow rice in this crap!"

Ah, the subtleties of the English language...

...you two look like a couple of boogies

The one thing I hate about the British Open is that words like "Royal Troon" make anyone sound like an arrogant jackass. I mean, how can Ernie Johnson, Jr. go from chucking and jiving with Barkley one minute, then referring to a sand trap as a "bunn-kah" while breathing exclusively through his nose a month later? It just isn't natural. At first I just thought it was Jim Nantz letting his snooty side out for awhile (if you're lost, go watch the last 20 minutes of "Tin Cup"), but then I realized its universal. Mike Tirico could be the worst at it, but they all do it. Hell, I think 18 holes at St. Andrews could even make Steven A. Smith sound like the Queen Mum.

*cue little brother here*
******
The second half of the MLB season starts tonight, and for the record, Texas is still in first place. I say that now, because by the end of the weekend, it might be a whole different ballgame (pun totally intended).
******
I kind of feel sorry for Martha Stewart.
Not for the going to prison thing, but she's going to be completely lost wondering on which side dish she should prepare with a "california hot plate". (Parents, don't ask. In fact, don't even Google that one. Or think about asking someone to Google that one.)

...the funny fairies visited in my sleep

so I take a good 4+ hour "pre-softball nap", and come back to some damn good comedy. But first, let me apologize to everyone for totally jacking up that "Airplane!" quote in the subject line of the previous post. Of course, the line REALLY goes: "What's his/her temperature?" "98.6" "Ah, sounds normal."

I have no clue where I got the "average" from, but I apologize. I was on such a roll with movie quotes since the "Abe Froman debacle" (not to be at all confused with "The Jimi Hendrix Experience"), and now I feel as if I have failed.

Any-hoo, Grant dropped this beauty on me while I slept. Make sure the volume is up, it really makes the clip. Even without the added animation, this thing works. Maybe its just the right-wing side of me speaking (you know, the side that stays crispy in milk), but I'm still giggling. I think its the Marvin Gaye.

Which reminds me, what was the last thing Marvin Gaye's brother said to him? "Marvin, this is the last 45 you'll ever hear." Ah, and oldie, but still VERY goodie.

Also on the comedy train was today's entry at Jim Norton's site. Sure, being the star of someone else's show on Comedy Central is a big bonus, but this guy is just damn funny in the "holy shit, I wish I had the sack to post like that" sort of way.

Oh, and even though its two sentences, and now a paragraph too late, parental-types probably don't want to click on that link.

But possibly the funniest thing to happen since 1PM EDT is this one. Cavs owner Gordon Gund lays out everything that went down with the Carlos Boozer deal.

Hey Dookie, you just got blasted by a blind man, see you in hell.

...sounds pretty average

I'm going to go on record right now and note that ESPN.com sucks. I was a solid 4 paragraphs into this post, but one of their full screen ads popped up and bit me in the proverbial ass. Something about a Dr. Watson log file. Its happened before, and I've avoided it. Not just Dr. Watson and his log, but the whole damn site. Giving the "worldwide leader" a second chance, I went back. I was actually cool with the information I needed, then when I went find out which "Former NHL official was accused with impropriety", and exactly what kind of impropriety was involved, it got me. If they didn't frown upon downloads at work, I'd have a pop-up blocker on here so fast, it would make their head spin. Of course, I'd also have a load of cool games and some good Asian porn, but they might frown upon that. So, I guess I'll have to learn to live my life at work without ESPN.com, until I can be convinced that the shenanigans they use to promote random acts of crap are gone. In the words of Alexander Graham Bell, "Watson, come here, I want you to kiss my ass!"

Now, on to what I came here with. According to Netscape, I'm going to live until 75. Of course, they haven't taken into consideration any wagers, benders or knife-fights with monkeys I might get into, and they've hardly thought about any cures for a hardened liver or "invincibility bubbles", but 75 sounds about right.

Of course, what it REALLY means is the Browns have 44 years, 1 month and 7 days to win a Super Bowl. Butch Davis, you're on the clock.
*******
So it looks like the glimmer of hope that the Cavs were going to pull off a deal to keep Carlos Boozer in town has pretty much faded. In a way, this is good, because I'd feel bad if I had to pull a 180 and cheer for a man(?) I've referred to as a "two-faced" little punk. And that's the PG version!

But now that he's on his way to the Great Salt Lake, I feel safe in reiterating my claim that he contracts syphilis. And soon.
******
This just in, apparently not only are the Democrats going to screw us if they get elected, they'd want us to pay for it, too!

*insert rimshot here*

But seriously, its good to see that Bobby Valentine is doing well for himself in the Witness Protection Program.

And I think I see the problem, its all in this quote:

"Charles Kushner is one of the most respected business leaders in the community and widely known as a very generous philanthropist," Brafman said in a statement.

I think the word he was looking for is philanderer. Never underestimate the power of a good vocabulary, kids.
*******
Congrats to Alfonso Soriano on taking the All-Star MVP award last night in Houston. Of course, he should have been the second straight Ranger to win the award, but apparently, game winning homers off of the surest thing coming out of a bullpen since Morganna (Hi-Yo!) isn't enough for that honor.

For the record, that is the second Julio Franco trivia question Soriano has taken away from me in a week. Not that I mind, though, as long as he keeps winning ball games. (Incidentally, the "most HR by a Rangers second baseman" record he set last week also likely broke the record for most HR in a season by a Ranger who's first and last name both ended in "o", but I'll have to look that up.

It's a good thing Soriano took home the MVP, it made up for Hank Blalock and Michael Young (despite an outstanding play at shortstop) hanging up an 0-for-4 collar, and Francisco Cordero and Kenny Rogers not making an appearance. I guess that's what happens when you give up 4 dozen runs in one-plus to the Red Sox, eh Kenny?
******
Not only have I not seen Anchorman yet, I'm not sure that I want to. Or at least not before its on an HBO "marathon". I think I'm the only person on the planet who, while thinking Will Ferrell is funny, he's not wet-yourself-at-his-every-breath funny. Maybe he's just got that played out SNL thing going on (I felt the same way about Chris Farley, Dana Carvey, and to an extent Adam Sandler and Mike Myers at one point. Oh, and David Spade has NEVER been funny, even before his whiny little bitch routine was shoved down our throats.), but I just don't see it some times. That and I've lived the TV newsroom life for 8+ years now, I don't need anyone to tell me how arrogant some talent can be. (Note, I said "some". Not all, SOME. That is to say, if you're reading this and know me and have/do/will work with me, I think you're great! If not, you're probably one of "them".)

Anyway, the biggest thing I'm taking from the previews of Anchorman is that I hope to God in the next four years the SAT doesn't have a question like "Vince Vaughn:Will Ferrell::Jeremy Piven:John Cusack". That would make me sad. Not only does Vaughn seem to be running off the same roles more and more frequently anyway, but to be cast in another's shadow would be a travesty.
*******
Finally (I think... it was a long weekend, I kept thinking of things, sorry!), I have to point out that in the comments to my previous post, my brother does a spot-on impression of ESPN's Steven A. Smith. He tries to pass it off as an impression of Scott Van Pelt doing an impression of Steven A. Smith, but why include the middle man? Its damn good.

...that Google search is terrible

I know it doesn't say much for my original content ability if I keep using other people's Googlings of my site to generate ideas, but this one was good. Milk-damn-near-out-the-nose good, in fact. Someone actually searched "what does ESPN's Steven A. Smith look like". No joke. I was *this* close to cleaning a thick snot and 2% mixture off of the keyboard. Sure, they probably just meant to find a picture of him, (which can be found just as easily, if not easily-er, thanks to Google Images...okay, maybe not. If you're really curious, the page full of white guys you come across look nothing like ESPN's version. But really, how many guys named "Steven A. Smith" can there be?) but what if they really wondered what other objects/people/things/animals/etc. Steven A. looked like? I can't think of any, though he really isn't a very attractive man at all.

I wonder what he thinks about greyhound insemination?

******
I don't know if there are underground dealings in the works, or what the hell happened, but for the time being, I hope Carlos Boozer finds himself trapped under the same flaming bus with Michael Moore, John Kerry's wife, Hitler's grandson (provided, of course, that my theory that Teresa Heinz Kerry isn't actually Hitler's grandson), and the entire living roster of the NY Yankees.

The Cliff's Notes on the Boozer deal are as such:
-Cavs take what is perceived to be a "risk" on drafting Boozer in 2002
-Boozer turns into the low threat the Cavs haven't seen since Brad Daugherty went soft
-Cavs have the option to sign Boozer for next year, at the bargain rate of $675,000
-Cavs and Boozer agree to waive the option, in order to sign Boozer for ALOT more jack
-Utah offers even more cash
-Boozer supposedly utters the line "Cleveland Who?" and takes the Utah deal
-Boozer eventually has 27 children by 5 different wives (its legal in Utah), and gets involved in some shady land deals with a man by the name of Jim Swarthout
-Cavs hope, pray, and hope and pray some more than "Ruben Boumtje Boumtje" is Swahili for "15 boards a game"

Okay, one of those most likely won't be true, but its still a shitty move, and proof that pro athletes are one of the lowest members of the food chain, and they'll probably be replaced by the rat.


Damn its hot here today.

...serenity now!

I'm not usually good about keeping promises to myself. Not that I'm horrible about it, but the little things like "I should get to bed early tonight" turns into turning out the lights at 10pm (hey, when you work at 2am, 10pm is NOT "early"!) Or in the past week, my promise each night that I wasn't going to stop and grab fast food, rather dig something out of the barren wasteland that is my fridge and make my own. A trip to Subway, Jimmy John's, Chipotle (mmmm...Chipotle) and Wendy's later, and its Thursday. It looks like I'll be free and clear of any fast food today, though a bite to eat at the bar after softball might be a foregone conclusion.

Anyway, back to the point at hand. I'm not good at keeping promises. That is, promises that don't involve this site. I promised mom I'd stop tossing F-bombs around like they were meatballs at an Italian picnic, and for the most part I have. And I promised myself I wouldn't talk about work too much. Or at least not enough that the handful of people from work that know about this site would jump me from behind as I walk into the building any given morning. But if you want to know why I'm grinding my teeth to the gums trying not to explode in a f-word-and-Chipotle-steak-taco-with-that-damn-good-corn-like-salsa-esque rant about my job, just ask. Contact information is to the right.

******
For the last couple months the search listings on my site statistics have included the name "John Katakasi" or variations thereof. Knowing that Abe Fromer was the Sausage King of Chicago, and knowing no other Polish-sounding names off the top of my head, I wondered when in the hell I could have mentioned "John Katakasi", much less wound up as the 7th link on page one of a "John Katakasi" Googling. Turns out, the answer is a little more disturbing than I had hoped.

First of all, why me? Second of all, who knows enough about greyhound insemination to be able to Google for a well known doctor in the field's name? Third of all, are the people concerned with Googling for information on greyhound insemination more or less disturbing than the ones that search for stuff like "olsen twins teen orgy"? (Now that the twins are legitimate 18-year old, anorexic, coke addicted contenders, the answer is much easier, of course.) And how many more hits am I going to have about Dr. John Katakasi and greyhound insemination for mentioning each 5 times in this post?

And what would you get if you got a beagle and a greyhound together?

(While researching this post, I learned that not only did actor Brian Keith commit suicide, but I was right in remembering that he was the old guy on "Hardcastle & McCormick". Someone take my Google away from me, quick!)

******
Since my last post, not only has Texas taken 2 out of 3 from the Indians, but they've also snuck back into first place in the AL West, put 5 players on the All-Star team, and are currently up 3-0 on Cleveland in the third. Too bad this one's not on TV.

If I could just figure out why Soriano and Michael Young haven't switched positions yet, since both came up playing the position occupied by the other on the Rangers lineup card. It might do something for the combined 30 or so errors between the two.

Oh yeah, and thanks to Soriano's solo shot last night, I've lost one Julio Franco trivia question from my arsenal.

*******
Not that I care about the NBA *or* Ohio State basketball, but they both picked up new coaches this week.

The Lakers got dissed by Coach K, but look to land Michigan man Rudy Tomjanovich. No word on if the Kings are in negotiations to add Kermit Washington to their bench.

As for Ohio State, they probably got the best man out there, though I thought Bobby Knight was a lock? *shrug* If Thad Matta's track record is any indication, he should be hitting the bricks for another job just about the time the Buckeyes come off probation. Fortunately for them, they now have a reason to sever ties with the brokers that illegally provided the program with Eastern European stiffs through the Jim O'Brien years.

*******
I could go on, but don't you think that fast food and greyound insemination is enough for one lunch period?

Besides, a little more blogging, a phone call and a visit from the guy who will apparently fix my ceiling eventually, and the Rangers are up 5-0 in the 6th. The downside is, Tribe reliever Kazuhito Tadano has brought them to their knees the last two innings, and they didn't even need the money.

...why are there so many songs about rainbows?

First, they win $290 million in the lottery, now this.

Lucky chowds.

Oh, and mega-props to the writer of the article for throwing the better judgement out the window and going with the "hopping mad" line. The only question is, who will end up making more money, the lotto winner, or toad woman, who's sure to sue for AT LEAST 290 mill?

...we're taking GOLDEN showers!

Before I get started, this post may not be parent-friendly, but its sooo much less fun if its censored. (That and it won't "flow" nearly as well... no pun intended.)

So, after back to back nights of handing the Astros ball games, Texas went out today and beat the piss out of them, 18-3. Two grand slams, six HR in all. And it figures, the Monday I actually work, the folks offer a trip to go see Texas play in Cleveland. It could be a very exciting, or very shitty, week leading into the All-Star break, depending on what happens. Four against Cleveland (the folks' favorite team), and three against Boston (brother's favorite team). Incidentally, and with much knocking on wood, Texas is 5-0 against those two teams this year. Continuing the sweeps would be great, but I'll be happy with a couple series wins, and a few Oakland losses for good measure. Speaking of the Red Sox, I know you're trying to teach Emma how to be a Red Sox fan, G, but would you please hold off on explaining why Johnny Damon likes his hair pulled when he's teabagging Nomar until she's a little older? Thanks.

And, speaking of piss (I had to go a long paragraph back for that, but its worth it), how funny is it that Gary Miller, the ESPN commentator who just a few short years ago got busted for whizzing off a building onto a couple of off-duty cops, is now doing play-by-play for the July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island? I guess he knows a thing or two about weiners. And maybe it was just the stuffing of sausage down her throat, but female competitor Sonya Thomas looked pretty good up there. Its hard to believe she's single, with a gullet like that. Anyway, for the 4th year in a row, I still can't figure out how Japanese guys can eat so freaking much.

I'm not a big follower of men's tennis, and even the she-males that dominate most of women's tennis are too much for me to handle, but how can anyone try to analyze what Andy Roddick needs to do to get over the hump? Doesn't he still get to go home and tag Mandy Moore? 'Nuff said.

Is it just me, or does the LPGA tour have a "major" every other weekend? And you wanna talk about she-males... whoa.

How cool is it that a tourney on the European PGA Tour is sponsored by a company called "Smurfit"?

I saw, about 8 times today, a commercial for Skippy peanut butter/granola bars featuring a group of reggae singing elephants. I'm packing for the apocalypse as soon as I post this.

However, the most disturbing ad of the day award EASILY goes to the spot for "beapilot.com". Seriously, for $49 and a coupon from their website, you get to take at least one flying lesson. When in post-September 11, 2001 America has this seemed like a good idea? You need 4 forms of ID to take a leak in an airport, yet anyone with a computer and $50 can learn to fly a plane? And still have enough left over for a Coke on the flight?

To hell with packing for the apocalypse, I'm gonna start digging my bunker.

AND, to not neglect the holiday we celebrate today (or was it with the fireworks on Friday? Or maybe the paid day of work tomorrow? Hell, I don't know.), here's a post from July 4, 2001, from my old website:

You know what they call the Fourth of July in Britain? Another good reason to drink. That's right. Nothing significant happened on any battlefield 225 years ago today, but instead, a bunch of stuffy rich guys gathered in a little room, powdered their wigs, posed for a painting or two (yes, TWO...Thomas Jefferson had the first painting destroyed after noticing Ben Franklin grabbing his crotch and extending the finger... serious! I saw it on Jeopardy... or was it in an alcohol-induced dream? Regardless, there was two paintings. I swear!). Then they signed a little piece of paper known as the Declaration of Independence (which Jefferson wrote stoned, and THAT is common knowledge. What isn't known is which of his slaves he was banging between paragraphs. But come on folks, we're talking history here, those details are insignificant.) So now we have an official document that says we kicked Britain's ass. Funny thing is, it took them another couple wars to realize they couldn't win, and by World War One (and subsequently WWII), they were looking to the Yanks for help. Now that I've given you your history lesson in a nutshell, here's your chance to form your own opinion. Read the original Declaration of Independence now, then tell me I'm not right. (I was more than a little dismayed to find out the last words of the Declaration really aren't "Play Ball!" OR "Screw Flanders", but I guess I'll survive.
So, that being said, we get to watch fireworks. On TV. Columbus had their big blowout downtown. They call it "Red, White and Boom!" (how cute is that?), and unless you have small children, call a pickup truck home, or have the balls to wade through 100,000 people, you watch it on TV. But after the sacrilege I witnessed tonight, I'll be hard pressed to even do that in the future. I understand that everything in this God-forsaken town has to be Ohio State this, and Buckeye that. But to play the crappy OSU fight song AFTER the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" in the musical accompaniment (and I have no clue how the hell to spell that word) is a joke. Hell, to have the bagpipes at all is a joke. The placement of these two songs is a farce. Someone that put this whole show together decided these songs belonged AFTER Neil Diamond. Sorry, but in all the years I've been watching fireworks, nothing, I repeat NOTHING comes after Neil Diamond. NOTHING. Unless it was at one point played on a fife and drum, nothing should follow Neil Diamond in a fireworks presentation. So way to go Columbus! You really disgraced a fine tradition this time!
On a more important note, I went to Kroger today, and saved over 20 bucks with my Kroger Plus card. How can anything free do so much good? I'm waiting for the contract to come in the mail that offers my first born son to make up for saving 17 cents on a box of mac 'n cheese. Little does that evil Kroger corporation know, I can't have kids. Okay, maybe I can, but God willing, its not happening any time soon.
Have a good night everyone (and anyone that's reading this)! And remember kids, bottle rockets fire best from your mouth, and well-placed sparklers make for impressive tattoos.

Happy 4th!!!

...um, Bueller?

Now we know why Principal Rooney was so dead set on getting Ferris in his office, thanks to The Smoking Gun.

The question now is, which is more disturbing, whatever it was he did that made him a sex offender in the first place, or the fact that at 57 years old he lives with mom?

...every time that flag's unfurled

Is it super patriotic or really, really sad if during a fireworks show last night, I picked up on Neil Diamond's "America" within about 3 seconds? I'm saying its patriotic, if only because "America" is the fireworks song. Lee Greenwood gets all the press, but fireworks aren't fireworks without Neil. Of course, according to the fine people who put on Columbus' firework show last night also believe that fireworks aren't fireworks without Outkast, Technotronic and John Cougar Mellencamp. And of course, what patriotic celebration would be complete without the Ohio State fight song. Seriously, as much as I love Columbus, watching a group of thousands of rednecks spell their state name with their hands is something I can leave behind. And even when they played good patriotic music, and the fireworks were booming overhead, I get some drunken hilljack behind me screaming "Lets go Buckeyes!" Go where? Its a fireworks show, shut your damn trap already.

Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough, we were treated to "God Bless America", as performed by true American patriot....Celine Dion. Its bad enough someone let you in from Canada to sing in Vegas, don't pretend you love our country, too. Now go eat something.